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I Have Feelings for Schoolmate, And That’s Affecting My Studies

08 February, 2024
Q I am a 16-year-old in high school. I just started taking my advanced placement exams and studying is getting really intense. About a month ago. I registered for a national competition as a member of the school team. When we started training, the school brought a female student my age to help us with the competition because of her past experience. this girl was an old classmate of mine from elementary school, but I hadn’t interacted with her since I was a 4th grader, since my school separated males and females at 5th grade.

As soon as she started helping us with practice, I started developing feelings for her. Despite this, I always lower my gaze around her and treat her with respect. Our relationship is purely professional, and all we talk about is the competition. The problem was that the longer the practice went on, the stronger my feelings got, and it’s getting to the point where it is distracting me from my studies. I sometimes even catch myself fantasizing about marrying her in the future when I’m older.

I know these thoughts are outlandish and fantasy, but part of me seems to believe they are real, and tells me to keep in contact till college and ask to marry her. I know I’m too young for any interests to be a viable option for marriage or anything but I still think about the whole situation a lot. I’m totally lost on what to do.


In this counseling post:

  • Keep turning to Allah to protect you from falling into sin: fast and low your gaze.
  • Look into alternative teams that you could join that do the same thing, or a team that does something entirely different but is coached by a male.
  • It is important to cover all options to be sure that you don’t look back with regrets.

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

What you are experiencing is quite normal for the situation that you are in.

Alhamdulilah, you are clearly aware of the necessity to lower your gaze and maintain modesty in this situation to avoid falling into haram.

However, it does also seem that some of the damage has already been done in that your thoughts are now interrupting your study and causing you to have thoughts that may, in time, lead to haram if you are not careful.

The important thing at this point is that you are clearly wise, have realized how this is affecting you, and have reached out for help. In sha Allah, this will work towards protecting you from harm and potential sin.

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Turn to Allah to Protect You

Firstly, and most importantly, keep turning to Allah to protect you from falling into sin as a result.

Continue to protect your gaze and do all you can to prevent yourself from falling into sin.

Fasting, for example, is something recommended to deal with such thoughts and feelings.

If you feel that you cannot overcome these thoughts and feelings even after taking such measures, for the sake of Allah and your own protection, you may even consider giving this up to avoid any sin.

Allah will replace it with something better for you, in sha Allah.

It may be very difficult, but if it is not essential for you, it may be more pleasing to Allah if you quit it.

It will also free you from such thoughts and feelings as well as steer you away from landing in situations that may induce similar feelings again.

It is a lesson that could be very beneficial for you, despite the difficulties you are facing managing the situation right now.

Check out the Alternatives

You might look into alternative teams that you could join that do the same thing, or a team that does something entirely different but is coached by a male.

You may even find that these alternatives may be something even more enjoyable for you that you hadn’t thought of before.

This situation can actually push you towards an alternative solution that is far better for you.

What About Marriage?

On the other extreme, although it may be far from an option right now given your age and educational status, it is actually still a possibility that you could marry, ideally with the support of loved ones, whether it is to her or someone else.

This may seem farfetched, but it is an option to consider, even if for a moment. While unlikely, it is still important to cover all options to be sure that you don’t look back with regrets.

May Allah reward you for seeking His pleasure and behaving in a way that is in line with Islamic values for His sake.

May He be pleased with you and keep you guided in the right direction.

May He grant you a righteous spouse when the time is right. May He protect you from falling into sin for the sake of pleasing Him.

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About Hannah Morris
Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (