Each of my parents complains to me, not that they have ever hidden the fighting from me. I still live with them due to economic constraints and personal reasons. I have no idea what to do with them anymore.
I do things around the house to try avoiding a fight triggering between them. I became an expert at telling what line of conversation begins to start tension between them and throw them off to avoid fights. But they go out on a drive every night and I used to join them to keep fights from happening, but I am tired. I want to be home and work on hobbies or any other thing. I'm tired of calling every 15 minutes to try stirring up happy topics or having to be around them to mitigate things. I don't know what to do and all Islam boards say the same advice (advise them to talk to a counselor or talk to them about how that makes you feel ect..) that advice has been useless.
That will never work, every time they fight each is depressed and silent and nothing I do makes a difference. I'm tired of sitting in the aftermath and feeling like I want to throw up from the tension. I can't move out.
I have a job but it barely pays and I can't just leave them. I worry about them despite that.
I never want to get married and have children. I'm terrified of ending like every other marriage in my family. I'm depressed enough as is. What can I do?
I can't ignore them, I can't keep walking on eggshells, I can't pick sides, and I can't move. I'm so so tired.
I feel like I developed anger issues because of all this and I hate myself for taking it out on people without intending to at times. I've started keeping a journal to vent whenever I am angry.
Answer
- This role can cause problems for you emotionally, and it can also unintentionally keep the cycle of conflict going. Managing their emotions and trying to fix their conflicts prevents your parents from taking responsibility for their own issues.
- Tension within families happen. Constant harmony is not realistic all the time, and expecting it may also create stress for you.
Assalamualaikum sister,
Thank you for your question. You explained that, in your family, you have taken on the role of the peacemaker or peacekeeper, especially because there are frequent fights between your parents and between other family members, particularly the women.
You try to maintain harmony and prevent things from getting worse, but this has become very exhausting for you. You said you would simply like to be at home peacefully, focusing on your work or your hobbies, but you cannot do that because the constant conflicts make you feel bad and overwhelmed. You no longer know what to do.
Being the Peacekeeper
Sister, first of all, I am truly sorry that you have to experience this in your home and within your family. This kind of environment has a deep impact on your sense of safety. In families sometimes, when there is a lot of chaos and conflict, a child or young person takes on the responsibility of being the peacemaker just to cope. What you are experiencing is not unique to you — this pattern is well-known in family systems.
It seems to me that you are trying to keep peace and avoid tension because, for you, peace and stability mean safety. But unfortunately, this role can cause problems for you emotionally, and it can also unintentionally keep the cycle of conflict going. When you manage their emotions and try to fix their conflicts, it prevents your parents from taking responsibility for their own issues.
Even when you try to maintain a “status quo” to avoid tension, it may actually keep the real issues from coming to the surface. So I gently invite you to reflect on whether trying to solve their problems is truly helpful — or whether it is only draining you while nothing changes.
Trying to manage other people’s emotions is exhausting, and most of the time it is not successful, simply because their conflicts are their responsibility.
Managing Others
Sister, you are not responsible for solving their problems. You do not have to fix their emotional struggles. And you do not have to carry the burden of their conflicts.
At the same time, you are allowed to say no to witnessing constant fights. You are allowed to say no to being involved in order to protect your emotional stability. For example, if they complain about the other, you can direct them back to each other for resolution. For example, you may say:
I am sorry that you had another fight and hurt each other. I hope you can resolve it between each other soon.
This is not ignoring them or picking on sides. You can still empathize with them, and feel sadness, disappointment, etc., for their inability to do it better, without putting on the weight of resolving their conflict on your shoulders.
You can let them deal with their own conflicts. Let them face the consequences of their own behaviour. It is okay to feel compassion for them and to feel sad that they cannot communicate kindly, but you can only control your own behaviour, responses, and boundaries.
Conflict and Harmony
Another point, sister: living in a tense home makes you naturally tired and sensitive to conflict. You may have developed a strong fear of tension, and that leads you to avoid conflict even in situations where it may not be necessary. But conflict is a normal part of life. Tension within families happen. Constant harmony is not realistic all the time, and expecting it may also create stress for you.
Try to understand that there may be many unresolved issues within them, and many things they are unable to manage or improve. This does not justify their behaviour, but recognising their limitations — while protecting yourself may help you cope better.
And remember, you are not them. Growing up with them does not mean that you will follow their footsteps. Indeed, many times the opposite happens.
What you can work on is your sense of safety. Ask yourself:
“What helps me feel safe ?” What else can I do to feel better, without trying to fix their issues?
Seek support. I know you have heard this before, but it is still important. The best would be family therapy to deal with the system itself and the roles within, but maybe your parents are not open to it.
If not in the form of therapy, but by connecting with people, activities, communities, or hobbies that help you regain the energy you lose at home. It is also a good idea to keep journaling if that makes you feel better.
May Allah make it easy for you,