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I Still Hope My Ex-Girlfriend Will Come Back to Me

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Mar 13, 2019

Question

Assalamu alikum. When I was 11-12 years old, I was sexually abused by a man. At that time, I was addicted to pornography. I was looking for women to satisfy my desires. (I want to be honest and I will tell you everything.)

Regularly, I masturbated when I was in class 8. The consequence of this addiction made me behave like an animal. I tried to satisfy myself by abusing my family member. (I did not engage in sexual intercourse! Astagfirullah, may Allah forgive me.

Since 2008, I was looking for women. To engage in a relationship. I started smoking. Gradually, I deviated from my religion. When I was admitted to the university, I started practicing Islam again. From that time, I felt guilty for what I was doing with my own family member.

In 2016, I fall in love with a girl. When I proposed to her, she rejected me. I was so hurt, but after some time, I started reading the Quran, reading Islamic blogs to heal my heart. Alhamdulillah, I started praying 5 times a day. But I did not eliminate the feelings for her. I don’t know whether it is illusion or delusion, but constantly someone is whispering she will come back.

After a year, she came back into my life. But my mind was changed a lot but my feeling does not. Something was whispering to me that what I am doing is wrong, but I started dating with her. One day, I hold her hand and kissed her forehead. We ended up being alone at home. I felt I was an animal and a great sinner. Then I made the decision. I will not continue this relationship.

For a year,, I have been practicing every Islamic principle. I started motivating her to wear the hijab, but she refused. Eventually, she broke up with me. She said she could not maintain the hijab the way my family maintains.

For a year, I have no contact with her. My heart is bleeding. How can I get rid of these thoughts of hers? I still have the thoughts that she would contact me once and come back to me. I repent to Allah SWT for the transgression I made in my life. Alhamdullilah I am very happy now. Please tell me how can I remove my thoughts about her.

Counselor

Answer


I Still Hope My Ex-Girlfriend Will Come Back to Me

In this counseling answer:

• What you can do is to repent and ask Allah to forgive you for the mistakes you have made and promise never to do it again.

• To avoid watching pornography, you should avoid being alone and surround yourself with people most of the time who are good and practice Islam.

• You cannot force anyone to stay and love you or force them to practice Islam. It’s a personal choice and a commitment.

• To overcome your porn addiction, try Purify Your Gaze, an organization that helps Muslims who struggle with pornography and unwanted sexual behaviors.

• Try also to engage in Islamic discussion with people in gatherings and spend a lot of time with your family.


Assalam Aleikom,

I am sorry to hear your story. It is not easy to lose someone you love so dearly. I will try my best to assist you, inshAllah.

It seems like you have been through some very uncomfortable and hard time for the past 10-13 years. Being abused at a young age, porn addiction and abusive behavior go hand in hand.

karim serageldin & naaila clay

Addiction can make you frustrated. Sometimes, to get your frustration out, you target other people to become the victim of the abuse. So, like in your case, it was someone in your family. It cannot be justified in any way or form because you are responsible for your own actions.

It is not easy to live with such a big sin, but as long as you acknowledge it and try to move past it, it makes you feel better about yourself. Nobody is perfect, and all we can do is to improve ourselves and repent for the mistakes we have made and move on. After all, we are human beings and we sin in different ways.

The guilt you have for abusing your family member must be very though. What has happened has happened, you cannot go back in the time and change anything, unfortunately. What you can do is to repent and ask Allah to forgive you for the mistakes you have made and promise never to do it again. Pray 5 times a day, and ask for sincere forgiveness, I am sure when Allah has forgiven you, you will feel peace within yourself, Inshallah

Pornography Addiction

Unfortunately, it has become easy to get hold of pornography materials such as videos and photos, as the internet is readily available on smartphones, computers etc. It is easy to get into the trap of using it. It can lead to addiction if you do not stop consuming it at an early stage.

Many studies have shown that the international rates of consumption of porn can range from 50% to 99% of men to 30% to 86% of women. It has become a common problem and sometimes it is very hard to treat it, unless you really want help and before it has damaged a lot of relationships in your life.

