I’ve known this man for two years now. At the end of last year we planned to meet as we live in different countries but in the end my parents were disappointed and I didn’t go. This made him upset because he made many sacrifices for me and I think I betrayed him.
We stopped talking after that, and I made Dua for us to talk again and for us to get married. We started talking again, and we know each other’s intentions. We would like to meet and get married. I would have to go to see him because of some personal problems he can’t come to see me.
My parents are not Muslim and I haven’t told them I am a revert/convert. Only my mum knows about him. She doesn’t approve of him because of where he comes from and how he looks, because he has a beard. In their religion is not favourable.
Also, their religion forbids marrying someone who’s not in their faith and they will be really disappointed however I love him and want to marry him.
What can I do? I feel really lost.
Answer
Salam Aleikom Sister,
Thank you for writing to us with your concern. I’m so sorry to hear of the difficulties you have with getting married.
From what you have written, I understand that you have converted to Islam, and now have been talking to a man for two years who lives in another country. This is an online relationship so far.
Your parents disapproved that you travel to him, and he cannot travel to you due to personal issues. Due to this problem, you already stopped talking to each other as he got mad at you, but then you started talking again and now both of you are still wishing to get married. You are wondering about your next move now.
Online Relationship and Getting Married
First of all, congratulate yourself on your conversion to Islam. May Allah keep your heart open and direct you on the right path. As a fellow revert, I encourage you to keep learning about Islam, applying its teachings step by step, and maintaining a strong relationship with other Muslim women.
When it comes to marriage, everything starts with knowing yourself first; your personality, where you are coming from, what your weaknesses are, and where you are headed.
The more you know yourself, the better choice you can make when you are looking for someone who completes you.
Questions to Ponder Upon
- So, what do you dream of in life? Where are you? What do you do?
- What values and standards are the most important to you? Select the 4-5 main ones. What do these values mean to you? For example, as you are a convert, Islam and being a Muslim seem to be important to you. What does it mean to you to be a Muslim? How do you know someone loves you or cares for you?
- Why do you want to get married? “By 23, it is high time to get married.” Is it social pressure?
- Or is there something missing in your life that you want to fill with marriage? Are you fine alone but feel ready to step up to the next level in your life? What do you expect? What will a marriage give you?
- What would you expect from a husband in a marriage? And what can you offer him as a wife?
- What are the situations that make you angry, upset, or stressed? These are issues you need more in depth reflection and making efforts to work on them so that inshallah they do not cause you much unnecessary conflicts in a marriage.
These are just some of the questions a premarital counselor would ask you. (There are books and courses online as well. I would recommend sister Haleh Banani’s course.)
I believe the best you can do right now before getting married is go through some of these questions in order to get yourself set for a successful marriage. The ideal situation would be for the both of you to participate in a premarital course.
The Challenges of Online Marriage Searches
Once you go through some of these questions, look at your relationship with this man. Is he someone that you feel would fit you?
The fact that you live in different countries is a huge barrier to getting to know each other properly. Online platforms can be great tools, but you must spend some time with each other in real life in order to get the full picture of the other person.
How does he interact in real life with others? What is his relationship with his parents and friends? You can not only depend on his words when it comes to getting married.
Here is a good article from Psychology Today on online relationships:
“When we would eventually meet, sometimes it was pure magic, one of these rare times in a life when everything finally seemed to fit together and I felt I’d met my other half. Other times it was… well, less magic, because the spark in person didn’t match the connection we made online.”
You will also need to find a solution to the challenge that he lives in another country. Someone, or both of you, needs to move eventually.
Are you ready to live in his country, or somewhere else? What does it take for him to come to your country?
Red Flags
It is very hard to give advice based on a short message, but the fact that he does not want to travel to you “due to personal issues” sounds like a red flag to me. If someone is serious about marriage, he does his best to get to know the other person and their family.
I am not trying to say he lies to you or even that he is a bad man who wants to take advantage of you. I am just saying it is better to not only go with the flow but actually get to know each other in a more conscious way to avoid future conflicts due to core differences.
Your Family
Maybe your family would have a different opinion of him and would eventually approve the marriage even if they met him in real life.
So if you want their approval because they are important to you, I would encourage this young man to do his very best to travel to you and meet your parents.
If your parents disapprove of him only because he is from a particular country or has a beard (and not because they feel he is not a good person or a good match), then, of course, there is no obligation to you to follow their words.
“Be grateful to Me and to your parents, for unto Me is the final destination. If they strive to make you associate with Me that for which you have no knowledge, do not obey them but still accompany in the world with good conduct.” (Surat Luqman 31:14:15)
Islamic Etiquette of Getting Married
I would also encourage you to learn about the Islamic way of getting married. As a Muslimah, you need to learn about the conditions of marriage, your Islamic rights as a wife, and the rights of the husband prior to marriage so that you enter with knowledge. Again, there are many courses on these or articles on our website, such as:
How Does a Muslim Get Married?
Responsibilities of Husbands & Responsibilities of Wives (Khutbah by Nouman Ali Khan)
I hope I was able to help you with your issue.
Read also:
***
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information that was provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, it’s volunteers, writers, scholars, counselors, or employees be held liable for any direct, indirect, exemplary, punitive, consequential or other damages whatsoever that may arise through your decision or action in the use of the services which our website provides.