I would say I seek companionship, since I've never been in a relationship, and I guess my emotions play a part in this, which is seemingly normal. But I don't want to get married to someone who does not remember Allah, rather I want to marry someone who fears Allah as I do, and will not bring me down or keep me from improving in my deen.
It would also be nice to have a mahram other than my older brother who is only a few years older than me. My parents are separated, and my dad lives away from us. I think the last time I saw him was about 4 years ago or so, but recently I have been in contact with him by phone, and I plan to uphold ties as best as I can. There are no bad feelings on my side, and I think my father living away from us has mostly caused a lack of contact besides the separation. So anyway it would be nice to have a mahram if I do get married.
Another thing that would be nice is to be with someone who understands me fearing Allah. Living with my mom and siblings, they don't always understand me and this can be hard. I'm the only one out of my mom and sisters who wears hijab seriously, and I also only wear dresses to only allow my face and hands to show when outside. I keep away from the opposite gender. I'm kind of the only one in my home who eats strictly halal meat, rather than meat that just isn't pork (this can also be hard for me to make my own separate meals).
I'm in my second year of university and I am on the path to becoming an English teacher In sha Allah. I live in a non-Muslim country but I try to live as a Muslim who fears Allah. I try to spread the deen, or encourage, whether it's with my friends or on my online blog. I seek the Hereafter more than this world; honestly I'm one of those Muslims where this world feels like a prison.
So, now because this has been on my mind for the past year or two (the aspect of marriage), I'm wondering if I am ready to take such a step. If I only seek the Hereafter, and often don't like this world, then would I be able to enjoy a marriage? Also, I doubt myself a little. Just as I don't want to marry someone who will bring me down (in deen), I don't want to do that to another person either. I currently suffer from waswas (and In sha Allah it will go away), so I worry that I would be negatively affecting the person who I might marry. So would it be right for me to seek marriage in my case?
I hope you can tell me if I have the right intentions? Is it ok to want companionship, in addition to wanting someone who fears Allah and can help me in regards to my deen?
Lastly, I have someone in mind, but I'm really not sure of it. I haven't said anything to this person of course and I don't hang around them. This person actually lives in another country (my parent's home country). I was born in the US but on summer vacation to our homeland, I have come across this person.
His family lives right across the street from the house my grandma lives in, and since I last visited last summer, I have become good friends with the his sisters, because they showed interest, and because they are good people.
I have gotten to know the sisters, but not the brother (because that wouldn't be halal of course). I've only seen him in passing while there. The first time I really saw this person was about four years before my last trip, and I was interested at the time but it didn't seem realistic, so I tried to forget about that. But since I've been back last summer, I've found that I still have a bit of interest, even though I'm scared to get married of course, for all the reasons I mentioned.
This person and his family are Muslims of course, and from what I've seen they seem like a very good family, it's just, I don't know the brother that well as I've said. Though from what I know and saw, it seems like he goes to the mosque regularly, and though this aspect is not that important to me, he also studied in university abroad.
I am interested in marriage, and I guess in this person though I am unsure of the idea, but it's not like I've gotten a request for marriage, even though it felt like he and his family were interested in me for marriage last time I went (but this is just an assumption).
And to make matters more complicated, my mother suggested that MY older brother marry one of his sisters, even though I had once told my mom that I was interested in that person . And MY brother is not interested in the marriage.
I'm too scared to suggest myself for marriage, so now it feels like I'm awaiting something either with this person or someone else. What should I do with all of this?
Answer
In this counseling answer:
Thoughts of fear, uncertainty, and indecision are normal in most cases involving big decisions.
I kindly suggest that you do get your family involved in regards to getting to know the brother and his family better. This is permissible as long as it is done in a Halal way.
Please do seek out mental health counseling for what may be a possible anxiety disorder.
As salamu alaykum sister,
Thank you for writing to us with your concerns. Sister getting married is a wonderful and exciting thought. It is one of the most significant events in our lives.
Allah created marriage to be a comfort and mercy in our lives. It is one of the most sacred relationships between two people.
Fears and Hopes for Marriage
What you are feeling regarding to marriage is natural and illustrative of your readiness to get married. People often fear marriage due to not wanting to marry the wrong person, or for fear of marrying for the wrong reasons.
The reasons that you gave for wanting to get married, which is to have a life partner and to worship Allah together are some of the most important reasons we get married.
You seem to have your priorities straight in regards to what you are looking for in a future husband. You desire someone who is seeking Allah swt, one who loves as well as fears Allah.
It is very important to choose someone who is striving such as you are in Islam. It would not be recommended or beneficial for you to marry someone who is not.
As our marriages in Islam require an Islamic Foundation to be successful, your Insight and preferences are very admirable.
Waswas or Possible Anxiety
As you are contemplating marriage, you are also concerned with waswas. You also indicated that you do not like much of the outside world.
