My parents did not approve of my Hindu girlfriend I had. I have now broken up with her. I am back living with my parents.
I feel stuck. I feel like my life is on hold because I can’t find someone to settle down with. I feel really lonely.
There is not a lot of Muslim girls here. What do I do if I can’t find a Muslim woman to marry?
I want my parents to be happy, but I was happy with the Hindu girl. It feels like there is no way we both can be happy.
I always pray to Allah to help me. It has been years but I never find anyone suitable to make my parents happy. I feel like this is out of my hands.
I can’t do anything about it. I feel really depressed about this. What do I do? What actions can I take?
In this counseling answer:
•Speak with your local Imam or Muslim organization about marriage events or community leaders that assist in introducing people.
• Consider looking into local social events where you can meet new people.
• You can ask family and friends for help.
• Don’t let negative cultural prejudice impact your decision. Such as divorcees or women older than you. If this cultural prejudice is around you, do your best to ignore it as this is actually against the sunnah.
Assalamu alaikum wa Rahmatullah wa barakatu Brother.
My dear brother, please understand some people do not marry until their 30’s. Look at the advantages this offers you.
You have more understanding of the world around you and maturity due to the years you have waited. This can help you make smarter decisions regarding family and your future.
Let it Go
To begin with, it is important to ensure your past relationship is not holding you back. You mention this was years ago. At this point, it is reasonable to assume both parties will have moved on with their life.
Holding onto past relationships can make it a lot harder to find a new one. If you are still holding onto resentment and pain from this past relationship, then I suggest speaking honestly with your parents.
It can help to talk this out and vent all those emotions in a respectful manner. The more you let that go, the easier it is to find someone new.
Finding a Spouse
Please take comfort in knowing you are not alone in searching for a spouse. Many Muslims find themselves reaching out for assistance in the search for a compatible and good match.
Here are some suggestions for finding a match.
- Speak with your local Imam or Muslim organization about marriage events or community leaders that assist in introducing people.
- Consider online marriage websites such as HalfOurDeen or MuslimHabibi in New Zealand alongside others.
- Look into local social events where you can attend and inshallah meet new people.
- Consider asking family and friends for help.
- Don’t let negative cultural prejudice impact your decision. Such as divorcees or women older than you. If this cultural prejudice is around you, do your best to ignore it as this is actually against the sunnah.
I suggest sitting down with a pen and paper. Think about what characteristics you want your potential wife to have.
Write down 10 things you would like her to have. For example, if you would like her to have a college education or prefer someone who has a huge heart for animals.
Think about what it is you really need.
After you have written down everything that comes to mind, narrow it down to 5. Then once more, narrow it down to your top 3.
It is important to remember no one is perfect, there is no such thing as a perfect wife or a perfect husband, but some preferences are important.
Such as, if you were a Veterinarian who ran a dog and cat rescue then it would seem natural being an animal lover would be in your top 3.
Check out this counseling video:
Now I want you to think about the preferences of a potential wife. Write down your top 5 attributes that you believe a potential wife would appreciate.
For example, if you are a good listener or very good at repairs in the house then these could be strong attributes for you.
When speaking with potential women or making profiles for marriage websites, I encourage you to highlight these strong attributes! Let them know what you offer in marriage and speak naturally.
It is important to mention your marriage should ultimately be your choice. Yes, we must be dutiful to our parents and should always take their wisdom and preferences into account. However, you are a 30-year-old man who can determine who he is compatible with.
I don’t know how selective they are with your marriage, but in an abundance of caution, I will address this.
It is natural for parents to want the best match for their kids. Often they are correct about their choices, but they are not always correct. If you find someone that you have a connection with, even if they don’t initially agree, they will see how happy that person makes you.
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.