Along the way, I found some hadiths and verses from the Quran which seemed unjust, but later I found explanations on articles that helped me understand it and I hope they’re true.
I recently found a Hadith saying that women could not refuse intimacy to her husband even if she was riding a camel. The Prophet (Pbuh) said that the women who were most deserving of heaven would not sleep until they had made their husbands satisfied. If he were dissatisfied for any reason and a ton of hadiths and opinions from scholars saying how sinful it would be for a wife to refuse intimacy without a good reason but by “good reason”, they only meant illnesses, obligatory fasts, or periods.
What would happen if her reason was an emotional one? Like not being in the mood, busy with something else, not emotionally ready, any anxiety, sadness, or being mad at the husband for something, etc. Would she be sinful if she refused for a reason like that?
I know in such cases, a husband should be caring and merciful and understand but what if he doesn’t? What if he’s mad or upset about it? Would she be sinful in such cases? I read an article in here saying that those emotional reasons would be enough, but after reading all those hadiths pressuring women to almost never refuse intimacy, I’m confused and afraid of being abused by my future husband.
I’m not married or planning to marry yet, I’m a 14-year-old girl. But when I read hadiths like these, I feel so anxious and scared that one day I might be forced by my religion and my husband to sexually serve him wherever and whenever he would want and my feelings would not matter at all, and if I would refuse then Allah (SWT) would punish me.
I know Allah (SWT) would never give anyone such a heavy burden, so please help me understand this, and thank you so much for your answer.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
Seek answers from our Ask about Islam or Ask the Scholar sections as well.
Sister, the key is ’working it out together.” When a husband and wife have a solid, close relationship, these things are not used as weapons or threats but are lovingly resolved.
Allah would never command a wife to be raped. A wife has the right to refuse for any of the reasons you mentioned in your question.
She just does not have the right to use sex as a tool, as a punishment to her husband, or refuse because she is not ’feeling him”.
Insha’Allah joins a study group at your Masjid or Islamic center.
As salamu alaykum sister,
Sister, you have such a beautiful and natural desire to learn about Islam, how inspiring you are, may Allah bless your path always. Understandably, while studying we find things that do not make sense or that we find difficult to understand.
Islamic Scholars
Sister, I am not an Islamic Scholar and these concerns are best explained and discussed by those that are. Insha’Allah check out our section “Ask the scholars” or try to attend some reputable online classes regarding these questions, or on Muslim women’s rights in general.
You indicated you did look at a lot of responses, but perhaps it can be discussed in a way that makes sense to you. Often times ayats and hadith as given in relation to other things.
Possible Interpretations
Sometimes when a rather shocking hadith is read (such as you were describing) they can be attributed to other issues. For example, there may be some wives who use sex as a weapon – withholding intimacy to get their own way, or if a husband won’t buy her something.
It could be that a wife may never want intimacy with her husband (marriage includes intimacy) because she dislikes him, or because she is angry. Perhaps these types of situations are why these hadith and articles exist.
A Woman’s Rights
Sister, as you know, a woman has many rights in Islam. As she has the right to choose who she will marry, does it make sense she would be forced to have sex? Or punished if she does not want to?
The forcing part, that is rape. Allah would never command a wife to be raped. A wife has the right to refuse for any of the reasons you mentioned in your question.
She just does not have the right to use sex as a tool, as a punishment to her husband, or refuse because she is not ’feeling him”. If a wife will not have sex with her husband because she dislikes him, they should divorce.
Sex/intimacy is a very integral and bonding part of marriage.
Mercy, Love, Kindness
Sister, one of the strong points is finding someone kind, merciful, loving, and compatible to marry. When a woman finds a husband like that, it is likely they will form a close bond and be merciful towards one another. In this case should the wife (or husband) not feel like being intimate, or be struggling with sadness, depression, or anxiety. Her husband will be merciful and loving and they will resolve it together.
Husband-Wife Relationship
Sister, the key is ’working it out together.” When a husband and wife have a solid, close relationship, these things are not used as weapons or threats but are lovingly resolved.
So, insha’Allah when you do get married, insha’Allah seek one who is kind, merciful, loving and one you can bond with.
Continuing Studies
Insha’Allah sister, you can continue your studies on a deeper level. There are many great online Islamic schools that are free or low-cost. Insha’Allah joins a study group at your Masjid or Islamic center.
Keep note of your questions, ayats or hadiths that concern you so you can bring them up during study classes. You may be surprised to find many other young girls (or boys) may have the same concerns! In fact, I get a lot of questions from women/girls relating to this very topic.
Conclusion
Insha’Allah, my dear sister this has helped you in some way, may Allah swt forgive me for anything incorrect I said. For a more in-depth answer, please see our Ask the Scholar section.
Please do keep studying and seeking answers! Knowledge is incumbent upon us and is a blessing. May Allah swt bless you for your determination, love, and your quest to seek the truth in our beautiful deen.
We wish you the best.
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general. They are purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.