19 January, 2024
Q
Assalamualaikum,
I am a 30-year-old working woman. Me and my husband have been married for around 7 years and have a 5-year-old son between us. My problem is that my husband is constantly demanding sex. I face too much pressure every day at my office and physical work at home. My husband takes no responsibility for any work at home other than financially.
Even though I work, I don’t have the power to spend as I please. Despite that, I don’t worry too much about it because I work for my passion rather than for money. He has no tolerance or flexibility when it comes to spending money on the household, whether it be for leisure or otherwise. And even despite that, I can tolerate those as well.
My only problem is that every day, whenever he calls me for sex, I should be accepting. If I refuse, he uses awful language against me and even threatens me that he will resolve to going to prostitutes or that he will take a second wife. He is also paranoid that the reason I refuse is because I am seeing another guy. He also often engages in disturbing sexual activities and uses them against me, like watching adult videos or simulation or masturbation.
Such things really hurt me, especially what he says to me. Once I cry, I cannot stop, which made him hit me before because of it. Even if I am crying, he will have sex with me. This issue didn’t halt when I had to deliver. He would demand around 6 times a week, which I cannot keep up with. Sometimes I agree during the times when I am not in the mood and sometimes not, which leads to a fight.
He doesn’t even let me sleep. He will wake me up at 2 or 3 in the morning if he feels like it. I was a very disciplined and pious girl before marriage. I don’t know what mistake I made to deserve this. I feel my piety slowly slipping away. He always blames me for everything and doesn’t pray regularly.
His mood seems to stabilize after sex, and he becomes apologetic. He knows that he is wronging me. I have gone to a psychologist twice, but he doesn’t agree to come with me because he doesn’t want to spend his money on counselling. He says that he will slowly change, yet why am I still suffering like this. He never changes.
He has quite a rough background and he doesn’t have any friends who last with him. He always tends to act so respectfully in front of people. He is disliked in his family even if he provides them money and he knows that I am the only person who can bear to live with him. Yet, he always tries to threaten me in some way or another.
He never considers my health over his desires and will often use Islamic laws as an excuse or to hold it against me like telling me I will go to hell if I refuse him. I voluntarily accept sometimes but over that if I still accept my health doesn’t permit it. I feel like I will go crazy because of him to the point of feeling suicidal as revenge against him. I know it is not correct. I want to live with him only in my life.
Please guide and help me. Thank you,
I am a 30-year-old working woman. Me and my husband have been married for around 7 years and have a 5-year-old son between us. My problem is that my husband is constantly demanding sex. I face too much pressure every day at my office and physical work at home. My husband takes no responsibility for any work at home other than financially.
Even though I work, I don’t have the power to spend as I please. Despite that, I don’t worry too much about it because I work for my passion rather than for money. He has no tolerance or flexibility when it comes to spending money on the household, whether it be for leisure or otherwise. And even despite that, I can tolerate those as well.
My only problem is that every day, whenever he calls me for sex, I should be accepting. If I refuse, he uses awful language against me and even threatens me that he will resolve to going to prostitutes or that he will take a second wife. He is also paranoid that the reason I refuse is because I am seeing another guy. He also often engages in disturbing sexual activities and uses them against me, like watching adult videos or simulation or masturbation.
Such things really hurt me, especially what he says to me. Once I cry, I cannot stop, which made him hit me before because of it. Even if I am crying, he will have sex with me. This issue didn’t halt when I had to deliver. He would demand around 6 times a week, which I cannot keep up with. Sometimes I agree during the times when I am not in the mood and sometimes not, which leads to a fight.
He doesn’t even let me sleep. He will wake me up at 2 or 3 in the morning if he feels like it. I was a very disciplined and pious girl before marriage. I don’t know what mistake I made to deserve this. I feel my piety slowly slipping away. He always blames me for everything and doesn’t pray regularly.
His mood seems to stabilize after sex, and he becomes apologetic. He knows that he is wronging me. I have gone to a psychologist twice, but he doesn’t agree to come with me because he doesn’t want to spend his money on counselling. He says that he will slowly change, yet why am I still suffering like this. He never changes.
He has quite a rough background and he doesn’t have any friends who last with him. He always tends to act so respectfully in front of people. He is disliked in his family even if he provides them money and he knows that I am the only person who can bear to live with him. Yet, he always tries to threaten me in some way or another.
He never considers my health over his desires and will often use Islamic laws as an excuse or to hold it against me like telling me I will go to hell if I refuse him. I voluntarily accept sometimes but over that if I still accept my health doesn’t permit it. I feel like I will go crazy because of him to the point of feeling suicidal as revenge against him. I know it is not correct. I want to live with him only in my life.
Please guide and help me. Thank you,
Answer
Salam Aleikom,
In this counseling video, you will learn:
• Have a serious conversation with your husband on sex and intimacy.
• Express your feelings and tell him that the way he treats you hurts you and that you are no longer accepting this kind of emotional threats.
• Emotional threat to have sex is not acceptable.
• Sexual intercourse is not only a biological process; it’s a way to connect emotionally with your spouse.
• How to create a safe, intimate place for each other.