It was too shocking for me. I am not that kind of a girl. But after all those things, I asked him to marry me. He was so after me. He was not the good guy I would dream of.
Now I am engaged to someone else. He is a very nice person. He knows what is right and wrong.
But I feel I am not like him. I did mistakes. I repented and I have asked Allah for forgiveness a lot of times.
I feel like I should not marry him. I feel down and have low self-esteem because of this. Please tell me what should I do?
Answer
In this counseling answer:
My dear, you are not responsible for the crimes this man has committed against you.
His actions do not define your worth or your character in any way.
What matters is that the person you are engaged to right now is a man you feel proud of and that the woman you are today is a woman he feels proud of.
Move Forward with Trust in Allah (swt)
Salam ’Aleikom,
If you like this gentleman who you are engaged to and he is a good guy as you suggest then you should marry him. Alhamdulilah, Allah (swt) has brought to you a good man. This is a huge blessing for you!
Past sins
You are not defined by your past, but instead, by your recent present. Even if you made some poor choices willingly in the past, it no longer matters if you have repented to Allah (swt), turned your life into a new direction, and no longer identify with that girl from the past.
However, you have mentioned something really important here.
You said that you were physically harassed by a guy previously. As he didn’t stop bothering you, you asked him to marry you so that what he was doing to you, which was clearly a violation and haram, would stop.
My dear, you are not responsible for the crimes this man has committed against you. You are not responsible for attracting his constant attention which you did not want or ask for. He has committed a crime over and over again.
Don’t blame yourself
I may be wrong, but it sounds like what he did to you made you feel like you were no longer worthy of being seen as an upright woman. This isn’t true. His actions do not define your worth or your character in any way.
You went so far as to offer yourself to him for marriage in order to make that feeling go away. I feel incredibly sad to hear this. You should never ever have to put yourself in such a position.
If you didn’t tell anyone about what was happening or felt ashamed to do so or afraid, I want you to know that it’s not your fault.
You desperately tried to end his ugly behavior in the only way you perceived that you could at the time. Even if you believe you “let things happen” in order for him to be happy with you and then leave you alone, you are still a victim of his behavior.
I do not know the specifications of your situation; however, depending on what happened, you should also consider involving the authorities. Men who physically harass women usually repeat offenders.
They will do it to more than one woman and continue on for as long as they can. If you believe this would benefit you and allow you to hold him accountable for what happened, then please contact someone in your local area who is an expert in this field.
Check out this counseling video:
Find Private Support
If you find that your past still impacts you negatively as you have mentioned regarding your self-esteem. I would highly suggest that you speak to a counselor about what has happened so that you can find some support to heal. You deserve a safe person to speak to.
Move Forward with Trust in Allah (swt)
I want you to go into your marriage with happiness, chin up, knowing that Allah (swt) has sent you the man you wanted, in sha’ Allah.
Marriage
Remember, we all have sins. There is no one who will not commit sins. Your future husband-to-be as well. No one is perfect. What matters is that the person you are engaged to right now is a man you feel proud of and that the woman you are today is a woman he feels proud of.
Finally, here is a beautiful du’aa’ to use to strengthen your faith which also addresses the idea of standing against those who do wrong.
The Prophet (saw) said:
„O Allah, I have surrendered to you and I put my faith in you. I put my trust in you and I have turned to you. I have contested my opponents for your sake. O Allah, I seek refuge in your power from going astray, for there is no God but you. You are the Living who never dies while the jinn and humans die.” (Sahih Muslim)
I pray that Allah (swt) blesses you with healing, strength, and happiness and comfort in your marriage.
Salam,
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
