My mother passed away when I was still little, and my father got remarried not long after. At first, everything was good, but my father started not letting me see my mother's side of the family. He would yell at everyone in front of him if they try to talk him down.
After that, my family started to break my trust and privacy. This is when I started no to trust them. Then I gave up many things that made me happy just for them such as watching tv and reading books. I honestly also feel worthless. I let them tell me what was okay and what was not okay, but they let my siblings do what I couldn’t.
I never yelled at them or showed anger towards them. I have always been holding it. Now I think I can't do it anymore. I know it's wrong of me to say so, but I really hold so much anger towards my parents. Maybe I hate them for mistreating me.
I keep thinking of moving out but it's impossible without a strong reason. A few months ago, there was a good man who proposed to me but my parents rejected it. They were playing "fortune telling" by saying stuff that he would do to me in the future. They also "counted" his birthday date to check his characters. I don't know what to do. I feel helpless and hopeless.
I'm not close to them at all and I don't talk to them even though we are living under the same roof. I don't feel safe talking to them and I'm anxious to be next to them. That's why I lock myself in my room all day when I'm home. I also turn off the light just so I can have my own personal space that no one can see. What should I do?
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• Please know that your parents do love you despite the way they treat you, and regardless of their actions. They do love you, they just don’t know how to love you properly.
• You need a social life. You do need to do things that you enjoy. You need to be around good friends.
• If you are interested in getting married, please do it for valid reasons and not because you want to get out of the house.
• It is good to talk and let things out. If you don’t have a friend that you feel you can confide in, I’ll kindly suggest that you seek out counseling.
• Please start a journal. This is a good way to express yourself, let out emotions as well as develop a plan of action to address your current needs and future goals.
As Salamu ‘Alaykum dear sister,
I’m so sorry to hear about the passing of your mom when you were a little girl. Losing one’s mom is such a great loss. I can imagine, it was a very difficult time for you. Moving forward was made even harder for you when your father got remarried and cut off your mom’s side of the family.
Not only did you lose your mom, but you lost that side of your family as well. Currently, you feel that you can’t trust your family as they have violated your privacy and so you spend much of your time alone in your room.
Early Losses
As I’m not sure how old you are, sister, but I will try to provide the best platform which I can to assist you, in sha’Allah. The current situation is one that is not conducive towards your growth, self-esteem nor to your sense of belonging. Your family is in disarray, your father yells at others in the family if they try to convince him to let you see your mom’s side of the family.
Your family has also broken your trust and privacy. You state that you currently do not trust them and that you gave up many things that once made you happy. You enjoyed reading books, watching TV and now you don’t do that. You state that you also feel worthless and possibly angry.
Sister, it sounds like you gave up a lot just to keep peace in the family. Even though your siblings get to do things that you want to do but are not allowed, you persist with wanting to keep the peace. May Allah bless you for your efforts. Trying to keep the peace, however, has had a negative effect on your emotions and your growth.
As you probably already know, it’s not healthy to just lock yourself in your room in the dark all the time. I understand it’s a form of self-protection (emotional) as you feel violated when it comes to privacy. However, you need a social life. You do need to do things that you enjoy. You need to be around friends.
You need to be happy. It is sad that often in life those who are closest to us cannot see the damage they are doing to us.
Perhaps this is the case with your parents, I am not sure. However, please know that your parents do love you despite the way they treat you, and regardless of their actions. They do love you, they just don’t know how to love you properly.
Peace and Patience
You sound like a very respectful young lady and your parents should be very proud of you. It is very difficult to hold everything inside, sister. You state that you never yell or show anger towards your parents which is good, we’re not supposed to. We are to always respect our parents and show them honor and calmness.
However, when one is hurting, it does take great strength to be able to hold emotions in. Sometimes when we hold our emotions in, it hurts us, especially anger. We need a positive way to express what we are feeling and to be heard and acknowledged. Without emotional release and support, people can fall into depression, hopelessness, anxiety, and other mental health issues.
Desiring Change
You stated that you keep thinking about moving out, but it’s impossible without a strong reason. I’m not sure if you’re contemplating going to college, getting married, moving with friends or another family. However, you talked about your parents turning down a marriage, so I will address that.
Check out this counseling video:
If you are interested in getting married, please do it for valid reasons and not because you want to get out of the house. You could leave your parents’ house and get to a much worse environment. If you seek marriage, look for a partner who is compatible with you, who meets Islamic requirements, who is kind, nice, and who is a good Muslim.
Take your time in getting to know him and his family in a halal manner. Only you can decide if you’re going to get married and to whom.
I kindly suggest that before you contemplate marriage, that you resolve some of the issues that you have been going through now internally. You may not be able to change your family dynamics nor the way your parents are, but you can change the way that you react to your environment.
Supportive Tips
I kindly suggest, dear sister, that you find somebody you are close to within the family to talk to. If there’s no one close in the family you can confide in, talk to a friend whom you trust. It is good to talk and let things out. If you don’t have a friend that you feel you can confide in, I’ll kindly suggest that you seek out counseling.
A counselor is not a friend, but they are the kind person who cares about others. They are trained professionally to help guide individuals who are at a phase in their life where they may feel “stuck” or they may have mental health issues. A counselor can listen to what you have to say and provide good feedback.
As everything is confidential, you can talk about your situation. You can vent your pain and anger, and sort through your feelings knowing you have support. A counselor is legal, ethically bound to confidentiality, thus, anything you say (with some exceptions such as harming self or others) will not be disclosed. in sha’Allah, please do consider this option to gain control back over your life as well as starting a healing journey.
In the meantime, please start a journal. This is a good way to express yourself, let out emotions as well as develop a plan of action to address your current needs and future goals. You may want to journal in poetry style (write a poem about how you feel) or talking points.
Whatever you choose, do it in a way that feels good. When journaling, you should gain some insight, a sense of direction, as well as a bit of emotional release. After your writing in your journal, begin a list of the good things about you. Your accomplishments, your traits, nice things you do for others and so on.
Over time, this will give you a sense of the beautiful and capable person that you are. Make a list of your goals. What would you like to do? Take a class in pottery? Join a gym? Go to College? Attend more Islamic functions? As you write your goals, below each one list steps you can take to achieve them.
Try to go to the mosque often for prayer. Meet new sisters and connect with friends and plan a fun social outing. Try to seek a balance in life by filling your time with up building, fun, and productive activities. The more you engage in the outside world (of your bedroom) the more alive and refreshed you will feel, in sha’Allah.
Try to eat good healthy foods, engage in exercise daily, drink lots of water and practice positive affirmations. in sha’Allah, sister, these tips will help you.
Conclusion
in sha’Allah, sister, you will find things that inspire you and encourage you to re-engage with life in a healthy and Islamic way. You have choices, you just need to map out your direction. If you feel you cannot pull yourself out of the “slump” you’re in, please seek counseling.
Stay close to Allah, make du’aa’ for ease and direction. I am confident you can achieve the happiness you seek. It just requires you to take the first steps.
We wish you the best,
***
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.