I’m suffering from really bad bisexual ocd. It’s caused me to get tempted, curious to imagine fantasy and masturbation. I know once the fantasy stops I find it disgusting and physcologists have said it’s normal for straight people to think of lesbian fantasy but it doesn’t mean they are lesbian. I’m trying to seek reassurance.
All my life I’ve been straight, I like men. I’m a virgin and have never ever done anything bad with anyone. I want to save myself for my husband. For some reason recently I’m not able to imagine myself sexually with a man, I’m not finding interest in it. That’s why I’m really worried.
I know In reality I like men but for some reason the Fantasy I’m imagining is lesbian fantasy. I’m also kind of forcing myself to enjoy it to seek reassurance. My ocd is worsening. I hate the idea of homosexuality, I am completely against it, and I find it disgusting. Could I please have some Islamic advice on this ?
I’m praying to Allah crying every day. I feel like Allah isn’t helping me. Homosexuality is a huge sin in Islam - but that is not just what scares me even if I wasn’t Muslim I still wouldn’t like to be gay because it’s not normal for me.
The idea disgusts me and the fact that I’m enjoying the fantasy is scaring me more. I’m definitely not bisexual. I get false attraction and false thoughts but I know I’m not attracted to women.
I look at women and I feel fear in reality. Please give me some advice. If Allah is giving me the test of being bisexual then I really want to die! Please make dua for me and give me some advice on how to remove this fantasy and not find interest in it.
Answer
In this counseling session:
- You are at the age when you explore and then come to realize what your preferred form of sexual expression is. This is where Islam guides us and tells us that heterosexuality is the approach in which our sexuality should be completed – after marriage, of course.
- I kindly suggest you to seek help from a one to one therapy. There might be other underlying issues – attachment problems, abuse, …etc.- that make you feel this way. There is always a reason, keep this in mind.
- Please sister, increase your knowledge about Islam and how Allah rules this world. Strengthen your relationship with Him so that you never get lost.
Assalamu Aleikom sister,
Thank you for sharing your problems with us. I am sorry to read of your confusion with sexual orientation. However, I can reassure you, especially as you seem to be in your teen or twenties, that your feelings and fantasies about your own gender are completely normal and healthy. It does not mean you are homosexual at all! Do not worry.
Let me explain, but first of all, let me state that I am a Muslim counselor who studied psychology and holds a certificate of the NLP Practicioner. Therefore, I am not an Islamic scholar. So, If after my answer you wish to read more about the topic from the scholars’ viewpoint, please check these posts on homosexuality.
Sexual feelings towards the opposite gender
First, you are at the age when you are exploring your sexuality. A natural part of it is having sexual fantasies – of the opposite gender and maybe of your own sex as well.
You are at the age when you explore and then come to realize what your preferred form of sexual expression is. This is where Islam guides us and tells us that heterosexuality is the approach in which our sexuality should be completed – after marriage, of course.
I found for you an interesting research in the topic to further clarify for you that being a lesbian or gay, or else, and being a heterosexual with certain feelings or thoughts towards your own gender is not the same.
Check out this counseling video:
“Desire and behavior are not the same as identity. A person can identify as straight, but still desire or engage in sexual contact with persons of the same gender.
Arielle Kuperberg of The University of North Carolina and Alicia Walker of Missouri State University decided to investigate the experiences of college students who identified as straight, but whose most recent sexual encounter was with a person of the same gender…
It is also clear that the majority of these students are unlikely to be “closeted” or secretly gay: Some will no doubt transition to a gay, lesbian, or bisexual identity, but others will continue to identify as straight.” Psychologytoday.com
So, FEELING some kind of attraction or having sexual fantasies about your gender could be a natural part of forming your sexuality. It does not mean your are lesbian or bisexual.
This is only my own thought, but this could be the reason Allah has taught us to have a certain level of modesty even in front of women. Because He created many of us in a way that we might feel attracted to our own gender to a certain extent.
