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Love My Teacher; He Is Married and Doesn’t Like Me

24 January, 2023
Q I fell in love with my school teacher and then I had his contact so we communicated and I loved him more but he had someone he loved and they married their marriage will be 2 years now. So if I call him he usually says he is busy. I love him so much sometimes I have this feelings that he doesn't like me. Please help me am confused.

Answer

In this counseling answer:

  • It is better for you not to pursue a relationship that has a very low chance of ending in marriage.
  • Respect him and his marriage and try to distance yourself. Feeling love is not a sin, but acting on your feelings outside of marriage is.
  • Write down what characteristics you like in a future spouse, then write down what you need. Compare the two lists and see if your “likes” and “needs” are met.

Salam alaikom sister,

You say that you fell in love with your school teacher. You communicated sometimes. He is married, and he usually says that he is busy. But you love him, although you have the feeling that he does not like you.

Sister, I assume from your letter that you have not been involved in any form of romantic relationship with your school teacher, but you have very strong feelings of love for him.

He Is Already Married

If that is the case, I am sorry if it sounds harsh, but I have to remind you that your teacher is a husband and has a wife. So, I am not exactly sure what your goals and expectations are regarding this situation.

You know that, as a Muslim, to be in a romantic relationship with someone and act upon your feelings of love, you need to get married first.

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And if you fall in love with someone who is already married, it is a kind of “dead-end” situation, especially if this love is one-sided and not reciprocated by the other person.

I am not sure, but according to this letter, it seems that you have communicated sometimes, but usually he says that he is busy, and you sometimes feel that he does not like you.

Maintain Boundaries

Sister, it seems to me that he is trying to maintain some kind of boundary with you, and I think it is the right thing to do. So, I kindly advise you to respect him and his marriage and try to distance yourself.

He is your teacher, so you will undoubtedly have some contact with him.

But he is a married man, so I think you need to step back and realize that your love and expectations are kind of imaginary ones.

I am sorry to tell you that, and I know that you may feel hurt right now.

But it would be better for you not to pursue a relationship that has a very low chance of ending in marriage.

I kindly suggest that you orient yourself toward forming a halal relationship with someone in the future.

So what to do?

  • First, I advise you to stop contacting him and limit your interactions to the necessary ones in school. Do not approach him alone; rather, do so when you are with other schoolmates, and only when necessary.
  • It may take time until your feelings lessen, but you can help with it if you shift your focus and engage in other things with your friends, with studies, and of course with strengthening your imaan through extra worship and learning about the deen.
  • Try to understand your feelings. Having feelings of love is a blessing from Allah, and it is natural for both men and women. But as a Muslim, you need to keep these feelings within the boundaries of marriage. Feeling love is not a sin, but acting on your feelings outside of marriage is.
  • And if something cannot happen in a halal way, it is better to let it go, as you will not have the blessings of Allah in it anyway. Also, if this love is only felt by one and not reciprocated by the other, it is better to look for real alternatives.
  • Learn more about Islamic marriage and the relationships between a Muslim man and woman. You can take an online course on marriage preparations as well. About Islam also has a regular webinar on marriage preparation. Here are some good articles from our site: this, this, this and this, for example.
  • Write down what you are looking for in a future spouse. What are the characteristics you like? Then try to write down what you need in a relationship. Compare the two lists and see where your likes and needs are met and which areas you need to revise in order to match them.
  • Start new activities or focus on a hobby you like. Exercise and take care of your physical and mental health. 
  • Strengthen your imaan by holding on to your daily prayers. Incorporate some extra worship; for example, spend time in remembrance of Allah in the morning before you go to school. Try to increase your taqwa and be mindful of Allah during the day. 

I hope these tips help you. May Allah help you, sister, on the way.

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About Orsolya Ilham O.
Orsolya Ilhaam Oszter holds a BA degree in Communication and Manager in Public Relations, with a specialization in Andragogy. She completed her studies in the BSc Psychology department of International Open University, where she also studied Islamic sciences. She obtained certificates in Islamic Counseling and Islamic Marriage Counseling. Previously she worked in a client-centered atmosphere; currently, as a translator, counselor, and content creator related to Islam, counseling, and psychology. She is a mother of 2 and lives in Spain.