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My Evil Uncle & Problems with a Revert’s Proposal

19 December, 2016
Q As-salamu `alaykum. I hope that you are doing well by Allah’s Grace. I am an unmarried girl studying for my Bachelor’s degree. My father’s brother (my uncle) constantly interferes in our family matters. He always creates troubles and problems in our daily life. He even tried to split-up my parents’ marriage by saying he saw somebody with my mother. But since my dad has full trust in my mom, their marriage hasn’t broken up. He always says bad things—things we never did—to people who are our friends and we are close to. Now, our family friends and relatives are distant from us. Everybody keeps saying that we are bad. Every day there is some news, and I feel that I am going mad. Now he keeps on bringing up ideas to destroy my dad’s business. My dad, due to his love for his brother, still does not realize that my uncle does such things in order to destroy him instead of helping him. I cannot sleep at night thinking about this. If my dad keeps believing him, what will happen in the future? I know Allah almighty will be there, but still I cannot stop thinking about this. I keep on thinking and thinking to the extent of sweating and my heart beating at high rates. What can I do to decrease my distance to Allah and what can I do to strengthen my confidence? He only comes to our home to get financial help from my dad. Unless he is talking to my father, my uncle always talks with thorns in his words—even to my mom. What reply can I give him face-to-face to stop this? Please, I really need an answer for this. Now that we girls are of the age to marry, he does not want to allow that. This stupid man says bad things about us to the potential groom’s family. If things go on this way, how will we girls ever get married? Nobody else is there to help us other than Allah. Tell me what to do? Another thing I would like to know is whether it is wrong to marry a person who has converted to Islam. I am Asian, and a European convert to Islam proposed to me, but my mother says that there is no need to marry someone who has converted. She says to just go for somebody who was born Muslim. I know Allah looks to our heart and not to our geographical location or what we were before becoming Muslim. So how can I convince my mother to accept this? Also, is it true that if I go for this proposal, without getting her approval, my married life with him will not succeed? Please give me a very clear assurance about getting married to this man. We both feel very compatible after our talks together within an Islamic setting. He is just waiting to get my parents’ approval. What can I do?

Answer

Abdul-Lateef Abdullah
19 December, 2016

Answer:

As-Salamu `Alaikum,

Thank you for writing to us. We appreciate the polite manner in which you have described the adverse impact your uncle is having on your family. In sha’ Allah, we make du`aa’(supplication) to Allah Most High to help your family resolve this situation in a manner that unites your family and does not divide it any further! Remember that Satan will do everything possible to tempt you to move towards a solution that harms family unity. Therefore, you should do everything in your power to fight Satan and, in sha’ Allah, aim to foster positive family relations.

You have also asked about marriage to a convert Muslim of European descent and we shall address this last. First, you have to have a talk with your own parents. Try to seek their advice in understanding your uncle. Do not make accusations and do not focus on the negative aspects of your uncle’s behavior. Instead, listen to your parents and ask questions that encourage them to try and explain his behavior to you. Ask them if they are at all worried since your uncle speaks badly about the family and that could affect your chances of getting married.

Of course, your parents will most likely try to defend your uncle and make excuses for him. Your goal is not to get them to speak harshly about your uncle. On the contrary, your goal is to help your parents realize that you are aware of your uncle’s behavior and are quite upset about it. There may not be an immediate resolution to your conversation with your parents, but at least you will have shared your feelings with them.

Second, you should do your best to be polite, but assertive, in dealing with your uncle every time you experience his odd behavior. Do not confront him or try to fight with him. Use the polite approach of asking him why he has said such and such or why he has done such and such a thing. You should not simply look away when you know he is saying or doing something wrong. Instead, you should instead try to get closer to him and seek to understand why he behaves the way he does. In due time, you will come to realize that perhaps it is much better to leave your uncle alone and have very little interaction with him.

Do nothing to break the ties with your uncle, just minimize your interaction with him so that he does not have such a direct impact on your feelings. Allah Most High knows well the truth and the falsehood in your uncle’s speech so do not worry about the false accusations your uncle makes about you and your family. Make lots of du`aa’ to Allah to give you patience as you deal with your uncle.

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Third, you should attempt to bring up the discussion about marriage with your parents. Remember that in Islamic teachings, a marriage occurs between a man and a woman, and in addition to that, a union takes place between their respective families. You cannot simply focus on what your needs are with regards to looking for a husband and not take into account your parents’ outlook on your future husband.

Your mother told you to just “go for somebody who was born Muslim.” However, there is clear evidence that you have not had a detailed conversation with your parents. Ask them what criteria they are using in order to determine who could be the best husband for you. Are they worried about race or ethnicity? Sometimes, parents do not spend time expressing their thoughts in a structured manner, so the conversations about marriage deteriorate simply to “just do what we tell you.” Your goal should be to get your parents to say outright what they want: is it that they will not accept a Muslim man who is not of your own ethnic or cultural background?

Fourth, as for the specific question of marrying a convert, we also encourage you to have some understanding of your parents’ concerns. Islam bestows upon a man certain obligations that are reserved for him in his role as husband and father. Some parents worry that a convert may not be prepared to fulfill those obligations and, therefore, they shy away from considering a convert as a potential candidate for marriage. Your argument can be that being born a Muslim does not by itself guarantee that a man will fulfill his obligations as a husband and father.

Other parents worry about a potential sinful life that a convert might have led before accepting Islam. One sure argument you can make is that Allah Most High, in His infinite wisdom, has granted forgiveness for the past sins of a man or a woman who accepts Islam. Even though a man may be of the same ethnic and cultural origin as your family and he may have been born a Muslim, if he has sinned and not repented, he is in many ways a less desirable candidate than a convert Muslim, no matter what his ethnic and cultural background.

Unfortunately, most families are driven by a concern for compatibility in terms of ethnic and cultural criteria and less driven by a concern for spiritual compatibility. Of course, the ideal situation is one in which the concerns of both the parents and the son or daughter are met and addressed.

Finally, you are dealing with several issues at the same time. We urge you to not let your uncle have such a negative impact on your life. Do everything possible to correct the situation by minimizing your interaction with him and move on with your life. Do not force the issue of marriage with your parents so that it gets to a point where you end up marrying this man without their approval.

Allah Most High knows if your marriage to any man will be successful, but one thing is sure: you will feel incomplete if you go ahead and marry without your parents’ blessing and approval. Be patient, struggle through the process, and in the end make the Istikharah Prayer (supplication for guidance) to seek guidance from Allah. Make du`aa’ to Allah to grant you a husband who is a blessing for your faith, family and future.

Salam,

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About Abdul-Lateef Abdullah
Abdul-Lateef Abdullah, an American convert to Islam, obtained his Bachelor’s degree in Political Science & Economics at the University of Delaware, his Master’s degree in Social Work from Columbia University, and recently completed his Ph.D. from the Institute for Community & Peace Studies, Universiti Putra Malaysia, in the field of Youth Studies. He has worked as a Program Assistant for the Academy for Educational Development (Washington, D.C.); a Social Worker at the Montefiore Medical Center (Bronx, New York); and the Director of Documentation and Evaluation at Community IMPACT! (Washington, D.C.). He has also worked with the the Taqwa Gayong Academy (New Jersey, U.S.A./Penang, Malaysia) for troubled youth, both Muslim and non-Muslim. As a recent (1999) convert to Islam, he spends much time writing about his experiences as a Muslim-American convert.