I'm half Asian and half Egyptian. My parents were separated when I turned 7. Me and my mom moved back to her home country. And had very limited communication with my father.
My mom supported me in everything, She did everything in order to provide and give me what I needed. She didn’t think of marrying again as she was so focused on me.At the age of 22, I got a job in the Middle East. And yes, it is really hard to move, as I do not have any siblings who can look after my mom. She was my best friend and my life. All I want is to offer her the best in life.
At the age of 26, I met a Muslim man who told me that he would like to marry me and be the mother of his children. Unfortunately we became boyfriend and girlfriend (May Allah forgive us). I was so attached to him in a way that sometimes I forget the reason for me coming to this country.
A while later I became curious about Islam. The way men protect their mother and sisters. As well as my co-workers who are so kind and gentle. The way how logical they are whenever we have a small debate about religions. I was so amazed. So I started to watch YouTube videos and I came across some really amazing Islamic Scholars. All the questions I had were answered logically and explained really well.
I decided to go to Islamic school for 7 months to learn more which still continues till today. I took my shahada, Alhamdulillah. I informed my mom about it and she was so happy for me. (P.S – I didn’t convert just because I wanted to get married).
The sad part is that, I am still with this man who told me that he would marry me 5 years ago. I really feel so ashamed that I still need to be in this haram relationship even after converting to Islam. This makes my heart really sad.
A year later I broke up with him because this is not what I wanted. I wasn’t happy anymore and all I wanted is to get married and be in a halal relationship. Apparently after 4 months, he came back. We discussed things and once again he said “ I might propose to you on your Birthday if things work well” He meant to say, if he is settled enough to provide. Unfortunately things didn’t work well. He still didn’t get a job from the time I met him till today. He also never introduced me to his family.
I proposed to him and asked him to marry me, but he refused it. He did explain his part and I tried to understand but I couldn’t. (He is not settled yet and couldn’t provide anything). But my point is to make our relationship halal and we both can work things out together. We stopped communicating.
I’m 31 years old now. Confused whether I should wait for him or not. Because I really feel so ashamed to engage in a haram relationship once again. And If I waited, I’m not sure how old I would be by that time?
Answer
In this counseling session:
- Consider the idea that money is not a prerequisite for marriage and can be decided between two people.
- Look to the examples of the Prophet and sahaba for proof that money is not a requirement.
- Ponder over why he has not introduced you to the family for years, seriously think on this long and hard.
- Pray istikhara.
- Lean on your faith.
- Speak with your Mother and trusted friends/family.
- Identify positive coping skills.
- If you decide to stay with him, give him a definitive time frame that is short and does not bend.
Assalamu alaikum wahrahmatuulahi wabarakatu.
Thank you for trusting us with your concerns. It is my understanding you have been dating a man for many years who keeps dodging the concept of marrying you based upon him stating he can’t provide financially and he also mentioned his Mother may not approve.
I also understand you took shahada and have attending Islamic classes to further your knowledge of deen, alhamdulillah. You asked at the end, “should I wait for him”. Only you can truly make this decision Sister, but let’s break this down further as to why or why not so your decision can be easier on your heart.
Marriage and Money
I understand he finds it difficult to obtain good employment and provide. You mention he has used this as a reason for not marrying and he is an immigrant making it more difficult for him. Sister, please be aware mahr (a marriage dowry) is your right within Islam and it is your right for him to help provide, however, this should not prevent two people from marrying if both have an understanding of the financial situation.
If you are in agreement and understand he cannot provide such things right now and accept this, then such is sufficient. Let me tell you a story from the time of the Prophet Mohamed (peace be upon him) and the sahaba. Upon a possible marriage a man did not have mahr to present for the potential wife, various narrations exist but they all point to this idea that the Prophet (saws) married them upon what they knew from Quran and made a statement about even if mahr is just an iron ring, this will suffice.
“Narrated Sahl bin Sa`d:
The Prophet (ﷺ) said to a man, “Marry, even with (a Mahr equal to) an iron ring.”
[Bukhari]
These things are your rights within Islam, but the point is that you also have a right to say I accept you cannot provide me a large mahr and pay all the bills by yourself right now. Many marriages begin in a period of financial struggle and they work together to build up their lives.
