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I Hate Living Because of My Abusive Father

12 November, 2023
Q Salam Alykum, My mum, sibilings and I are struggling so much from my father's excess abuse. The whole day we are quite but he always finds something trivial to abuse us on. If I tell you what he makes issues on you won't believe me. From nothing he will find a way to abuse us. The other day he attacked my sister and was going to hit her with the coffee pot and she did not do anything, she was just helping my mum do something on the phone, and he just go involved and saying my sister can't do anything and she does not understand anything, and she did not do anything to him. She was shaking so bad and was about to faint, and he just accused her of being a lair and pretending that she was shaking and fainting. This just one example, that is nothing compared to other stuff. If we tell someone to speak to him, he becomes even more abusive. He always abuses us, especially, since us and our mum have nowhere to go. What is the solution? I really hate living because of him, I even see nightmares of him abusing us. What is the solution?

Answer

Orsolya Ilham O.
12 November, 2023

In this counseling answer:

  • Oppressing the weaker is strongly condemned in Islam, so one has to reflect deeply about his / her own faith and connection with Allah as a believer if he or she constantly abuses his / her spouse or children.
  • Your father’s violent behavior and inability to control his anger are not your fault. Please, do not hate yourself for that!
  • Look around locally to receive this assessment and possible solutions.
  • If you do not receive enough kindness from your father, think about Allah, who is the Most Loving and Most Merciful, and whose kindness is the greatest. Turn to Him and know that He loves you and is there for you:

Salam alaikom dear sister,

I am really sorry to hear about your struggle because of your father’s behavior and abuse.

I hope my answer serves at least as an orientation in this difficult situation, because I think there is quite a lot to tackle on a personal and familiar level, which necessitates multiple levels of professional support and guidance.

Your Father

First, it seems that your father has some serious issues he should address.

I am not sure whether he was always like this—hot-tempered and unable to control his anger—or whether something has happened that worked as a trigger.

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A wide range of issues, for example, from work to economics to a recent loss or undiagnosed or untreated mental disorders, can cause intense distress and an inability to control one’s rage and behavior.

So, it would be good to explore the reasons behind his behavior and his willingness to admit that it is unacceptable.

Domestic Violence Is Sinful

I am saying this because, obviously, domestic violence is a sin.

Oppressing the weaker is strongly condemned in Islam, so one has to reflect deeply about his own faith and connection with Allah as a believer if he or she constantly abuses his spouse or children.

And if someone realizes his wrongdoing, feels guilty, sincerely repents, and asks forgiveness from Allah and his loved ones, he still needs to work very hard on changing his behavior, learning to control his anger, communicating effectively, gaining back the trust of his loved ones, and so forth.

This needs longer-term professional help, at least at the beginning, in the form of individual and/or family counseling.

When he improves at an individual level, then together you can work on adjusting and improving the family dynamics and heal the wounds together.

Your Well-Being Matters

But if, for some reason, there is no opportunity to improve together or until it starts happening, you need to focus on your well-being and safety and on how you can feel better and more supported in this situation, along with your siblings and mother.

Do Not Tolerate

The first thing to know is that physical and emotional abuse should not be tolerated, neither as a wife nor as a daughter. If you are hurt, or witness the hurt of your family members, you need to look for help to prevent something tragical event to happen in the future.

A husband has no right to use violence—either physical or verbal—against his family. So, you, your siblings, and your mother need to be very strong and determined in looking for solutions. Check out this video.

I cannot evaluate your particular case here, unfortunately. But your situation needs a more in-depth assessment in order to be able to receive the right help.

You were brave enough, masallah, to write to us. Now I encourage you to look around locally to receive this assessment and possible solutions.

If you think that your family or community cannot offer meaningful solutions, you may call a local domestic violence or women’s support organization and explain your case so that they can instruct you on where, how, and what to do.

Support Each Other

Sister, alhamdulillah, you are there for each other, along with your siblings and your mother.

Support each other and share your struggles. Try to help your mother decide and ask for help until it is too late.

Be comforting to each other with love and care; it can give you a lot of strength and hope in moments of distress, in sha Allah.

Love Yourself

Sister, your father’s violent behavior and inability to control his anger are not your fault. Please, do not hate yourself for that! Love yourself and believe that you are worthy of love, mercy, and kindness.

If you do not receive enough kindness from your father, think about Allah, who is the Most Loving and Most Merciful, and whose kindness is the greatest. Turn to Him and know that He loves you and is there for you:

“…Allah loves those who are mindful ˹of Him.˺ (Quran 3:76)

May He comfort you when you are feeling distressed. Also, know that He hears your dua:

“Beware of the supplication of the oppressed, for there is no barrier between it and Allah.” Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī 4090

Turn to Him and ask for His guidance. Make a dua to bring your situation to an end. At the same time, take action and do not wait without trying to seek help.

Make the First Step

You say that you have nowhere to go. Sister, I believe that once you put your full trust in Allah and seek solutions in times of calamity, Allah will provide help from unexpected places.

You just need to take the first step.

Imagine that you are walking on a road, but you are afraid to proceed further because you do not see the end because of the sharp turn in front of you.

If you get stuck there, you won’t arrive, but if you decide to move further, the end of the road will become more and more visible, and finally you can make your way.

With this being said, I encourage you to see together what opportunities are there to make the first step toward changing the situation and seek our help.

Here are some sources from our site you might find beneficial:

Counseling articles: this, this, this or this.

I pray Allah to ease your struggle.Please keep us updated.

More from Orsolya Ilham O.:

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Orsolya Ilham O.
Orsolya Ilham has a BA in Communication and Manager in Public Relations, MA, BSC in Psychology. She studied Islamic sciences and obtained certificates in Islamic counseling, Islamic marriage counseling, and in the jurisprudence (fiqh) of counseling and psychology. Previously she worked in a client-centered atmosphere; currently, as a translator, counselor, and content creator related to Islam, counseling, and psychology.