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I Did My Best, Yet My Husband Divorced Me

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Jun 16, 2019

Question

My husband and I have been having marital problems for a few years. Throughout our marriage, he has been a good man, and I have come to understand more of his character flaws as being human.

From my current point of view, he would always complain about anything that bothered him while I held things in out of patience and because I did not believe it was a big matter to hassle him about it. I now feel we both were too extreme and needed to have met in the middle.

He is an understanding man with a very logical personality, while I am a little more emotional and ad hoc with affection that is more expressive. I have always valued his opinion, and the people around him do too. But I have come to see that being treated as such a person by the people close to him as elevated his sense of 'rightness'. Once I had hurt him, he held his resentment close to him and was unable to let it go, even when he said he had. Every time he would ask to talk, my heart would sink because it was going to be a negative discussion about what was going wrong. Just to be clear, neither of us committed a big sin against the other in a marriage. Rather, it's been communication issues or neglected behavior or broken promises. But this has all taken its toll.

I have been trying harder these past few months to be the type of wife that he had discussed that I should be (he saw my role as looking after the home). I have paid more attention to his common complaints such as making new recipes and being more thoughtful towards the things that I do to keep the house managed. I took everything I could on board and would not ask him for help if I could do it by myself. I would even walk to get the groceries so that he did not have to do it when he was coming back from work, and so that I would save money on taxis.

It has been difficult because for a few years he has not been treating me as he used to, and he has also been neglecting me. He has had all the advantages of a wife, and I have never refused him. I carried on with a smile on my face, and where before I was hurting and letting that hurt affect my behavior negatively or leading my mind to a state of depression. Now I had more faith and despite the ways he hurt me I would not allow myself to think less of him.

However, he has not been honest with me or clear, even though he says he has been. A few months ago he told me he was unhappy in the marriage and wanted to separate. We were still in a husband/wife relationship, sharing the same household. Then two weeks later we traveled, he dropped me at family's and then a few days later he told me we were going to probably get a divorce. He talked about the mistakes we had made, but I am upset with him because he never talked about this with me in person, to my face. He then told me not to come back. And the person that he has been trying to be since he was young is not the type of person to act in this callous way that he has treated me.

He recently divorced me on the phone. Morally and Islamically he has not followed the right way of doing things and he has hurt me badly, but I'm also hurt for us as a couple because he is better than the way he has behaved. He apologized to me for the way he treated me, but he only did so after I told him the things he had been doing. My purpose for telling him was not to point fingers, but because I was trying to tell him everything I had kept to myself and how that had led to depression.

I'm now at a loss as to how I pick myself up. If he came back tomorrow or a year from now and wanted me back, I would not think twice. Because of love, I hold for him and not because of divorce stigma. Please help!

Counselor

Answer


I Did My Best, Yet My Husband Divorced Me

Salam Aleikom,

In this counseling video, you will learn:

• If your husband said he would divorce you, there is still time Islamically for reconciliation.

• Involve any individual your husband looks up to, a third party that could help you have an honest talk about how reconciliation could take place.

• Maybe you two are just not suitable for each other. It does NOT mean that you or your husband are horrible persons! Do not blame yourself!

• Write down 10 things that YOU brought into the relationship that you know was great.

• Find 10 things that you really wished he would do better.

• It is important that you have healthy self-esteem and you know your value.

• Everyone has problems in marriage; do not blame yourself.

Watch more:

 




About Megan Wyatt

Megan Wyatt is the founder of Wives of Jannah (http://wivesofjannah.com/) where she offers training programs, live workshops, and relationship coaching for wives and couples. She is a certified Strategic Intervention coach with specialized certifications for working with women and marital relationships and has been coaching and mentoring Muslims globally since 2008. She shares her passion for Islamic personal development in her Passionate Imperfectionist community (https://www.facebook.com/CoachMeganWyatt/). She is a wife and homeschooling mother with four children residing in Southern California.

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