Q Assalamu alaikum,

I am 25 years old, and for most of my life I have experienced a lot of social anxiety and low self-esteem, which made it quite hard for me make friends and be a good friend. I also think I am disadvantaged in life because I am a little mentally slow.

I make stupid decisions and say awkward things. However, alhamdulillah, I’ve been blessed by a well-respected, good family, and I feel like that has been my source of respect and dignity in life.

Because of my disadvantage, I’ve always felt the need to feel accepted and make my dad proud. So, at 24 years old, I met a man, who is now my husband. He is a man of good character and is honest.

However, he is less financially well-off than I am, which was a bit of a concern for me. I think at that point, due to my self-esteem, I still pursued him as an option because I was hoping that getting married would make my dad proud and happy.

When I prayed istikhara at the beginning, everything seemed okay, up until we got engaged. I started having reservations when I realized he would not be able to offer me the same standard of life I was accustomed to. I still didn’t feel it was right for me to break off an engagement and break someone’s heart just for to financial reasons.

It didn’t seem fair of me, since Allah SWT can bless anyone. So, even with my reservations, we proceeded with the wedding. However, I am now having a tough time in the marriage. Our families are completely different in terms of social norms, so even the wedding celebrations were completely different.

The house we live in is a good place, but due to congestion, the garbage is near our door and the sewage tank stinks. I have brought it up to him so many times, but he says he’s saving up and we cannot afford to move.

At the moment, I feel so disconnected from my previous life. I feel embarrassed to invite my friends and family to my home, since what I hate most is pity. I have distanced myself from my family and I can’t even connect with my husband’s family since our characters are so different.

I am currently using contraception to avoid having kids in this mess. I feel like I have lost my dignity since I am already mentally disadvantaged and have now come down in status in this life. It’s hard not to being able to connect with my family.

I don’t want to be a divorcee at my age since it will only make me even less worthy in this life. I feel like if it wasn’t for this marriage, maybe life would have been better for me.

I hope this is Allah’s test and I hope He loves me because I really want to be a good servant of His. I have looked the around for relatable solutions but all in vain. Kindly advise me. Thank you.