I have engaged 2 years ago to my cousin who is 8 years older than me. I was basically forced to get engaged to him. And now the marriage is scheduled for next month.
I really don’t want to get married to him. He is not financially stable, I have lived like a queen in my father’s house, and now I don’t know how I am going to adjust with him.
All my cousins are getting married to very rich men, I don't know why I am stuck with him, and his mentality is like a desi aunts mentality.
I don’t even like talking to him, he is a very big snitch telling my mom and his mom of what we speak. He has no sense of privacy.
Breaking off the marriage is IMPOSSIBLE now. My to-be in-laws came from India for the marriage, and she is my dad’s sister also, my dad will favor her over me.
I am studying medicine, I am only in my third year. I really don’t want to have kids now at least until I finish my studies. I really hate the idea of having kids. I am the oldest sibling, I have grown taking care of my siblings. My youngest sibling is now only 2 years old, I can’t deal with any more kids. Why don’t my parents not understand me?
My uncles and aunts start teasing me about kids and all and his parents and my relatives are obviously expecting me to give birth in the first year of marriage itself. Wallahi if that happens I might really commit suicide. I can’t deal with all this stress.
I was a bright student before because of all this stress, my grades are going very low. When I tell my parents about how I feel, they scream at me and tell me you are 20 already then when do you want to get married at your age I was married with a kid and all that.
My parents think I can complete my studies after marriage, but tell me how? After marriage, they are expecting me to take care of the husband and pop kids for him. Due to all this, the father I adored before, I have come to hate him. My faith is gone, I do not pray now, do not read Quran, I do not do anything related to Islam now. I am living like a corpse now. I am living like a non-Muslim.
Before this proposal happened 2 years ago, I was a fully practicing Muslim. I wasn’t like the teenagers these days, I have gone to so many Islamic classes and I have the knowledge of everything. I don’t know what happened, after the engagement I have lost my faith.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
Sister, I understand this feels like it is unsolvable but it is. You have two choices. You can either get to know him and you may like him, or you may get to know him and you don’t like him.
If you don’t like him you can call off the wedding. Granted, this should have been done a long time ago, but here you are now. You do have choices.
Lastly, dear sister, in regards to your frustrations about him not being rich, please ask yourself, was our beloved prophet Muhammad (PBUH) rich?
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As salamu alaykum,
I am really sorry to hear about the situation that you are in. All too often parents try to force their children to get married to one whom they do not want to be with. It sounds like this is what has happened to you.
Pressure
Sister, I understand the pressure to marry one whom your parents have chosen, in Islam, no one can be forced to marry anyone especially a woman. In fact, forced marriages are not marriages.
However, you have had two years to say no but you have not yet. Now there is only a month or two left.
Sister, don’t get me wrong, I do understand the cultural pressure, and I understand wanting to please your parents. However, this is your life and it sounds like you will be very unhappy in this marriage. Despite it being one month away, I would kindly suggest that you do two things:
1. Get to Know Your Fiancee
The first thing to think about would be getting to know your fiancee. Is he really that bad of a person? Is he a good Muslim? Is he kind to you? Do you have things in common? Is he open to you finishing school and not having children right away?
The thing I guess I am asking you to do is to look at him separately from your parents forcing you to marry him. Look at his character, look at his Islam, and look at how your life would be married to him. Perhaps he is not that bad of a person.
Perhaps he would be open and supportive of you finishing your medical studies as well as waiting to have children. Perhaps he is very different from what his family and your family are pushing on you in terms of obligations.
I will kindly suggest in sha Allah that you sit down with him and have a conversation about these very important things. You may find that he is very willing you support you and what you would like, and you may find that you actually do like him.
2. Call off the Wedding
The second option would be to call off the wedding. Of course, this is going to cause a lot of problems, anger, sadness, and disappointment, but how long will that last?
I do understand the severity of this, however, the severity of living a life with someone that you do not love as well as giving up your career and having children immediately when you would choose not to.
Additionally, since this has been arranged by your parents two years ago, it appears that you have become depressed and withdrawn not only from your studies at school, life in general but from Allah as well.
To move forward in a situation that has already caused such negative reactions and feelings may not be wise. While this is an option, please do Istakharrah prayer prior to any decision regarding this.
This Moment
Sister, your future depends on this moment. It depends on your willingness to speak with this man regarding your terms in the marriage or your calling the marriage off.
Whether you realize it or not, you do have the control and the power to not marry. It will cause problems yes, however, do you really want to live a life that you did not choose?
Relationship with Allah
As far as your lack of relationship with Allah and you’re not practicing Islam, that is something that may be due to depression and feeling as if there’s nothing left. Allah loves you very much, sister. Allah did not make this decision.
Your parents made this decision and you agreed to it. It is not Allah’s fault. I kindly suggest that you start to pray and seek forgiveness for leaving Allah when it is Allah who has blessed you with so much and who loves you.
In fact, in hard times it is Allah who gets us through, who blesses our path, and protects us. Please do return to Allah.
Seek Counseling
Sister, as you said, you do not want to live like this anymore I am recommending that you seek counseling as soon as possible. If you truly want to work through this hard time in your life and come through successfully, you will take the steps needed.
I am confident that you can do it and I am sure that the situation will be resolved in a way that will make you happy, but you have to take the steps.
Additionally, if you do ever feel like taking your life please call the Suicide Hotline in your area as well as tell someone who you are close to. Ending your life is never the answer because there is no going back.
Conclusion
Sister, I understand this feels like it is unsolvable but it is. You have two choices. You can either get to know him and you may like him, or you may get to know him and you don’t like him.
If you don’t like him you can call off the wedding. Granted, this should have been done a long time ago, but here you are now. You do have choices.
Lastly, dear sister, in regards to your frustrations about him not being rich, please ask yourself, was our beloved prophet Muhammad (PBUH) rich?
We wish you the best.
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