Since he is from different caste( considered as low caste) and I am from a different caste ( considered high in the society).
We have educational match, both are doctors and also understanding good, but after wedding I might have to go his place to live, in that situation I won’t be able to take proper care of my parents in their old age.
These are my major worries, first different castes ( will I be facing issues for it ?) And another for my parents.
Rest I found him a very gentle person who’s practicing Islam better than before, for us.
Should I marry him or not?
Answer
In this counseling post:
Religiosity and determination for the deen are what are most important when it comes to marriage, additionally, compatibility in terms of character, values, and goals in life.
Make sure that you have a mutual understanding and agreement in terms of expectations regarding finances.
Normally, after marriage, you will be able to spend less time at your parents house, it is a matter of realistic expectations. Discuss practicalities with him about your visits.
Salam alaikom dear sister,
Thank you for sharing your doubts regarding your future marriage.
Your main concerns are being from a different caste and taking proper care of your parents once you get married and move away from home.
Regarding the first point:
I understand that culturally, you come from a place where the caste system is present.
However, Islam does not have this categorization. You might know that the Prophet said in his last sermon that there is no difference between us, humans, except in terms of taqwa, God consciousness. Check this article out.
What Matters Is Taqwa
So what matters is the awareness of Allah in our lives and decisions, and to live according to the deen as much as possible, seeking Allah’s pleasure.
On the other hand, yes, status is something that is present in every society, and even the Prophet (pbuh) mentions it when he advises about marriage: “Choose the one for her religion, not primarly for status, beauty, or lineage.”
So, again, religiosity and determination for the deen are what are most important when it comes to marriage.
And, additionally, compatibility in terms of character, values, and goals in life.
So with this being said, I would focus on this and check whether he is the one for you.
On the other hand, if you mean “caste” as status, as having wealth or not, there are some things to consider.
Different Standards of Living
If you are from a wealthy family and you are used to a certain lifestyle, you can reflect on it and see what standard you would like to maintain after your marriage.
Considering this is actually not against Islamic teachings, especially if your priority remains religiosity.
Conflict might arise in the future if you are not satisfied in the long run with the standards of living your future husband can provide.
Money is one of the top factors contributing to marital problems and seeking divorce.
So please think about it, and most importantly, talk about it before marriage with your future husband.
Make sure that you have a mutual understanding and agreement in terms of expectations regarding.
Try to see the bigger picture: imagine your life in the long run and some scenarios regarding your lifestyle. What are your basic necessities—the ones you would like to keep in the future also?
Not only food and clothing but, for example, travels, social gatherings, etc.
Talk sincerely to him about this without pressure, and see how he sees your marital life and possibilities.
Your Parents
I would advise the same regarding your parents in the future. Talk to your future husband and discuss how you could maintain contact with your family after marriage.
What are his expectations? How could you practically manage to see your parents regularly?
At the same time, know that normally, after marriage, you will be able to spend less time at your parents house.
And while it is our duty and pleasure to take care of them, it is also part of life to start your own family and spend time with your husband and future children.
So, it is a matter of realistic expectations from each side: your parents, you, and your future husband.
Of course, if you live together or are close to each other, it will be easier, while it will be more difficult in other scenarios. But there are always alternatives and solutions for those who seek them.
The key is open, sincere, and kind communication about your needs and being willing to compromise.
So, my overall advice, dear sister, is to get a clear picture of your needs and talk about them with your future husband. Both regarding your status and your parents.
Do not be afraid to bring up these topics, as it is really better to speak about them in advance than after marriage in order to avoid conflicts.
May Allah make it easy for you.
More from Orsolya Ilham O.:
- I Love Him; How to Make Him Fall in Love with Islam?
- Marriage Proposal: Shall I Obey My Hindu Father?
- In-Laws Choking Our Marriage with Their Culture
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