Answer
Answer:
As-Salaamu ‘Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu,
It is always good to hear back from people, alhamdulillah.
One response from me will not suddenly remove all the emotions you have been facing.
It is more usual that a number of conversations over time will reduce the effect of this experience (again it’s time being the healer). So it is fine to write in again.
Actually from this second email, although there have been some events that have been painful, it should at one level make you clearly aware of the reality you face.
This should help you to start moving on because the last conversation you both had is a clear proof that the relationship is over and that what you hoped would change has not.
Now, sister, work with this reality and each time you think you can go back remind yourself of this conversation and the pain you felt when he rejected you.
Protect yourself by moving forward, not backward, in sha’ Allah.
I know when we feel someone has abused our trust, it is easy to feel no one can be trusted.
But you may need to ask yourself: did you worry about trust before but now? Before this young man ‘let you down?’ It may be that you have forgotten all the people whom you could trust and are focusing only on this experience as proof that no one can be trusted.
That is not a realistic or helpful way of looking at the world, especially since you need to have some level of trust for the next potential spouse!
But remember also that the break-up does not mean he was not sincere about what he felt; it sounds that he also is facing his own problems.
Sometimes people are forced to break off relationships out of pressure from others.
However, this is not to say that they lied. Lying and trust are two different things.
If I am being just to this brother, it does not seem he broke any trust.
Forgive me for being harsh, but he had the right to change his mind.
He simply ended the relationship knowing he would not be able to go through with it – earlier rather than later which, though it may not feel like it, was actually better for you.
So then this may leave you feeling that he should have been strong enough to stay in the relationship – but you know our destiny is written and if this was the best thing for you Allah (swt) would have not prevented it as He (swt) did.
In doing so, perhaps it is a test for you also and you will get something better.
The Sahaba (Prophet Mohammad’s Companions), as I have said before, even after losing or divorcing made du`aa’ for something better to replace what they had lost.
So, you are not alone and, of course, what they got was more than they expected.
You may perhaps have fantasized that this relationship would have been perfect, but the fact that the brother was not able to manage his family’s requirements suggests in the end you both would have faced a married life of opposition from them and so greater pain.
Perhaps, simply as a person, he would not have measured up to your expectations (given the fact you did not expect him to give you up for the family and this in turn would have caused problems).
There are a hundred possibilities and without speaking to him about this we would never know.
It is common in these situations that the ‘lost’ person only seems ideal because you pictured a life with them. So their loss also feels like you lost a whole life – as I said in the last email and all the dreams you had attached to it.
This is not to slight his character in any way and may Allah (swt) give him happiness and peace as is the need for all human beings! Somebody once said “Everybody wants the knight in shining armour, until you have to live with him!” Meaning that people are not ideal – only ideals are!
You say that you are getting used to living with the pain of life without him. That is usually what happens with loss so actually you are heading in the right direction.
This painful feeling can increase initially because you are coming to terms with and accepting the loss – which means the pain you hid from yourself in the hope you would get back together reminds you of the reality.
So, it is natural when you get in touch with these feelings that you will feel worse before you feel better.
You have to know what you are dealing with before you can work through it and that means facing the harsh reality as you are doing, ma sha’ Allah.
In sha’ Allah, over time, you will adjust and when you meet a new potential spouse, even this pain will be a distant memory, bidhnillah.
You also say that you did not feel very confident about yourself / your looks.
I am thinking that perhaps this is why the loss of this young man is so painful – because now you have to start again and experience possible risk and rejection.
He was ‘safe’ because he was there and accepted you. The right person for you will accept you, but you need to accept yourself first.
No matter how great your spouse, do not base your confidence around their view of you because that only puts them in a position of power over you and so makes you vulnerable.
This would also mean that you have no sense of self; you only have the sense of who they need you to be, and you may end up unhappy with the final result because it is not someone you chose to be.
My advice now is to stay strong and realize that the actions you take will only hurt you if you try and get re-involved in the relationship.
It is best in this case, sister, to let it go rather than (in this vulnerable state) do the wrong thing and regret it afterward and suffer the consequences.
Protect yourself, as we are told in Quran. The most just person is the one who is just to themselves.
Make du`aa,’ sister for Allah (swt) to keep you on the ‘straight path’ and protect you from your own vulnerability.
May He al Qahhar (The Subduer) remove from your heart all sadness and replace it with all your hearts desires in the person He (swt) chooses for you.
And what the Creator (swt) chooses will always be better than what we choose for ourselves.
Salam,
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