Ads by Muslim Ad Network

Torn Between Brother & My Family: I Can’t Decide

23 January, 2023
Q I was living in capital and due to anti social reasons, I decided to move to another city with my brother. I moved with my whole family, my wife and kids. I decided to buy house together and live with my brother. Who is about to get married. After my move, I realised in the unhappiest possible. City is cold and always raining. I was house bound with my kids. Could not leave the house. However in capital, I was playing in the park with kids. I was depressed. I decided to move back. Moving back meant I was financially worst off but I had means to make it work. My brother totally apposed the idea and called me selfish. He relied on me for different reasons. I was more than happy to help him with my heart and soul but I just refused to be depressed. There were friends who offered helping hand in the capital for me to re settle but my brother is not happy. At once, I gave up the idea of moving back and simply do what my brother said, but my depression didn't improve. My brother suggested that I'm always unhappy anyway , moving back will be another excuse to remain unhappy and said I need counseling. I'm having serious episodes of fear and anxiety and I feel that I may be abandoning my brother. At the same time, I simply did not like this city, environment, weather etc. Some friends suggest what when his wife moves in, he will have kids, what about those challenges living together? But that isn't even my concern, I can manage, that will be my brother and his family. They are my family. But I just don't like living here. I want to go back , where it's less rain, all my friends and I lived there for 20 years. I might be able to buy my own here and will end up renting in the capital, but I didn't enjoy a single day here. On the other hand, I feel I'm abandoning my brother. I feel stuck.


As salamu alaykum brother

Thank you for writing to our page. As I understand your situation, you were living in the capital and then you, your wife, and children moved to another city with your brother.

You and your brother bought a house together and he is about to get married.

After a time, you realize you were unhappy in your new place of living, and you wanted to move back to the capital where there was less rain and more family things to do such as going to the park.

Your brother instantly opposed to the idea and attacked you, calling you selfish.

Ads by Muslim Ad Network

Making Choices

Brother it appears that you made a move that you thought was beneficial.

However, once you started living there, you realized that it was not conducive, neither for you, nor for your family.

Once you realize that the city was cold, always raining, and that you were housebound with your children, you decided to make a positive move for yourself and your family back to the capital because it was making you depressed and you started to experience anxiety.

I understand that you love your brother very much and you are trying to help him as well.

You did agree to try living in a different place however that did not work out for you.

While your brother may love the area and the home, it does not work for you and it has made you unhappy.

It may be that it is his choice to stay there and it is your choice to leave.

We all have choices. It is important to remember that our life choices should be conscious decisions which are made to improve the quality of our Lives. Each of us is responsible for our own decisions.

Responsibility for brother

Brother, you are responsible for yourself and your family, meaning your wife and children.

You are also responsible to a certain degree to help your siblings when they are in need, if you are able.

As you know, parents are our responsibility to a greater degree. Just because your brother chooses to stay there does not mean you have to. You have a choice to move.

He also has a choice to move but he has chosen to stay there. That does not mean you have to stay there. You are not obligated.

Maintaining Well Being

While it is nice to help family in this way, at the end of the day you have to look at your own mental, emotional, spiritual, and financial state of health.

Apparently, this is not a place that is conducive for you and is causing you to sink into depression and anxiety.

As you are the head of your household, it is imperative that you do things that are conducive to your state of well-being. Your wife and your children depend on you.

Feelings of Abandoning Brother

If you make a decision to move back to the capital where things are better for your mental health, it is not that you are abandoning your brother, it is that you are making moves to improve the quality of your life, thus improving the quality of your mental health.

Your brother is free to move back with you and he has chosen not to. That is not your fault nor your responsibility.

You are not abandoning him; you are making choices that will enable future success and happiness for your family insha’Allah.

Your Brother’s Life Will Go On

In the event that you do take positive steps to move back to the place where you feel was happier and more conducive to your life, your brother’s life will go on as well. As you stated, he is getting married.

He likes the area that he’s in and he likes the home. In all likelihood if you do leave, your brother will remain in the home with his new wife and his future children.

In sha Allah, this is what he wants and he will find a way to make it work.

Perhaps your brother needs to think about you in this situation.

Is he being selfish by wanting you and your family to stay in a place he knows is not conducive nor happy for you?

Decision to Stay may Affect Your family

On the other hand, if you stay there, it will be against your will, thus making you even more unhappy.

This in turn may affect your wife and children’s happiness.

And yes, as your brother’s life continues and he has children, that must also be taken into account regarding the size of the home, and each family needing their own space.

You talk about getting a home there for yourself as well as renting in the capital however that is a huge financial burden to keep up two homes and keep traveling back and forth.

Sooner or later, it may have an effect on your own family with your own children and wife missing you when you are away.

In sha Allah brother when you make a decision you will think about your family first as they deserve your first attention and thoughts in regards to any decisions you make.


Brother I kindly suggest that you think about what it is you really want to do, and do it.

It sounds like you were much happier in the capital even though you feel you were anti-social.

There seems to be much more happiness there in terms of things to do and lack of rain.

In sha Allah you will make decisions that are good for you, your wife and children.

Your brother may be upset should you choose to leave; however, your first priority is your family.

Your brother may initially be discontented with you but he will adjust in sha Allah and learn to live with his wife in happiness.

📚 Read Also: Seerah Of Prophet Muhammad – Conversions Of Omar & Hamza Plus Boycott


Brother in sha Allah since the capital seems to make you feel happier and there are more things to do for you and your family, you may decide to move back.

As a brother, a husband, and a Muslim, your brother will eventually understand the importance of a man taking care of his family and well-being.

In sha Allah he will eventually understand that yes, you love him and you are there for him but you have to do what is best for you and your family.

Lastly, I kindly suggest that if the depression, anxiety, and feeling anti-social continues -that you do seek out counseling in your area.

As you did state that you experienced feelings of being antisocial in the capital, it could be that you have antisocial anxiety disorder.

It is best to get assessed and initiate counseling as soon as possible so it does not get out of control if indeed this is what you have.

May Allah bless your path; we wish you the best!

About Aisha Mohammad
Aisha has a PhD in psychology, an MS in public health and a PsyD. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years at Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. She has worked with clients with mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, panic disorder, trauma, and OCD. She also facilitated support groups and provided specialized services for victims of domestic violence, HIV positive individuals, as well youth/teen issues. Aisha is certified in Mindfulness, Trauma Informed Care, Behavioral Management, Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and Confidentiality & Security. Aisha is also a Certified Life Coach, and Relationship Workshop facilitator. Aisha has a part-time Life Coaching practice in which she integrates the educational concepts of stress reduction, mindfulness, introspection, empowerment, self love and acceptance and spirituality to create a holistic healing journey for clients. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocates for prisoner rights/reentry, social & food justice, as well as advocating for an end to oppression & racism. In her spare time, Aisha enjoys her family, photography, nature, martial arts classes, Islamic studies, volunteering/charity work, as well as working on her book and spoken word projects.