“A woman should cover what is between the navel and the knee in front of another woman, whether the woman is her mother or sister or is not her mahram. “ (AI Scholar)
He has put this desire in us. It is like any other desire, – you decide whether you want to follow and live it or not.
As Muslims, hamdulillah we have a firm guidance to life; how we should do certain things and what we should avoid. What is right and what is wrong. Thus, we know it is not allowed for us to go ahead and get into a love relationship with people of the same gender. We cannot fulfill our sexual desires this way – which is an immense test for those who decide
Hamdulillah sister you seem to believe in the truth of this guidance, and you wish to follow its teachings. You also mentioned you do desire to get married and you do have desire for men; you just do not fantasize about them. This could have many reasons, I will mention about it later. Nothing to worry about. As long as you believe in the guidance of islam that it is what you wish to follow for life, sister, there is nothing to worry about, biznillah. May Allah always keep you on the right path and with right decisions.
Understand your emotions
Avery important point that will ease your stress is that Islamically we are only accountable for our actions, based on the intention, – and not our feelings.
“Deeds are but by intentions and every person shall have what he intended…”
“Whoever chooses to follow the right path, follows it but for his own good; and whoever goes astray, goes but astray to his own loss; and no bearer of burdens shall be made to bear another’s burden. (Quran 17:15)”
However, this is the point where the guidance of Islam comes in again as our emotions do have a direct effect on our behavior.
The process is that our emotions influence our thoughts, and our thoughts influence our actions. Although we cannot control our emotions, we must understand them well where they come from and what we think of such emotions because it will have a direct impact on how we behave. The good news is that you always have the choice.
So, In your case, when you have feelings for the same gender, you might think “it is normal to have these feelings, I am not alone, many straight people might experience this, but I know I want to get married to a man and have a family. I do feel much more attracting to men.” So, you act upon this thought and get married while ignoring your other desires.
Or you might think “it is ok to feel this way, and actually I do want to experience and follow my emotions because I have more attraction to women.” Then you act upon this and decide you want to live a life of a lesbian.
It is your choice, based on what you believe is the right choice for you.
So, the question is, what do YOU think of YOUR emotions? This will determine your behavior – and this is what you will be only accountable for Allah.
Sister, It is very clear from your message what you think of your emotions and how you wish to proceed with your life in regards to your sexual orientation, biznillah. Do not worry.
Seek professional help
Sister, if after my answer you still feel stressed, and you can not let worrying about these desires, if you feel at any point you do not feel attracted to men (although this might be only because you have not met any man that would interest you, or maybe you live in a society that segregate men and women too much), I kindly suggest you to seek help from a one to one therapy.
There might be other underlying issues – attachment problems, abuse, …etc.- that make you feel this way. There is always a reason, keep this in mind.
If indeed you do have OCD, this is a mental disorder that you will surely need to seek help from a professional. It is completely OK to seek help from professionals who will guide you towards understanding what is happening in you.
Keep in touch with Allah
Sister, at the end, I am a bit concerned about your sentence “I’m praying to Allah crying every day. I feel like Allah isn’t helping me. “
We all have hardships and challenges in life. This is currently yours. That does not mean Allah does not love us or does not help us. Remember the prophets how hard tests they were getting; hunger, torture, humiliation, poverty.
We have lots of articles on the purpose of tests in our life and the wisdom behind hardships. Please read more about this to feel the peace inside. However, one thought I wish to highlight is that if you think positively of the challenges, – that they serve as lessons, situations that you get to lift you up, strengthen your faith, become a wiser person, a person with more emotional or other types of intelligence, …Then you will be able to feel content and find the knowledge Allah is pushing you towards. Remember, if we are always happy and relaxed, there are no problems, then how do we develop?
Please sister, increase your knowledge about Islam and how Allah rules this world. Strengthen your relationship with Him so that you never get lost. Please, also do activities that you love and relax you from all the stress that is occurring in your mind.
Make dua to Allah to bring you the prince in your life you will feel attached to, you will desire to marry and have a happy family.
Salam,
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