I am in deep pain caused by a brother. I am revert Muslim practicing Islam. I met a Muslim brother online before I converted to Islam who helped me to learn about the religion.
Eventually, I reverted after Ramadan last year. We have been talking for 4 years, and before I became a Muslim he proposed me and asked if it was okay for me to be the second wife. I couldn't agree to it that time. He said it was better to work for two wives than one which I think it's quite funny, but I know that polygamy is accepted in Islam as long as the man can provide his wives.
When I became a Muslim the discussion about marriage stopped, and I thought that he just wanted to revert me to Islam. So, I asked him later this year if he was still interested in marring me.
He told me to be patient and that we would discuss things when he comes back from vacation from another country. I think the problem with me is that I trusted him so much. I prayed istikhara, because I wanted to get married with him. The sad thing is that he got engaged with another woman he met during his vacation.
My heart is full of pain now and I hate him so much. I cannot trust men anymore. I think he only treats me as a second choice. What should I do to ease this pain? It's too much that it makes me be an evil person. I really need your advice, please help me. Jazzak Allah Khair.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• Spend quality time with friends and family members that care about you and support you.
• Engage in activities you enjoy.
• Most importantly, spend time focusing on who you are and what you want to become.
As-Salamu Alaikum Sister,
Thank you for sending us your question. It seems this brother has caused you a lot of heartaches.
I am sorry to read about your ordeal, and I ask Allah (swt) to help you overcome the feelings of pain and help you to value, love, and forgive yourself.
It is certainly not easy to change one’s religion, but you have done it. I sincerely congratulate you on becoming a Muslim, and I ask Allah (swt) to help you and guide you throughout your journey of self-discovery and discovering your Creator (swt).
Adjusting to having a new religion, a new identity, and a new way of life takes a lot of time, energy, and patience on your part. I really hope that you spend your time taking care of yourself emotionally, physically, and mentally.
Do Things You Enjoy
Spend quality time with friends and family members that care about you and support you. Engage in activities you enjoy. Most importantly, spend time focusing on who you are and what you want to become. That is the most important thing you can do now as a new convert. Who are you and where do you want to be headed?
It appears that the man you have mentioned above helped you to learn about Islam, and you have been talking to him for four years.
You started to have feelings towards this man and wanted to marry him, but he told you that he wasn’t ready yet.
The issue we have here is that a lot of times when people spend so much time talking to the opposite gender, they eventually start to form a certain image of them in their minds and start to have feelings for them (that are NOT based on reality but based on their ideas of them).
Many people fall into this trap and then later realize that it was a disaster from the start and get their hopes and dreams crushed. It seems this is what happened to you as well.
Check out this counseling video
Focus on Yourself
The issue is now how you are going to carry on. What does being a Muslim mean to you now that you will not marry this man?
Did you become Muslim in the first place hoping that he will marry you? Please, do not misunderstand me, there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to get married.
However, there is something wrong with becoming Muslim to marry someone, to escape loneliness, or to fulfill a goal other than to reach God (swt).
That being said, I would like to suggest that you focus on yourself and only yourself at this point in time.
The more you know yourself, your strengths, and your weaknesses, the more you are able to attain wisdom and make the right choices for yourself in life. You made the right choice for not accepting this man’s proposal.
You noticed that he wasn’t treating you with full dignity and respect that you deserve. I commend you for making the right choice.
Now it’s time for you to review the other choices you made in your life and envision where you are headed and what kind of woman you want to become. Focus your attention on your personal goals.
With Difficulties Comes Ease
Certainly, it is easier said than done at this point. Now, you probably feel heartbroken and hurt due to the recent breakup you have endured.
Please, take comfort in knowing that these negative feelings will pass with time. It is absolutely normal to feel the way you do now.
Please take care of yourself and spend positive and quality time with friends, family, and doing pleasurable activities you enjoy.
Exercising is also a helpful way to deal with the stress you experience now. But time is the best of healers.
Please be patient with yourself and, in sha’ Allah, you will emerge stronger than before. I ask Allah (swt) to ease your pain and to grant you courage, wisdom, and understanding.
Salams,
***
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.