We are in the same class and sometimes we do projects together and I always try to be the most respectful to her and my religion. I don't know what to do and how. I tried to forget her but it got worse and I found her more and more perfect.
I made dua all this Ramadan but no response and I don't despair of Allah's mercy. But it is difficult for me sometimes to do 3ibada or to pray because I am too much in love and I need some guidance or what to do.
Sometimes when I think that she doesn't love me back or she is too beautiful for me I am desperate. I need help
Answer
In this counseling post:
- What you are experiencing on an emotional level is completely normal. But sometimes we project our best wishes on someone. We see them as perfect, when in reality they are not.
- Start learning to manage these feelings: to practice self-control, and to create a healthy physical and emotional distance when necessary.
Assalamualaikum, and thank you for your question.
You are 13 years old and you are experiencing attraction and growing feelings for your classmate. Yet you don’t know what to do with these feelings, and you are afraid. Of course, you don’t want to enter into something that is not allowed. But you are also afraid that your feelings might not be returned.
The thing is that what you are experiencing on an emotional level is completely normal for your age. It is normal for you as a human being to feel attraction and love. These feelings are part of how we are created. They are connected to the basic human need of feeling loved and seen by someone else.
Love is natural
Your fear that she may not see you the same way or love you as much as you love her is also coming from a very natural and healthy place.
That being said, sometimes we project our best wishes on someone. We see them as perfect, when in reality they are not. And this idealization can lead to disappointment once we realize that we do not see them as they are, but as we want them to be.
So the issue here is not to be afraid of these feelings, to reject them, or to feel guilty about them.
The important question is about your actions: whether you should act upon these feelings and what the consequences might be.
What would be the consequences of becoming very close or starting a relationship? Is there anything realistic that can come from these wishes and desires at this stage of your life?
Learning ground for taqwa
With the right mindset, this can be a very good opportunity for you to learn about yourself. You can learn to deal with these feelings as a teenager, to manage them, and understand that it’s not about acting on every attraction we have. Especially if we want to follow the guidance of our deen.
Practically, what you can do is accept that it is okay to feel this way. Do not hate yourself for it. Instead, gently start learning how to manage these feelings: how to practice self-control, and how to create a healthy physical and emotional distance when necessary. It will help you to learn how to interact with others with confidence and self-respect.
Because in the end, it is about akhlaq (good character), taqwa (God-consciousness), and respect. Learning to handle these interactions in a way that does not lead us into situations we should avoid to protect our deen.
I hope this helps, and may Allah make it easy for you.