While as Muslims we do seek the hereafter, Allah created this world and it is permissible to enjoy the good and the beauty that is in it.
Sister, if you are experiencing these feelings intensely, you may want to consider whether or not you are suffering from anxiety. Anxiety can produce some of these feelings, you are going through and more.
Also, sometimes when there are intrusive thoughts, it could be due to obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). This is not to discount waswas, however we need to rule out other interferences such as mental health disorders.
Insha’Allah seek out a mental health counselor and discuss what you are feeling emotionally regarding the outside world and intrusive thoughts. It could be that you are experiencing a mild case of anxiety, panic disorder or OCD.
Intrusive thoughts often appear when people have a certain form of OCD which is a part of the anxiety spectrum. Many people experience these types of mental health issues thus it is not uncommon and it is treatable.
Check out this counseling video:
Mental Health Counseling
As you did not expand upon any other feelings you may be going through in terms of symptoms. Such as nervousness, thoughts of fear, isolation, worrying all the time, physical feelings, doing certain things over and over again.
Such as counting, or hand-washing for example, it cannot be determined whether or not it may possibly be mental health related or waswas.
Only a mental health counselor who assesses you can determine if you do indeed have some mental health issues going on.
Again, I do want to stress that millions of people have one form or another of an anxiety disorder at some point in life.
These mental health issues can arise for a variety of reasons. If the intrusive thoughts are relating to doubts regarding marriage, then it may be considered normal. As most have doubts and fears when making such an important decision!
Prior to Seeking Marriage
Insha’Allah, before you choose somebody for marriage please do consult a counselor regarding what you are going through.
If what you are experiencing is not due to anxiety or other mental health issue, is not due to normal thoughts of doubt and fear.
Address it as waswas by making duaa to Allah to remove it, as well as doing dhikr, reciting Qur’an, and praying when they do occur.
You didn’t indicate the content of the intrusive thoughts and this may be important in terms of any fear you may feel when it happens.
Again, please seek an evaluation by a mental health counselor to rule out any mental health issues as well as practice the tips for intervention when it does occur.
Getting to Know a Potential Spouse in a Halal Way
Alhamdulillah you have found someone you are interested in. This is wonderful as it can be difficult to find a correct lifelong partner for marriage.
I kindly suggest however that you do get to know him in a Halal way. It is extremely important to do so, so that you can ensure that the two of you have things in common and are compatible.
I know you stated that you have seen him from a distance and he appears to be a good Muslim, however there is so much more you need to know.
It is very hard to determine the character of anybody by just looking at them. Even if we hear a few positive things it is still hard.
I kindly suggest that you do get your family involved in regards to getting to know the brother and his family better. This is permissible as long as it is done in a Halal way.
I understand he lives in another country right now so it may be difficult. However you can video chat and talk on the phone as long as your mother, father, or another family member is present to oversee the conversations.
It will be important as well to get to know his family because if you do marry, they will be your family as well. You will want to ensure that they hold the same or similar values as you do so that you will feel comfortable in the marriage.
Approaching your Family for Marriage
Sister if you are feeling the desire for marriage and you have found one who you think you may be compatible with to marry, please do inform your family.
Mom, dad (even though he is not active in your life he may still be a help) or other family member should be able to help.
Approaching your family regarding this brother maybe a bit uncomfortable for you as you did mention your mom had wanted your brother to marry one of the sisters but he did not want to marry her.
While this may be a little awkward, it really should have nothing to do with you and your interest in the brother. It should be a separate event in conversation.
Insha’Allah your family will help you with moving forward in determining if you and the brother are compatible for marriage.
If they cannot or are unwilling, ask another family member (uncle, cousin, etc) or your imam to be wali.
Insha’Allah, it will be the case that both families will be gracious and accommodating in your request if he is interested as well.
Conclusion
Sister I understand you are scared and that is normal.
But the more you learn about him and get to know him in a Halal way the more you may feel comfortable in your decision, and choice in regards to compatibility especially with religion.
Thoughts of fear, uncertainty, and indecision are normal in most cases involving big decisions.
Insha’Allah prior to taking these steps towards marriage, please do seek out mental health counseling. Counseling for what may be a possible anxiety disorder if your symptoms of intrusive thoughts are indeed intense and bothersome.
By doing this you will be able to insha’Allah resolve this issue and not carry it into your life moving forward.
Please speak with your mom or other family member and request assistance with finding out if he is interested. And if he is- moving forward in getting to know him for compatibility for marriage.
Make istikharra to Allah regarding any marriage decision. We wish you the best.
salam,
***
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
Read more:
https://aboutislam.net/reading-islam/living-islam/know-youre-marrying-right-person-4-signs/
https://aboutislam.net/family-life/youth-4-the-future/should-we-marry-for-the-sake-of-allah/
https://aboutislam.net/live-session/live-fatwa-general-session-22/waswas-losing-iman/