Even if you look at the marriage of Khadijah to Prophet Mohamed (saws), she was a WEALTHY businesswoman who had money and business connections far beyond his to the extent she hired him and was his boss initially. She also proposed marriage to him. Here we can see that money is not the crux of it all. Financial agreements are unique for each marriage and must be decided on between the two people who decide to build a family together.
Check out this counseling video:
Family and Marriage
Sister, a marriage is between the husband and wife, not the family and wife, BUT it is a large red flag that after so many years you have never met any of his family. Sister, this is not normal whether a Muslim relationship or not. To be together for this many years, but kept secret and his family unaware he has a relationship is dangerous and tells me something.
It tells me that he is hiding you and knew long ago he had no intention to marry you. If my words are wrong, astaghfirullah I am only human and a counselor, but Sister, think about this. Please sit back and truly ponder this question. If this man intended to marry you one day, wouldn’t he want to introduce you to his family?
I am not doubting he has feelings for you, but for a man to hide you for so many years from his family shows he either has a deeply toxic and dangerous family OR he never intended to marry you and is stringing you along until he finds someone to marry.
Stay or Go
It is your decision if you wait for him or leave, but my advice is as follows. If you still want to marry this man, I would make it clear to him that he has to introduce you to the family within X amount of time (set a time limit such as 2 weeks) and he has to make the engagement known and formal within X amount of time (again a short time frame of 2 weeks for example).
I would make it clear you will not accept anything less than this because you have already waited for years and YOU DESERVE BETTER than he is giving you. If he refuses then thank him for the life lesson on relationships and move on.
If you decide you are not going to deal with him any further and do not want to give him this time frame, then it is time to start healing Sister. You mentioned communication stopped a few months ago anyways as he refused your proposal. If this has not changed since then and you find more peace is coming to you lately, that is your answer Sister.
Please consider praying for guidance, pray istikhara. If you need help understanding this prayer, visit this link on reading istikhara.
Healing in Faith
Sister, if this marriage does not happen, which I expect to be the outcome in all honesty; it is time to heal. To begin with, do not blame yourself or hold onto guilt. What happened in the past is the past, now is the time to move forward and seek a happier life with a man that will be EXCITED and EAGER to marry you.
Inshallah you will have this. I know you mentioned guilt over the relationship, Sister, please seek solace in the love and mercy of Allah (most honored and revered) who knows your heart better than anyone.
Contemplate over the name Al-Wadud, one of the 99 names. It means The Most Loving, The Most Affectionate, The Beloved, The Loving-Kindness. Allah (swt) knows you desire to be loved, to have a halal and happy marriage with goodness and inshallah to grow in your faith. Take comfort in this verse.
“And He is the Forgiving, the Affectionate-Loving”
[Quran 85:14]
The most long-lasting and trusted source of love is the love we share with our creator. Your prayer mat/space is where you can let go of all that weighs down your heart and seek shelter in the comfort and embrace of Allah (swt). The prayer mat is the best love story ever told Sister.
Social Support
Reach out to your Mother and talk to her about the situation. She can help you understand the difficulties of relationships and inshallah provide guidance and comfort for your situation. She wants you to be happy and to be in a relationship that is healing and loving, not one that hurts you.
If you have trusted friends nearby you can reach out to them for help and venting. It is likely they will tell you to stop waiting on such a man.
Coping Skills
While you are healing and working through these emotions, you will find that some moments may feel more emotion than others. Coping skills help us reign in our emotions so they do not take us over and lead to negative actions. Try to identify coping skills you can utilize during difficult moments. Here are a few examples.
Reading
Petting animals
Dancing/listening to music
Art projects
Gardening
Cooking favorite meals
Reciting Quran
Dhikr
Nature walks
Hot baths
Final Thoughts
Dear Sister, here is a summary of your next steps moving forward during this difficult decision. Consider the idea that money is not a prerequisite for marriage and can be decided between two people. Look to the examples of the Prophet and sahaba for proof that money is not a requirement.
Ponder over why he has not introduced you to the family for years, seriously think on this long and hard. Pray istikhara. Lean on your faith. Speak with your Mother and trusted friends/family. Identify positive coping skills. If you decide to stay with him, give him a definitive time frame that is short and does not bend.
May Allah (swt) make this decision easy for you and guide your next steps, ameen.
Salam,
***
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.