I know you are going to say that we shouldn’t break ties of kinship because we may go to hell for that, but I fear that if I stay with them any longer I will either go psycho or kill myself.
I am religious and I pray 4 times every day, I am still trying to make my fajr prayer constant. I along with my 2 brothers and one 1sisters have tried to resolve the issue, but it’s worthless. We are completely isolated from both sides, maternal and paternal sides of the family because of several verbal fights (though not extreme). No one comes to visit us except if there is someone sick and wants help from my parents.
No calls. No visits. Not even on Eid. I hate everyone in the family because no one admits their mistakes and forgives others’ shortcomings, even my own father and mother and aunt and uncle. Their marriage is now 20 years old.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
I would like you to keep in mind that while it is ok to feel upset and angry, self-harming behavior would never be the right response. If you are frequently thinking about suicide, please contact immediately a mental health professional!
You can try to sit down with your parents in a quiet moment and explain to them with kindness and calmness that the constant fights have negative effects on your wellbeing.
Suggest them take marriage counseling.
I kindly suggest you learn more about how to control your emotions and cope with emotional distress.
What about taking the initiative and starting to keep in contact with your relatives, and building good relationships within the family?
Salam alaikom wa rahmatullah dear,
First of all, thank you for reaching out and for sharing your struggle with us. In moments of hardships, the first step – and sometimes the hardest – is to open up and ask for help.
I am really sorry, that you have to witness the constant fights of your parents. It is completely understandable, that you do not feel comfortable and do not want to grow up in a negative, conflictive atmosphere.
Self-Harm Will Not Solve The Problem
Your letter echoes the emotional annoyance you have been experiencing. First of all, I would like you to keep in mind that while it is ok to feel upset and angry; self – harmful behavior would never be the right response.
Even if you are really fed up, and eager to change the situation, taking your life away would definitely not solve the problems between them!
Furthermore, if these thoughts are not only occasionally happened during a rage towards your parents, but you are frequently thinking about suicide, please contact immediately a mental health professional!
You Are Not Responsible for The Disputes
I would like to tell you that although having concern for your parents is valuable, and very much encouraged in Islam, you are not responsible for the disputes between them.
As you said, they have been married for 20 years now, so surely, they have more insight into the complexity and nature of their conflicts than you could be aware of as a daughter.
Please, think about this verse of the Quran:
„Who spend [in the cause of Allah] during the ease and hardship and who restrain anger and who pardon the people – and Allah loves the doers of good”. (Quran 3:134)
You are probably angry because you feel that you cannot do anything about this displeasing situation between your parents. In this verse, restraining anger is followed by another important message: „pardon the people”.
Try to also understand and forgive your parents, as they are also humans, and surely will commit errors in their marriage. Being angry with them may not ease the situation, but turning towards them with a forgiving, helping hand will be more efficient!
On the other hand, it is very common, that long–term conflicts between parents cause mental, academic, or even physical health struggles for their children. Unfortunately, these harmful effects also can happen, when otherwise you have a good relationship with your parents.
Imagine the family like a machine: the “pieces” are interconnected. When a problem shows up between two members, it automatically affects the others and puts them at risk of their well-being.
Reflecting upon your letter, I am suggesting the following things:
Express your concern towards them and your eagerness to have a more harmonious family life:
I can feel that you are really disturbed and would like to initiate change and improvement in this situation. Mashallah, trying to settle peace and reconciliation between your parents is a very rewarding attitude! Allah says in the Quran:
“The believers are but brothers, so make settlement between your brothers. And fear Allah that you may receive mercy.” (Quran 49:10)
Making efforts to reach peace and tranquility in your family would be an important step not only for the sake of Allah but for the well-being of each member!
You can try to sit down with your parents in a quiet moment and explain to them with kindness and calmness that the constant fights have negative effects on your wellbeing.
You also may advise them to seek marriage counseling or a family therapist who would assist to reestablish healthy dynamics among your parents and the family. If they realize that they are not only harming their relationship, but the well-being of their children, they might be more ready to seek a solution.
Learn to control emotions:
One of the negative consequences of growing up in a household where conflict is not resolved in an effective and adequate way is that you could internalize this behavior, and apply it later in your private life. Eventual disagreement in a relationship is totally normal, but we have to learn not to solve conflicts with emotional rage through quarrels and discussions.
I have to reassure you that conflict management and emotional control are learnable skills!
Even, from an Islamic perspective, it is a very rewarding practice, as the Prophet (peace be upon Him) warned us about the importance of controlling our anger:
“Verily, the strong are only those who control themselves when they are angry.” (Sahih Al- Bukhari 6114)
In order to be able to remain well in an emotionally conflicting environment, you have to learn how to distance yourself emotionally from situations that are not your personal concern.
Healthy boundaries are very important in a family and actually in our relationships. Therefore, I kindly suggest you learn more about how to control your emotions and cope with emotional distress.
You can try individual counseling. Besides, there are online training available, and also plenty of self–help books, articles on this topic. Emotional control and conflict man would be very beneficial skills not only now, but later, when you live in a relationship and have your own family.
Start to build good family relationships:
You wrote in your letter that the relationship with other family members is poor, and the other family members are not around except for in the neediest moments. Yes, good and strong bonds are important and beneficial, as Allah says:
„I am the Merciful (ar-Rahman). I have created ties of kinship and derives a name for it from My Name. If anyone maintains ties of kinship, I maintain connection with him” (Al-Adab Al-Mufrad 53)
What about taking the initiative and starting to keep in contact with your relatives, and building good relationships within the family? You can message them, call them more frequently, send them small gifts on Eid.
You do not need to follow in the footsteps of your parents in handling their relationships. Perhaps with your good example and positive attitude towards your family, you set an example and help them realize their faults and generate change.
May Allah bless you and help you to reach improvement, and bring peace to your family!
Salam,
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