I have many siblings I am the eldest.
My mother hit me and verbally and abused me for the mistakes any of my siblings did when I was less than 10 years old too by saying I am elder so they are my responsibility. Later she said me to sacrifice my life for everyone in the family. She to her peers and neighbours around has said negative things about me.
She cursed me for been bad child. Wallahi I try my best to avoid talking to her as everytime it becomes an argument where I am the bad one. I feel manipulated.
She pets animals with whom I am seriously allergic. I have developed asthma and every time I say of allergy, or that I am not able to take or I cry in front of Allah.
They say I seek attention and that I am sobby, I cry over little things, I am not brave etc demean things.
To others they have said I sleep all the day I don’t work, I am always sick.
In reality whenever I sleep they don’t let me sleep and I also do not get to eat.
But I want to ask how to deal with these things so that Allah doesn’t gets displeased with me. Can I not talk to my mother and anyone who demeans me and then later come to me asking for help. I do help but no one cares for my well being.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- Find a way to take a break from such a toxic environment. This will allow to think more rationally without being in the immediate space of sadness and perhaps even anger. This will also give your family the space to reflect in your absence too.
- Pray for the best outcome, but also plan for what you might do if it doesn’t work out.
- Take care of your own psychological wellbeing.
Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,
I am sorry to read that you are living in such a distressing situation with your family.
This kind of situation is particularly dangerous when those who are delivering the blows, both verbally and physically, are those that you live with and are closest to you.
One would expect parents and siblings to be a source of support and comfort, yet when they do not provide this, it understandably leads the victim to feel the way that you do.
Abuse Is Not Acceptable
While you are certainly obliged to respect your parents and obey them, this does not mean that they can abuse you, physically or mentally. This is unacceptable and not OK.
Of course, if this were coming from anyone else, such as friends, colleagues, or extended family, it would be easier to tell you to walk away, but they are close family members, so it becomes a whole lot more complex in this case.
As I said, abuse is never okay, so I wouldn’t want to encourage you to remain in such a toxic environment, but at the same time, it is important to uphold family ties.
Take a Break
As a way to satisfy both getting a break from the toxicity and maintaining familial ties, I would suggest finding a way to take a break from them.
If you have friends or extended family that you could stay with for a short while, this would be ideal. This would provide you with the opportunity to take a break from the consistent negativity.
It would give you space to clear your mind and think more realistically about how you might approach this situation moving forward in a way that is more healthy for you.
Reflecting on this while outside of the family home will allow you to think more rationally without being in the immediate space of sadness and perhaps even anger towards your family.
However, before you do this, you might just want to enjoy the space and freedom from them first to clear your head before you do the serious contemplating.
If you feel comfortable with the person you stay with or anyone else, then you might seek their confidential support to have that ongoing support you can turn to however you choose to move forward.
This whole experience of being away from them for a period of time will not only give you a break but will also give your family the space to reflect in your absence too.
Perhaps they don’t realize the extent to which things have gotten between you, and your absence will help them to realize that.
If you choose to return, perhaps your absence alone will have softened their hearts, and the dynamics will change for the better. That, and perhaps after careful thought and reflection, you will be better equipped to approach them.
Often, just taking space like this can work wonders in solving family difficulties.
However, this isn’t always the case. Sometimes things don’t work out, and others may work out for a time before slipping back to old ways.
Pray for the best outcome, but also plan for what you might do if it doesn’t work out. Is there someone you could turn to on a more long-term basis if the abuse returns?
Regardless of whether things work out with your family or whether you are thinking of finding somewhere else to stay, it is important that you take care of your own psychological wellbeing.
This will also have the secondary impact of making it easier to manage the outcome of difficulties with your family.
Remain close to Allah
Firstly, and most importantly, you can achieve this by remaining close to Allah. Make dua about the situation and ask for His protection and guidance, as well as that He soften the hearts of your family members who are being so unkind to you at this time.
Continue to do so every day. Have faith that He will see you out of this successfully.
Take care of your physical health by eating well, exercising, and getting sufficient sleep. This will also help boost your psychological wellbeing.
Do something that gives you a sense of accomplishment. This might be through learning something new or developing existing skills.
If it is possible to do this as part of a group, even better, as it will place you in a situation where you will be able to forge new friendships based on a shared goal.
These things will help boost your self-esteem and give you the confidence to deal with your current difficulties more confidently.
May Allah soften the hearts of your family and bring you all resolution so that you can live peacefully and lovingly with one another.
May He protect and guide you to a life of happiness and success in this world and the next in a way that He is pleased with.
Read more:
- Divorced New Muslim: Feeling Lonely in a Non-Muslim Land
- My Husband Says I’m Lazy, Not Sick; What To Do?
- How to Deal with My Narcissistic Mother?
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DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.