All these questions keep popping in my mind and I am somehow convinced that I won't be able to adjust to his family. Living separately is not an option. And I dread having kids. His mother is not in a good health, so they want him to get married quickly. But what if my parents don't want to marry me off this early? I am not mentally prepared to shift to another family and I see this coming soon. What shall I do?
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• Express your concerns to him—before marriage!
• Do not marry until you feel ready to have kids or until your suitor agrees to wait until you are ready.
• About childrearing, ask people who have happy, healthy children what they do.
As-Salaamu ‘Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu dear sister in Islam,
Thanks for asking.
You need to find out what he and his family believe about the roles of a Muslim wife. Is she a maid/ a nursemaid, or should she get a job? Or both? Because you do not feel ready to have kids, yet, you need your questions about that answered, too, —BEFORE marriage. I address the kid issue first.
Kids are a product of marriage, usually. So, do not marry until you feel ready to have kids or until your suitor agrees to wait until you are ready (but bear in mind that sometimes men “change their minds” after marriage).
A woman’s anatomy is a sex magnet to the opposite gender for one primary reason: procreation and continuation of the human race.
If you are not on board with that process, yet, do not do the act that produces it (marriage) until you are ready.
To get ready, learn about childbirth and parenting, study materials that approach the subject in different ways.
Our modern-day medical model of birth, simply because it is modern, is not the best and safest way to birth.
The medical model has been shown to not be the panacea of health that the medical and pharmaceutical industry would have us believe it is.
The business of being born is a great documentary about this subject.
It proves that a natural birth with a trained professional is much safer than a birth with lots of medical interventions, as is the convention in most hospitals.
Those medical interventions often cause more problems than they prevent! That said, the medical model of birth, and health, in general, is great for saving lives in an emergency.
Otherwise, it is a money-driven industry. As such, it is corrupt in terms of our human health needs.
About childrearing, ask people who have happy, healthy children what they do.
Many of our modern-day cultures have norms of raising children that are very different from the way our Prophet (saw) taught us.
To find out what his Sunnah is, read about it. From my limited knowledge, our Prophet (saw) never hit anyone, except in war! He respected everyone’s voice, even children’s.
Read about the positive model of childrearing, as compared to the punishment model. “Growth mindset” it is a great way to guide the education of a child.
Montessori is another. Find out about these and more, before having children. Also, access to good schools and Islamic education is also an important issue when having children.
Check out this counseling answer:
As regards your other issue: it is very good that you like the brother and that the issues causing you to pause are not his personality but are your lack of knowledge about what he and his family’s think a Muslim wife is.
Human beings value love so much so that they will go to great lengths to keep it in their lives—or pursue it for their lives.
This is good when it makes us hang onto a painful but good marriage.
However, when the marriage is not good, our need for love will make us hang in there when we shouldn’t. So, find out ahead of time if this marriage would be a good fit for you. In other words, don’t marry for love alone!
There will always be challenges in marriage. Because no two people are alike, problems will arise when people get together.
When our differences get in the way of us working together, that is the definition of a problem.
The definition of pain is a problem. To relieve pain, we solve problems by figuring out how to coordinate together.
But, for the coordination to actually relieve the pain, it has to be egalitarian; everyone’s rights and abilities need to be respected. Harmony is the beautiful union of difference!
This is the testing nature of life that Allah (swt) told us He (swt) created for us.
As such, perfection is not to be expected; processing the imperfections of life is.
The only thing we can ever hope to “perfect”, if anything, is how to process tests. To realize that, we have to be sincere and just.
However, that is a tall order. The Qur’an was revealed to help us understand those very things! Since you are probably not studying to be a Muslim scholar, at least do the first step: find out what you are dealing with.
That will give you the info you need to make an “informed decision” about if you want it for your life or not.
Express your concerns to him—before marriage! His response will tell you what his way of coordinating is.
That will either His solidify your love for him or the opposite.
If you are afraid of placing your issues before him because it may displease him, it is very important for you to know before you get yourself into a “relationship” with him.
Marriage is intimacy—both emotional and physical.
If your suitor cannot handle your real self, your true feelings/concerns about coordinating with him, you should think whether you want to put your life and body in his hands.
A woman’s sexual response is 90% emotional and 10% physical (not proven stats but just making a point that is obvious to most women).
If he can’t handle your emotions, you need to know that before marriage, not after!
If your suitor thinks a Muslim wife is a maid and nursemaid and you want to marry him anyway, for love, and believing that you can change him, think again.
You may find yourself battling not only him, but his family, a culture, and an entire continent.
The idea that a Muslim wife is a maid and nursemaid is an idea that reaches far beyond your personal struggle with it.
If you do not feel equal to the task of “changing the world”, find out ahead of time if that is what is going to be needed.
If you determine that your suitor believes that a good Muslim wife is a maid and nursemaid and you do not want that for your life, you have a duty to yourself and your suitor and his mother to address that issue BEFORE marriage.
May Allah (swt) guide you and make it easy for you.
Salam,
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