I am 19 years old. I have been struggling with social anxiety for years.
4 years ago I had depression. At that time, I was not a practicing Muslim. I even became agnostic. I had suicidal thoughts also.
After researching about God and different religions, I came back to Islam.
Now I don't have suicidal thoughts, but I always think about death. I want to die and the only thing that prevents me from suicide now is Islam.
Thinking about the future gives me anxious feelings to the extent that I feel I don't want to get married.
I am very bad with people, I have anxiety, and I don't want to get close to people. However, if I do not marry, then the people will be wondering why he didn't get married.
My biggest problem is that I can not be open about my problems with my family and friends. I have never told any person about my problems whether it is my social anxiety or other problems.
I don't know how to start. If I start, I would probably cry in front of them and that also gives me anxious feelings.
The only things that I like about myself are my body and some of my habits. However, sometimes I become like a bomb, which is ready to explode, and it scares me.
I want to share my problems and things with someone that I have been through especially in the last 5 years.
Now I am a university student, but these things have made me think that I don't know what to finish it.
I cannot concentrate on my exams.
In the past couple of months, I have been struggling spiritually as well. Please give me any advice.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
•As you grow and age, you will realize that perfection is not a destination; it is a journey.
•Allah saved you from committing suicide. Can He then not ease your social anxiety?
•Congratulate yourself on your accomplishment.
•Get strong, find your peace before thinking of getting married.
•Find your passion.
•Set clear, specific, achievable, realistic goals.
•Exercise.
•Network and connect with people outside your home.
Assalamu Alaikum dear brother,
Thank you for placing your trust in our ability to propose a solution to your current situation.
I am very happy to hear that you have overcome your suicidal thoughts, all because of Islam. I am also very impressed to learn that not only did you convert to Islam but you did so at a such a young age. Allah SWT has blessed you tremendously!
Perfection is a Journey
Dear brother, at your age, it is very easy to associate success and happiness with complete perfection. But as you grow and age, you will realize that perfection is not a destination; it is a journey.
The reason you are feel unhappy, anxious, and unworthy is because your min highlights all the issues you face in your life right now. You do not highlight the positivity in the past, or the present. Neither you feel hopeful for the future.
Let me tell you something. Every single person in the world feels depressed and hopeless on a regular basis. Some more than others. However, those who are successful at the end of the day are the ones who are able to brush off the past and the negativity of their thoughts and find the lessons the situations wants to teach them. Successful peopleare those who are able to apply those lessons to the future.
Dear brother, be proud of your past, be proud of your scars, and most of all, be proud to be a Muslim. However, realize there is a difference between arrogance and pride. You are proud of your past when you realize that it structured your present and will help you navigate the future with a clear direction, and you can avoid mistakes.
In addition, being proud of your past means that you can readily help others around you as you know how it once felt when you were in their shoes. Being arrogant about something implies that you are consistently degrading others.
In your question, you mentioned that you were on the verge of committing suicide, but you stopped.
Do you know what made you stop? Allah SWT deemed your life more important than death. He saved you from committing a sin.He SWT saved you from something that would have ruined your afterlife.
When Allah SWT can have mercy on you and bring you out of something as severe as an attempt to suicide, can He not ease your social anxiety?
Focus on the Present, Focus on Academics
Dear brother, you have been accepted to the university! Please, please congratulate yourself on your accomplishment!
You will start to feel mentally unwell and unhappy if you are not being cognizant of the blessings at hand.
It is the result of thinking that our simple negative thoughts of worry can turn into something real and negatively affect us.
Allah SWT says in the Quran,
“So, do not weaken and do not grieve, and you will be superior if you are [true] believers.” (Quran 3:139)
Never in the Quran, or in the sayings of the Prophet Muhammed SAW will you find that you are asked to despair, fall into hopelessness, and isolate yourself constantly thinking about your troubles. Instead, you are asked to see every situation from a positive angle and see growth.
Rest assured that you are not going to explode, but will grow spiritually, emotionally, psychologically and academically by simply focusing on the important and discarding the thoughts that make you feel stressed.
However, this can only be achieved through inner strength and by ensuring that you follow the following steps.
In addition, dear brother, you are 19 right now. You are now an adult. However, you should not be stressing over marriage just yet. You need to become an independent and a strong person.
You also need to shift your focus from what is bothering you too much. This will hinder your development into a strong man that you need to become in order to face life with intellect, strength, and skills.
Check out this counseling video
You need to take control of your mind. If you do not take control of your mind and fill it with positivity of what will benefit you soon, then you will suffer in the future and you will harm your mental and physical health largely.
The first step towards filling your mind with positivity is devoting time towards an activity that you truly enjoy, and focusing on making it your passion, your work, and potentially even your career.
Find yourself a passion
You need to find yourself a passion that will not only render you satisfied but also occupy your mind and prevent you from thinking back into the troubles.
However, the question arises, how you find out what exactly you are passionate about. How do you know?
These three questions help you find your passion:
1. What subject could I read 500 books about without getting bored?
2. What could I do for five years straight without getting paid?
3. What would I spend my time doing if I had complete financial abundance to do anything?
Therefore, once you find an activity, which successfully fits the three requirements above, then invest time and increase productivity.
Thoughts that promote hopelessness are not going to steer you in the right direction. Not only will they distract you from becoming productive from the world but will also distract you from preparing yourself for the afterlife.
In order to make yourself ready for the future, you must not acknowledge everything that comes your way. It is at this point in your life that you need to become goal oriented and not let any hurdles bring you down.
Decide What You Want in life. To get what you want, you must first decide what you want.
Be Willing to Dream Big Dreams. When you consider what you want to be, and you are willing to dream big, you will see how little insults from even your own family become meaningless because your mind is set on something even bigger.
Set Goals that will stretch you, that will make you work harder. See the benefits in improving yourself to be of service to others.
Start a success/personal development/goal journal and write your goals down. Writing down your goals makes you feel as though you can plan and achieve them rather than letting them be abstract and simply part of your imagination.
In addition, when you write down your goals, you feel lively and more relaxed. This way, you can also concentrate on your academic endeavors and give meaning when studying for exams.
Exercise
There is nothing better than exercise to promote productivity, positivity, creativity and happiness. Researches have found that people who are regular at exercising are hardly victims of depression, anxiety, sadness or even hopelessness. It also shows that after simply going for a 30-minute walk, individuals are more creative than before they had gone for the walk. Walking outside with happy friend or a family member also makes you forget things that once bothered you.
Network and connect with people outside your home
Sometimes, dear brother, when we do not have any close friends or other good company, we tend to make anything that happens at home the center of our universe—leading to anxiety and many other negative outcomes. This, as I have mentioned above, proves to be very detrimental for our own health and future success.
Networking and connecting with people around will help you limit your negative thoughts and spend the time interacting and having fun.
Therefore, I suggest that you get involved in activities relating to a mosque. Volunteer or simply spend more time with your friends doing activities that you enjoy.
In conclusion, I really think that in certain cases you may need to force yourself to change yourself for the better, as the negativity in your mind will constantly bring you down.
Therefore, I can guarantee that your life will change for the better when you force your mind to focus on a goal and a vision and work hard at achieving it.
Salam,
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