My marriage is going to be held in 3 months. I don’t know much about him. So out of curiosity, I searched for his name on Instagram. And I found his profile. There were no posts shared but in his following list, I have seen that there are many actresses he has been following. Ever since I got this disgusting feeling Why would a Muslim man follow actresses on social media platforms? I know that just looking at his following list does not make his character questionable, maybe he did it when he was young and now, he might be mature and emotionally intelligent. I feel very confused about whether he deserves me or not. Should I take this matter to my parents Or do I need to take a risk and get married to this guy? I feel like I would be able to respect him. What should I do?
Answer
In this counseling post:
- It’s good that you have sought excuses for him by exploring the possibility that perhaps this is an old account that he no longer uses.
- But it’s also good that you know these things before you get married though it leaves an air of mistrust from the very start.
- Take your time to consider the options and the possible outcomes. Which of these outcomes do you feel would be worse?
- Be mindful of the time and have a clear end date for when you have to have made the decision.
Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,
Alhamdulillah, you have gone about the process of getting married in the most appropriate way, and you have had the support of your parents along the way.
Although the marriage was arranged, your parents also respected your opinion before moving forward. You took the matter to Allah by making Istikhara, and the positive vibes associated with this encouraged you to accept the proposal and move forward with the engagement.
Unfortunately, even though you felt like he seemed like a good man, you recently discovered that he has an Instagram account and is inappropriately following female actresses. This has now left you questioning whether to go forward with the marriage before making the final commitment.
Possible Explanations
I admire the fact that you have sought excuses for him by exploring the possibility that perhaps this is an old account that he no longer uses.
Given that he hasn’t posted anything in recent times, this could be a plausible explanation. Your observations of his account activity suggest that he is not an active user of the platform.
However, that’s not to say that he is not someone who does use it but just doesn’t engage so much.
You cannot know which is the case without speaking to him directly about it.
Although this in itself might come across as less than favorable on your part, he would know that you have been spying on his social media.
An Air of Mistrust
Of course, it is best that you know these things before you get married, but at the same time, it leaves an air of mistrust from the very start that may be less appealing to him.
Essentially, this leaves you with the chance to either break through marriage on the assumption that he is indeed engaging in zina and looking at other women when perhaps he is actually not and it is, as you suggest, an old account that he has since abandoned and forgotten to delete or change.
In this case, you would have missed a beautiful opportunity.
On the other hand, it may be that you turn a blind eye to it on the assumption that it is an old account, marry him, and then find out that he is not the decent man you thought he was. Which of these outcomes do you feel would be worse?
However, of course, there is the other outcome that you do choose to marry him, and it really is an old account.
A Second Opinion
You have suggested the possibility of sharing this information with your parents, which could be another way to get a second opinion from those who care for the best outcome for you and will be able to provide ongoing support for whatever you choose to do.
They may even have an alternative suggestion to deal with it that you hadn’t considered.
Although they may not have experience with Instagram (or maybe they do?), they may be able to give advice based on their wisdom about other similar things that they are more familiar with.
You still have a short amount of time to consider these things before you make your final decision.
Whilst I can’t tell you what decision you should make; that’s your choice, I can offer you the above reflections and considerations that you may ponder over during this time in order to make the most appropriate course of action.
Use this time wisely, as it is such a huge decision that will impact the rest of your life, whatever choice you make.
You spent some time alone, giving all your focus to considering your options and possible outcomes. Continue to make Istikhara and have faith that if it’s meant to be, then Allah will make it happen, and if not, then you will be confronted with obstacles.
Make a Pros and Cons List
You might write all your options down and make a pros and cons list for each. You could then put it away, periodically consult it, and add to it as more comes to mind.
Before you do this, consider giving yourself an appropriate amount of time to ponder this information before you make the big decision.
Take your time to measure your options, but also be mindful of the time and have a clear end date for when you have to have made the decision so that you can let him and his family know.
May Allah guide you to what is best and most pleasing to Him and what will bring you the best in this life and the next.
May Allah grant you a pious and God-fearing husband who will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.
Read more:
- Divorced New Muslim: Feeling Lonely in a Non-Muslim Land
- Overweight Husband Doesn’t Care About His Health
- When to Declare Our Marriage to Parents?
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Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.