Any form of addiction is not good for you, whether it is porn, drug or alcohol etc. To avoid watching pornography, you should avoid being alone and surround yourself with people most of the time who are good and practice Islam.

Read the Qur’an and engage yourself in activities to keep your mind busy. For example, play any sports you like and make it regular and make it a routine. The devil likes to play with your mind and makes you do things that are not allowed in Islam.

No addiction is easy to get over rid of, but if you really want to you can do it. It needs some focus and work.

You can always seek some professional help such as counseling etc. It might help you as they know how to treat people with addiction, that is their everyday job, and many people come to them with the same problem.

Islamic view on addiction

We live in a culture where we have a “have it now’’ mentality. It has become a problem for millions, especially when they cannot stop their desires. Sometimes desires become an addiction, and it can take years to overcome, if at all.

Islam tells us to have a balanced and moderate outlook on life. Human beings have natural desires and can fulfill these desires without letting it take control of you. Allah says in the Quran:

’’And be ye not like those who forget Allah, and He made them forget their own souls! Such are the rebellious transgressors!’’ [Al-Quran 59:19].

No one becomes addicted intentionally. It is an evil act that keeps on feeding your soul. Addiction is self-destructive behavior. That is the reason alcohol, drug, gambling, etc. are strictly prohibited, even in small quantities.


Check out this counseling video:


I am glad you practice Islam, mashAllah which will help you from the evil act. It is never too late. You are only 24 and have a whole lifetime ahead of yourself. Just keep repenting for your sins, and hopefully, Allah will forgive you, Inshallah.

Ex-girlfriend

Dating and having a romantic/physical relationship outside the marriage is not allowed in Islam. I am glad you released it and have cut off all ties with her. But the fact that you felt uncomfortable when you were with her tells that something was not right. If she left you once, the chances are she will do it again. You cannot force anyone to stay and love you or force them to practice Islam. It’s a personal choice and a commitment.

I know you wanted to be with her and liked her, but not everything you desire is good for you. If she was not able to adjust in your family, then it shows that she was not the right choice for you, as you have a different outlook on life than her. If she left you again for the second time, there is less chance of her to commit to you.

I would suggest cutting all ties with her, as it is haram to be with her, and if you cannot marry each other, there is no point in keeping contact with each other.

Find something meaningful in life and spend time towards that rather than torturing yourself with the thought of her coming back to you again.

You can’t force her to wear hijab. That is something she has to feel ready for herself, especially if she is from a family where wearing the hijab is not practiced at all. It will take some time to forget her completely, but you have to try.

It has been a year and she has not contacted you, so I suggest you get over her and continue your life in a normal way. Even if she came back, would you accept her after she has left you 2 times? You have to ask yourself, can you trust her to stay with you? I do not think she was the right person for you because if she was she would have stayed with you or at least tried to contact you.

Do not waste your time waiting for her. I would suggest that you ask your family to help you with finding a good girl for yourself whom you can marry. A good girl who practices Islam, who is modest, loyal and who can make you a better Muslim as well.

Marriage can keep you away from all the sins you have mentioned. Your wife and you will have a halal relationship and you can do anything you desire with her as long as she is happy with it, this way you do not need to engage in a haram relationship or watch pornography.

I would suggest that you preferably get rid of your porn addiction before you marry someone. It can affect your partner in the sense that she will get hurt and upset if she finds out about it. Seek help from a professional if you can’t seem to get over it. Try Purify Your Gaze, an organization that helps Muslims who struggle with pornography and unwanted sexual behaviors.

It can also help to maybe restrict your usage of the internet. You can try to put a time to when the internet turns off on all your devices after a set time during the evening when you are alone in your bedroom on your own.

Try also to engage in Islamic discussion with people in gatherings and spend a lot of time with your family. It will take your mind off pornography and your ex. Inshallah.

May Allah give you peace and guide you on the right path,

Ameen,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

5 Steps to Getting Over a Breakup

Tips On How To Overcome Porn Addiction

Trying to Move On After Broken Engagement




About Hadia Ali

Hadia Ali is a 27 years old Pakistani Muslim woman, born and bred in Norway. She has obtained her bachelor's degree in Sociology from Norway. Currently, she lives in the UK with her husband and two children. Email: [email protected]

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