Fiancé Left Me; My Heart Feels Empty

24 February, 2017
Q As-Salamu `Alaykum. I have been dealing with a lot of problems in my life for the past five years. Four years ago, I was engaged to a man from the Middle-East, but he left me as soon as I brought him to the United States. Since we broke up, it seems like I cannot complete or succeed in anything in my life. Every time I try to be engaged again, something always happens.It is not just with marriage, but with everyday life. Every time I try to do something good or move on with my life, instead of going forward, I go 10 steps back. I get very depressed, not talking sometimes for two to three weeks. I pray and I pray and I feel like the more I pray, the harder things get. When I wish for something, something bad always happens to me. I have given up many times. I feel that nothing I do will change anything, so I might as well do whatever I want and stay quiet and maybe things will change.About seven months ago, I met a gentleman with whom I have been talking to on the phone without my family's knowledge. I have seen him and been alone with him more than once. He convinced me to do things although I have never done anything like this before in my life.I pray five times a day, I fast, and I am a very good girl. I have given up so much that sometimes I feel like saying, "who cares, I might as well do this because nothing goes right when I am good and I pray." I often think to myself, maybe if I do this, then things might change. Even though I have not been intimate with him, I feel horrible and guilty and sick because of myself. My family does not know about the guy. I just want him to leave me alone, but he will not.I am scared, confused, and depressed. My heart, from all the hurt I have been through, feels empty. I have nothing inside me anymore. I do not pray like I used to, and I am not a good Muslim. I am lying to my family. If there is anything I can do then please help me. I do not want to give up.



As-Salamu `Alaykum,

Thank you for reaching out to us for help. May Allah (swt) Most High grant you patience, comfort, and guidance as you attempt to resolve these serious issues in your life. We understand how hurt you feel because of the events that have taken place in your life. In sha’ Allah, we want to offer some suggestions on how you can pull your life back together again.

First, understand that Allah (swt) Most High is the Best of Planners. We cannot overemphasize this aspect of our belief in Allah (swt) enough. Everything Allah (swt) commands to be comes into being, and this includes births, marriages, deaths, and all aspects of human life. Many times, when some form of tragedy befalls us, we forget the outlook that we are supposed to have as Muslims.

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We think that it is a tragedy that your fiancé left you after arriving in the United States. We understand how hurt and violated you felt when he walked out of your life. However, as you look back in time, you should be thankful to Allah (swt) that such a man did not become your husband. If he was capable of leaving you after being engaged for four years, then imagine what kind of character he really had! Would you want that kind of person to be your husband, the father of your future children?

Second, Allah (swt) Most High knows well the pain you have experienced, and you must do everything possible to maintain a strong relationship with Him. Do not attempt to live another day of your life without restoring your relationship with Allah (swt). Establish regular prayers, keep voluntary fasts, read and reflect on the Qur’an, and give whatever you can in charity.

When you first learned that your fiancé had left you, it was normal to give up, to feel defeated, and to wonder how you should move on with your life. But the real challenge is not to allow those initial feelings, combined with Satan’s constant tempting, to drive you further away from Allah (swt). No, channel your energies into strengthening your relationship with Allah (swt). Speak to Allah (swt) through regular du`aa’ (supplication) and seek His guidance, His protection, and His mercy.

Third, it could well be a test from Allah (swt) that this new “gentleman” has entered your life. You need to pass this test, so the first action we ask you to take is to cut off all contact with this man. In your vulnerable state you felt, this clever man made you feel wanted. Reject this man. He is no good for you. There is no way he can reach you if you make an effort to avoid him. If you feel threatened by this man when you refuse his company, then we urge you not to take matters into your own hands. If you say no to him and he insists, then we recommend strongly that you tell him point blank that you will notify your parents and the police if he does not leave you alone.

Finally, talk to your parents and share your feelings about what you have been through. Tell them that you need their full attention in getting married. Having come so close to being married, you cannot continue to live life alone without Satan working overtime to tempt you into sin. We urge you to seek counseling so that you can process the feelings of frustration, anger, shame, and rejection.

You have been through a lot, but you are special because Allah Most High might be protecting you and keeping you from sin. Reject the company of this “gentleman” because if you do not cut off contact with him, he will eventually lead you into sin.

Repent for your recent and any past actions. Seek forgiveness from Allah (swt). When you are ready to consider another candidate, have faith and trust in Allah (swt). Make the Istikharah prayer (supplication for guidance) to seek Allah’s (swt) guidance. Ask Allah (swt) to grant you a husband who is a blessing for your faith, family, and future.

Allah (swt) knows best.


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About Dr. Abdullah Abdur Rahman
Dr. Abdullah Abdur Rahman had obtained his Masters and PhD in Social Work and has worked in the US as a licensed social worker since then. His focus is on counseling Muslims in non-Muslim countries, with special emphasis on life in North America, counseling adolescents, pre-marital counseling, online counseling for married couples and da`wah (inviting people to Islam).