I am 26 years old and still not married. It seems no one cares about it. They say girls can still marry after 30. I regret rejecting all the previous marriage offers. It makes me feel that I will never get married. I don’t want to fall for any haram relationship. Alhumdulliah I protect myself but I am scared about my future.
I am the only earning person in my family of 4 as my father left us alone again. Now I am tired of being the breadwinner. Everyone just wants me to be there for their work. I am not having my own life. I am only living for others sometimes it feels good sometimes I feel depressed.
I want to live my life, I want to study and become an alimah. I want to contribute more to the deen. I feel I am losing my friends and gaining enemies because I am straight forward when I easily get angry and I lose my control. I try to control a lot but sometimes it becomes difficult. Even protecting myself from haraam I still hear bad things from others in my family.
At present I don’t know what to do with my life? I am losing myself. I am trying to concentrate more in deen but sometimes it feels like I am not alive. There are lots of responsibilities in which I lost myself. I left everything to Allah, but my mind plays with all the bad things that happened in my life. I tried a lot to be positive. I am having complete trust in Allah for my life but I can’t take so much rejection.
What more changes do I need to do in my salah? How much more do I need to make astaghfar? I feel like I hurt someone because of which I am facing all these problems. What should I do to ask forgiveness from Allah. I don’t trust my family for my matters. I am totally dependent on Allah.
Please share any dua, any ayat of quran or any changes to make in my life.
Answer
In this counseling session:
- It would not be uncommon for people to feel down dealing with only one of these things, but you are carrying all these things on your shoulders at once.
- It seems like a lot of your feelings stem from a focus on the negative consequences of focusing only on other people’s needs and losing sight of your own.
- I’d suggest the first step for you to get out of this cycle of negativity is to focus on yourself for a change.
Wa alaikum salaam sister,
There are quite a few things that you have mentioned here that seem to be getting you down and it looks like it is the accumulation of all these things that have finally tipped you over the edge to feel down like this.
Firstly, you mention the issue of marriage, and then having anger management difficulties, difficult relationships with friends and family, losing sight of yourself, the pressure you face as the only breadwinner and so on.
Burdens
It would not be uncommon for people to feel down dealing with only one of these things, but you are carrying all these things on your shoulders at once. On the whole, it seems like a lot of your feelings stem from a focus on the negative consequences of focusing only on other people’s needs and losing sight of your own.
As a result, I’d suggest the first step for you to get out of this cycle of negativity is to focus on yourself for a change. This can be exhibited in a couple of ways; by doing things for yourself for your own pleasure, but also in terms of your interactions with others by not worrying about what others think and behaving to please them even if it is displeasing to you.
For example, regarding marriage. Even if others think it is fine to get married after the age of 30 but you would like to get married now, it doesn’t mean that you should be comfortable hanging around until then.
If you are ready to wed now then take active steps to do so and don’t be afraid to ask others for assistance just because they have a different opinion to you.
Check out this counseling video:
Pleasing others
Your focus on pleasing others and living only for others. With little focus on yourself has left you feeling rejected. Because you are relying on others rather than yourself. It’s a lot easier to let other people down than yourself. So it’s not surprising that you are feeling so rejected because so many people are relying on you.
This is by no means a reflection of you as a bad person who is wronging people. But more that there are so many more opportunities to let other people down when so many rely on you.
To counter these feelings, you can try and free yourself from this to some extent. By engaging yourself in more things where it is only you relying on you. You are so used to doing things for others that you don’t give yourself any time or appreciation
Focus on positive aspects
Feeling like you are being rejected by others is of course going to encourage you to only focus on negative things. Not only the negative things going on in your life, but any negative characteristics you may have as a person. Which will only serve to exacerbate your negative feelings further.
Without even knowing you personally, I’d like to take this opportunity to highlight some of your positive qualities that are evident from this short query only.
Even though you are concerned about what others think, you are also concerned about what Allah thinks and are actively doing your best to avoid harm. The fact that you live your life daily by working to provide for your family. This alone is a sign of your selfless generosity and kindness.
Write these things down and reflect on this every night before you sleep to end your day on a positive note thinking of the good things in your life to be thankful for generally and about you on a personal level.
As mentioned, the other problem is that your focus in all you do is to focus on helping others to the point that you have lost sight of yourself amongst the concern for providing for your family financially.
Focus on self
Something that could be very helpful for you is to start something new that you’ve always wanted to do. This may be in the form of a hobby or a course that you want to do.
You mention you want to study to become an alimah. Well, what’s holding you back? Do it for yourself. This will give you personal goals to work towards that are not reliant on pleasing anyone but Allah.
And leaves no room for feeling like you are not impressing others or being rejected by others because this is for you and Allah. This also relates to one of your last points regarding being dependent only on Allah. This is the fundamental truth. You are dependent only on Allah. We are all totally dependent on Allah.
Conclusion
Although you don’t seem to be consciously committing sins against people, you do mention that you do seem to be getting angry, perhaps as a result of your frustrations towards your present situation.
This may or may not be the reasons behind the difficulties you face now, only Allah knows. Regardless, Allah loves to forgive so there is never any harm in repenting to Allah.
If nothing more, it is a means to soften your heart and get closer to Allah. There are a few prescribed times that provide the best opportunity to do so such as in sujood and in the last third of the night.
May Allah keep you steadfast on His path and reward all your efforts to support your family and to please Him. May He grant you ease in your difficulties and bless you in all that you do.
Salam,
***
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.