When I was in 6th grade, the girls used to bully me for not being on social media, for not being cool, for not knowing the meaning of curse words. Then in 8th grade, I opt for a bad company just to show everyone that I am cool too. The “coolness” meant at that time: talking to boys, abusing others, not wearing the hijab, etc.
In those days I got involved in a haram relationship with a guy of my own school. After some months, he insisted me to meet him but I was too scared for that. Then he convinced me and I met him. Then the meetups were just a normal thing. He used to touch me too. I wasn’t comfortable first, but then I got used to it. My parents didn’t know about this. I used to meet him after school. I lied to my parents that I am having A Tajweed class (ASTAGHFIRULLAH). I feel so ashamed for this till now. I wanted to get rid of this relationship but always thought at that time I loved him so it’s impossible to leave him.
Then one day my mom caught me outside the school. She got to know there is no extra class of tajweed at school. She asked me and then I again lied to her that I just wanted to spend some time with my friends. I found it so difficult to tell her truth. My parents stopped talking to me, but then after some days, everything was normal.
That was the time when I got to know there is no such thing as love in these Haram relations. I asked him and he said that our relationship was not haram as he wanted to marry me soon. But I told him that I do not want to continue like this. I want to leave him. He started blackmailing me saying that if I left him he would tell my parents. I started lying to him that my mom caught me and I cannot meet him again. But he kept blackmailing me. He asked for nude photos and dirty videos. I refused to send him any, but he sent me a screenshot of my father’s number saying he is going to call him. I got so scared that I sent him nude photos of myself. I feel so ashamed. I feel my body, my soul, and everything is dirty. I was sometimes even looking for ways to harm myself.
You know that when my father says to me that “you are my good daughter”, at that time my heart breaks. I want to scream that “No, I am not”. I am a sinful girl without modesty. I know it is a punishment from Allah. Please help me what to do.
In this counseling answer:
• Never ever think about self-harming. It is haram in Islam and not worth it.
• Distance yourself from him and never let him make you do haram things for him.
• Play reverse psychology with him; tell him that you have told your parents about the videos and everything you have been up to with him to them and that your parents are marrying to off to some cousin or something. Just make something up.
As-Salam Alaikum Sister,
It was so painful to read your story. I am really proud of you to share such a personal thing about yourself with us. I will try to assist you the best I can.
First of all, what is going on with you and this abuser is not right at all. The reason I am saying the abuser is because he is not your boyfriend or a friend. He is just an emotional and physical abuser. He is making you do things to you that you do not want to do.
You are right; there is no love in these kinds of relationships. He just wants to use you and control you for his own lust.
Abuser and blackmailer
You are only 18 years old. You have your whole life ahead of you. You need to put an end to this. Do not let him control your life anymore. He has done enough damage. If you show him that you are scared of him, then he will make you do anything he wants. He will abuse you and blackmail you more. All he wants is control over you so you can never leave him.
Distance yourself from him and never let him make you do haram things for him. He will continue with his blackmailing until he sees that you are scared. Do not show him that anymore. Play reverse psychology with him; tell him that you have told your parents about the videos and everything you have been up to with him to them and that your parents are marrying to off to some cousin or something. Just make something up.
Check out this counseling video:
What he is doing to you is not only damaging your self-esteem but also your mental health. He is what he is, you cannot change him, but you have to save yourself from him. He does not own you and has no right to abuse you in any way.
After you have spoken to him and told him that your parents know, you should block and delete him. There should not be any way he could contact you after that. Block his phone number and change your number as well. If he cannot contact you, he cannot abuse and blackmail you either.
Do not let him play with you. This is your life and you should be in control of it.
Pray to Allah and do not miss any Salaah. Yes, you do find peace of mind in Salaah. Allah listens to everything you ask Him for, so get close to Him and ask to seek for help from Him.
Allah says in the Qur’an:
‘’Verily, with every difficulty, there is relief’’.
I am sure you will be fine when you ask Allah for help.
You are a good girl
When your father says you are a good girl, believe him. You are a good girl. Your circumstances have made you do some mistakes, but there is never too late for repentance from Allah. You are not a bad person, but the things you have done are bad.
Never ever think about self-harming. It is haram in Islam and not worth it. Think about your parents and family. They love you and it will hurt them if you do something silly like that. Stay strong and believe in Allah. He will help you.
I really pray for you that everything gets sorted out for you.
May Allah show you the right path and ease your problems.
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