My concern is a person I have seen ever since I started university. The first year, I only saw him when walking past as it was an accidental look.
I am not someone who looks at guys or anything. I am rather very quiet even around girls as I feel really shy to be loud in public and around people who are not family.
Ever since the first time I saw him accidentally, I felt like I recognize him from when I was young but left it as it is. Then in the second year, he was in my lectures and once he saw me he stared at me for a few seconds which made me feel uncomfortable.
Since then I thought this guy is so weird. Throughout the year, I have been hearing stuff about him from people saying he has never been in a relationship and some girl likes him but he said he doesn’t like them and is only here for education.
Now, in third year, he was in my class for 3 months and we had to work in a group, but he was really shy around me. When I talk to other people I feel like he follows whom I talk to and the things I say.
He has never tried to speak to me neither have I. But if I need a pen or anything in class, then he does suggest to give one when no one does.
And again I feel like I have seen him from an incident when I was small. This thought has been going on for nearly 6 months.
Very weirdly before that my young sister saw a dream in which I was marrying a boy from my university with the last name Islam. And I find out that boy’s sure name is Islam too. So since then I have not looked at him and stayed well away.
But even though I ignore it all and don’t think about him but now when I suddenly see him and look away and get really weird feelings. This is really bothering me.
I read duas and make dua for Allah to remove him from my mind if he has not been written for me as I don’t want anything haram. But again he pops up in my dreams.
All of this stuff is just bothering me. I don’t know how to manage it anymore and these weird attraction or chemistry whatever it is - it’s just really weird.
I really want you to pray for me and if he is not written to be my spouse then to remove him from my life and thoughts. Please give me some advice. Thank you.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
If you are serious about marrying this person you see on campus, you must approach someone who can provide you with sincere and true information about him.
Consider speaking to someone you trust (mother, sister, friend, etc.) and share your feelings and seek advice on how to approach this matter.
Pray Istikharah.
I understand that you may have very high opinions about him, but it may be that those are a result of the feelings that you have for him and can be biased.
Assalamu Alaikum sister,
Marriage is a very important part of life, and it is only natural that you are thinking about it.
There is nothing wrong with considering certain people that you see around as potentials.
However, you must not dwell on thinking about them and fantasizing about them such that it is all you can think about.
Not only will this hinder your productivity, it will seriously impact your quality of everyday worshiping and connection with Allah.
Pray istikhara
I highly suggest that if you have such feelings about this individual, you start praying Salat-ul-Istikhara as soon as possible, once a day every day.
Jabir Ibn Abdullah said, “Allah’s Messenger used to teach his companions to perform the prayer of Istikhara for each and every matter just as he used to teach them the Suras from the Qur’an.
He used to say, “If anyone of you intends to do something, he should offer a two rak`at prayer other than the compulsory prayers, and after finishing it, he should say the supplication.” (Sahih Bukhari)
Essentially, the prayer will guide you towards what is right and will deter you from what is wrong. This will not be in a form of a dream or anything.
What is right will become easy to pursue and what is wrong will be removed from your pathway.
However, when you are seeking Allah’s counsel, you must not be thinking of preferring one direction over the other.
You must simply seek to attain what is sincerely better for you for this world and the afterlife.
Communication
Whether he is written for you can only be determined through serious and decent communication.
This is not something that can be determined without communicating with him about his interests and feelings.
You must consider speaking to someone you trust (mother, sister, friend, etc.) and can share your feelings and seek advice on how to approach this matter with your parents if you are not comfortable.
Then, you must let your parents know before you approach him.
I have seen many circumstances where girls decide to approach the matter themselves.
And enter a state of depression and isolation when the things they want do not happen.
Therefore, my sincere advice to you would be to share this with your mom or dad whom you are comfortable discussing this with. Then proceed.
Check out this counseling video:
If you are serious about marrying the individual who you see on campus, you must approach someone who can provide you with sincere and true information about him.
I understand that you may have very high opinions about him, but it may be that those are a result of the feelings that you have for him and can be biased.
Importance and responsibility of marriage
You will not be able to stop thinking about him unless and until you occupy your mind with something else.
Although it is what is occupying your mind now, you must not let it overcome you to an extent that you become obsessed with him.
To prevent this from happening, I suggest that you inform yourself on the reality of marriage and its importance.
Society over emphasizes beauty, physical relationships, and money when it comes to marriage and fails to emphasize the importance of religion.
In marriage, decency, kind-heartedness, compromise, faith, trust, and gratitude matter most. That spouses should show towards each other.
If you are sincerely interested in marriage, then I highly suggest that you answer these questions and learn more about what you would like in a marriage.
- What is your concept of marriage?
- What are your expectations of marriage?
- What are your goals in life? (long and short-term)
- Identify three things that you want to accomplish soon.
- Identify three things that you want to accomplish, long term.
- Why have you chosen me/another person as a potential spouse?
- What is the role of religion in your life now?
- Are you a spiritual person?
- What is your understanding of an Islamic marriage?
- What are you expecting of your spouse, religiously?
These questions can be considered a guideline when considering the type of person to marry, and what kind of a marriage are you interested in making.
Character over chemistry
I also advise that you chose character over chemistry if it is what is motivating you to marry him. A famous quote follows,
“Chemistry ignites the fire, but character keeps it burning.”
Therefore, four of the most important features good character is humility, kindness, responsibility, and contentment.
You must also ensure that this individual has an emotional connection with you.
There are four questions that you must answer YES to:
- Do I respect and admire this person? What specifically do I respect and admire about this person?
- Do I trust this person? Can I rely on them? Do I trust their judgment? Do I trust their word? Can I believe what they say?
- Do I feel Safe? Do I feel emotionally safe with this person? Can I be vulnerable? Can I be myself? Can I be open? Can I express myself?
- Do I feel calm and at peace with this person?
However, if things result in a NO, then you must take it is as a form of blessing from Allah.
Have complete trust in the fact that what was meant for you will never miss you and what you are not meant for you will never reach you.
Marriage is the foundation of our lives as adults. It is the foundation of society.
Most importantly, it is the foundation of the Muslim ummah. We must be very careful when making any decision regarding it.
I pray that Allah makes easy for you what is best for you in this world and the afterlife.
Salam,
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