I asked for a red balloon and I saw a red balloon floating outside. I asked for a monarch butterfly which I had never seen in 3 summers - and I saw two a few days later. He gave me the signs He will give her cure, He gave me hope and I did nothing to disobey Him.
In fact, when He gave those signs, I prayed with more reasons to be extremely grateful, but He took her away from me. How long can I stay trying to hold in my tears and wait for my own death? Because, with the way God works, He would probably make me live until I am a hundred.
I have no doubt, Allah, does not exist with the amounts of proof in the Quran, the signs I have gotten, and much more, yet I feel anger. Anger towards the fact that I am a game to Him. That He has so much power and yet here I am begging for something and He watches me with no remorse.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
We must know that whatever Allah does, He does for the benefit and love of his servants.
Experiences such as these also test our faith. It more or less challenges our faith. Will you keep praying and staying close to Allah?
Insha’Allah please think about the divine Knowledge Allah has, Allah’s mercy, love, and blessings he bestows upon us.
Please do stay close to Allah in these grieving times.
As Salamu Alaykum,
I am so sorry to hear that you lost your mom in October. Losing one’s beloved mother is the most hurtful, tragic experience any human can experience, I think. Nothing can replace our mom. May Allah forgive, show mercy, and grant your mom the highest ranks of Jannah. May Allah grant you ease.
Making Duaa
It is so beautiful and such an act of faith and trust in Allah as well as demonstrative of your love for Allah, that you made duaa continually through your mom’s illness.
It is also indicative of the great love you had for her. May Allah bless you. As you know duaa is one of the most powerful weapons we have and the prophet Muhammad (PBUH) advise us to make dua.
Outcomes of Your Duaa
As indicated by your question, you made sincere and loving duaa to Allah to grant your mother healing and health. You feel that Allah answered your duaas by showing you the signs that you asked for.
Rightfully so, you took these signs to mean that Allah would heal your mother, but as Allah knows best, that did not happen and she did pass away. I can imagine this is so hard to understand.
Some Thoughts on Duaa
I am not an Islamic scholar, however, I would like to add these points for you to think about. Please do consult our section Ask the Scholars for a more in-depth Islamic answer.
With that said, perhaps Allah did answer your duaa in regards to signs. Perhaps Allah in His mercy and wisdom wanted to acknowledge and show you that He heard your duaa and that He was listening. Thus, Allah showed you the beautiful butterflies and the balloon as a sign of His love for you.
Duaa Brought Signs but Allah did not Grant Duaa
You did see the blessed signs of your duaa, which is a mercy and a blessing from Allah because you did see signs meaning Allah loves you very much and listens to you.
However, your duaa for your mom’s healing was not granted. I can imagine this was very hurtful and as you wrote you feel angry, hurt, betrayed, and confused. You stated that you felt like you were “nothing but a game” to Allah.
Possible Reasons why Duua not Answered
Even though your duaa was not answered by Allah the way you wanted it to be, despite Allah sending you signs such as the red balloon and butterflies, please be sure that Allah does love you very much and Allah has no need to play games. Allah the Most High knows what is the best.
It could be that Allah showed you the signs much in the way maybe that your mom showed you signs of her love— with her smile, her tenderness, and her giving you things that you asked for. Sometimes though, your mom (like all moms) could not give you everything you wanted.
As Some doors Close
Perhaps your mom saw things that you wanted, that may have hurt you, thus she closed the door to things that were harmful to you. It is the same with Allah. As you know, Allah knows best. Perhaps Allah did not restore your mother’s health because perhaps there was something worse in life that would have harmed her.
Perhaps Allah in His infinite wisdom was saving your mom from something horrible, we do not know. Only Allah knows.
We must know that whatever Allah does, He does for the benefit and love of his servants.
Returning to Allah
Thus, death is returning to Allah. While it is sad for us to lose one we love so much, it is a beautiful thing for the believer. Perhaps had Allah granted your duaa, something very tragic may have happened to your mom that you nor no one else could foresee but only Allah could see.
Despite the pain and confusion, experiences like this show us Allah’s tenderness and mercy and love towards us, yet demands that we trust in His ultimate wisdom when things do not turn out as we had prayed for.
Tests and Trials
Experiences such as these also test our faith. It more or less challenges our faith.
While you saw signs that your duaa was going to be answered (and these were signs of Allah’s love) in the end your duaa was not granted… for reasons only Allah knows.
Will you look at the signs that Allah gave you as signs of His love and mercy, or will you throw it all away because in the end your mom returned to Allah? These are things to think about as Allah will test us to see if we do love and trust in him.
Insha’Allah please think about the divine Knowledge Allah has, Allah’s mercy, love, and blessings he bestows upon us. Perhaps your mom’s passing is not a blessing for you—but perhaps it was a blessing for her.
Conclusion
When making duaa for someone. We must take into consideration that everybody has a preordained time. Only Allah knows this time. We must also take into consideration that should our duaa for someone be answered it may not be in their best interest. It may be that something worse could happen to them in this life that Allah wanted to prevent from happening.
Lastly, even when signs are given for duaa but yet the duaa is not answered, are we going to stop loving Allah? Are we going to stop praying? Are we going to feel distant and angry with Allah? That is a real test.
Your Lord has shown you He loves you very much. How will you respond to Allah when Allah has in His Infinite Wisdom, showed your mom the most love and mercy given the situation as Allah knows it to be.
As Allah created us and knows our book of life-Allah knows best when it comes to showing mercy for His servants, much better than we do—even if it is our precious mom. Please do stay close to Allah. Pray, continue making duaa that Allah grant you ease.
Grieving is a process, however, Allah is our stronghold, not our enemy. Insha’Allah please seek counseling if you cannot break away from these feelings.
We wish you the best.
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general. They are purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.