Letting Go of This Love or Just Wait?

02 September, 2020
Q As-salamu aalikum,

my friend loves a guy. They used to text every day until they realized that its haram. He promised her to talk to her parents next year.

But now she is confused about him. If he is the right guy or not. He likes random girls' photos on Instagram. It bothers her so much.

She even asked him not to like their pics. He ignored. He still likes their pics. She's confused if she should get married to him or get married to the guy her parents choose?

Answer

In this counseling answer:

I would kindly suggest dear sister that you encourage your friend to let go of this guy as he appears to be a player, not serious, and not ready for marriage. 

Besides, if he is acting this way now, what makes her think he will change once they are married? 

In most cases how one acts during courtship usually transfers into the marriage as it is a part of the character.

I seriously doubt he would suddenly change but Allah knows best.

I would kindly suggest she leave him alone to avoid future hurt and focus on her future with a potential spouse elsewhere.


As salamu alaykum sister,

Thank you for writing to us. As I understand it, your friend is in love with a guy that she has been texting. As you did not say how they met, where he lives or if they have even met in person, I am wondering if they met online?  If so the situation may be more complicated from her viewpoint as nothing has been secured in person.

This is to mean that they have basically a virtual relationship until they are able to meet in a halal way in person. As you know, many ‘relationships’ online can be an illusion wherein two people meet and expect one thing and it turns out to be another.

Virtual relationship

Often times online people will get friendly with each other and plan for marriage when in fact they know deep down inside that it will never happen, yet they enjoy the attention and ‘feelings’ it produces. This is why your friend’s “friend” is liking other girls Instagram pictures and doing whatever else online as it feels good to him and he probably enjoys the attention he gets despite it hurting your friend’s feelings.

Letting Go of This Love or Just Wait? - About Islam

This is not a real relationship sister, and this can be dangerous as it can lead to haram acts,  false expectations and hurt feelings as you see now with your friend. Any relationship that is being contemplated should be pursued in the context of Islamic rulings and guidelines.

His character

If this person was serious about your friend, he would have requested her parent’s contact as soon as possible to express his interest in her. Also, his liking other girls photo’s even when it hurts her is an indication of his not really caring about her feelings which is a sign that he is really not serious about her.

When a man is serious about a woman, about marriage, he does things that are first and most importantly pleasing to Allah swt and also please to his intended future wife. These actions are not pleasing at all.  His behavior also is an indication that he is not ready to get married.


Check out this counseling video:


Let go

I would kindly suggest dear sister that you encourage your friend to let go of this guy as he appears to be a player, not serious, and not ready for marriage.  Besides, if he is acting this way now, what makes her think he will change once they are married?  In most cases how one acts during courtship usually transfers into the marriage as it is a part of the character.

I seriously doubt he would suddenly change but Allah knows best. I would kindly suggest she leave him alone to avoid future hurt and focus on her future with a potential spouse elsewhere.

Another proposal

As far as who her parents have chosen for her, really that is up to her. Has she had time to get to know him?  Do they have some common interests?  Is he one of good Islamic character? Does she feel they could make a connection after marriage?  Do they enjoy each others company?  Does she like his family?

These are all important questions to ask oneself when contemplating marriage, regardless of how they are introduced. While parents are good resources, they may have someone in mind who is truly not compatible for her.

Conclusion

Only your friend can know if the one her parents have chosen for her is the right one for her, and she should take every step possible to find out-in a halal way of course.  Your friend will be the one married to him, not her parents, therefore, she must make the assessment herself and decide.   

If he is not the one for her,  it is within her right to reject her parent’s choice for in Islam no one is to be married against their will nor to one who they know they do not care for.

These rights regarding marriage are very wise alhumdulilah as it can save a lot of pain in the future. I am guessing that your friend is around your age, so she is still young with lots of things to keep her busy such as work, school, family and socializing.

While it is good to get married young, it is not good to marry the wrong person just for the sake of getting married. I would encourage her sister, to take her time and wait if necessary. This is a huge decision and it is a life-impacting choice.

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Aisha Mohammad
Aisha received her PhD in psychology in 2000 and an MS in public health in 2009. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. Aisha specializes in trauma, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach.
Aisha works at a Family Resource Center, and has a part-time practice in which she integrates healing and spirituality using a holistic approach. Aisha plans to open a holistic care counseling center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocate for social & food justice. In her spare time she enjoys her family, martial arts classes, Islamic studies as well as working on her book and spoken word projects.