Answer
In this counseling article:
- What happened between your parents before you were born is neither something you are responsible for nor something you should or could deal with.
- Try to see him according to what you experience now and the way he treats you and your mother now.
- Regarding marriage, if you want to prevent major conflicts prepare and equip yourself with good manners and the love of Allah, learn how to be kind and respectful, and choose someone who also has these skills.
Salam alaikom dear sister,
Thank you for writing to us.
You haven’t witnessed the abuse of your mother yet; she disclosed some details about it, and now this is causing you to have mixed emotions towards your father. You love him, but you are afraid that this will negatively affect how you view men or marriage.
I am sorry to hear that, sister. Well, this is a bit complicated because, basically, we do not know for sure what happened so we are talking about a possible, past abuse without evidence in the present, and both the victim and the abuser are your closest loved ones, your mother and your father.
Of course, it can cause you confusion about whether to believe or not what those who you most trust say, or whether to believe something that you have not witnessed since then.
What she related sounds abusive and not right at all, and it is understandable that you feel angry and frustrated when you imagine your mother suffering.
We Do Not Know for Sure
But at this point, you do not know for sure what really happened, and only Allah knows what the intention of your mother was when she shared with you these details that do not really belong to you.
You are still a young teenager, and years ago, when she related this, you were even younger. So, I am not really sure what the purpose of this disclosure was, as what happened between your parents before you were born is neither something you are responsible for nor something you should or could deal with.
And while you do not think that he did it, it affects your love for him.
Sister, I am not saying that abuse and domestic violence are acceptable or okay, even if they happened in the past. So, if you witness abuse and violence towards your mother, you need to ask for help.
How Your Father Is Now
Again, only Allah knows what is in the heart of your father, too. But try to see him according to what you experience now and the way he treats you and your mother now.
You do not know for sure what happened, and according to what you say, it happened more than 15 years ago.
And during this time, a person who committed something wrong could have realized his mistakes, repented, sought forgiveness, and changed for the better.
And this is what counts, sister: what happens in the present moment, as we all commit sins and wrong ourselves or others. The important thing is the realization of our mistake and true repentance, which is followed by leaving wrong habits or behaviors behind.
So, whether your father committed something or not in the past, if he is in the present and treats your mother well, that is what counts.
And this applies not only to your parents but to marriage in general. People do have conflict in marriage, but the important thing is to have the right skills to deal with it with taqwa and respect for each other.
Not Directly Related to You
When you think about marriage, you have to have realistic expectations and know that you will certainly differ in things and that you may make mistakes.
But if you want to prevent major conflicts prepare and equip yourself with good manners and the love of Allah, learn how to be kind and respectful, and choose someone who also has these skills, and it will be alright, in sha Allah.
So, I kindly advise you not to think too much about this, especially since it is a doubtful and past matter and not directly related to you.
Try to focus on the present and your good relationship with your parents. Be loving and caring with them, and treat them well.
May Allah grant you a loving and peaceful home and family life, ameen.
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