I am married to a man, who has 2 adult children from his previous marriage and he had been divorced for 20 years.
Our marriage was never accepted by his children.
They are doing everything they can to break this marriage. My husband's ex wife is interfering. She wants him to divorce me and go back to her.
He is going to her place to see his daughter, and they are asking him to stay for the night. They have been friends after divorce and he thinks it is okay to still be her friend even though he has a wife now.
They communicate on a regular basis on life topics. They talk about each other's problems.
I don't know what to do because I love him, but I don't see this marriage being strong since
Please advise
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- What is in your control is your marriage and your relationship with your husband. You can focus on strengthening your marriage with him.
- It is okay to set limits for the sake of protecting your union, and to express that you feel uncomfortable in this setting.
Assalamualaikum sister,
Thank you for your question. You mentioned that you are married to a man who divorced 20 years ago and who has 2 adult children. You say that his children do not accept your marriage and try to interfere in it.
You also mentioned that his ex-wife is still in contact with him, and that they are on good terms. They sometimes ask him to stay over. They are still friends and talk about their problems. This makes you feel hurt and feel that your own marriage is not strong enough.
I am sorry to hear this, sister. I think any wife in your position would feel hurt and insecure by this situation.
You explained what the children do and what their intention is. You also explained that they are still friends with his ex-wife and they talk about their problems, and he finds this okay.
Boundaries with the ex-wife of your husband
That can signify an issue of boundaries. He needs to evaluate whether it’s beyond the necessary communication. Because once a marriage ends, the nature of the relationship changes, and ongoing emotional familiarity is not always appropriate. If that is the case, it would be good to ask what his reasons are for that.
These are understandably painful attitudes for you, but here is the thing: these actions and intentions are beyond your control.
What is in your control is your marriage and your relationship with your husband.
You did not explain much about your relationship with your husband. So the important question is: how are you doing with him? Do you have a good relationship together? Is there love and care between you? Is he there for you or not?
In a marriage it is okay to set limits for the sake of protecting and strengthening your union. It is okay to express that you feel uncomfortable in this setting. Wanting these limits does not make you demanding; it is a natural need for emotional security in a marriage.
If your husband loves you and is committed to this marriage, he must set clear boundaries now that he is married to you. Yes, his children have rights over him, but you too.
It is his responsibility to protect the peace of his current marriage. If he receives invitations from his children, he has to learn to navigate these requests while remaining fair and just to all of you.
So how can you help make this happen?
You can focus on strengthening your marriage with him. Create an atmosphere where he feels happy talking to you, sharing his life with you, and feeling emotionally connected to you. When this bond is strong, it becomes easier for him to naturally set boundaries with his ex-wife..
You can also talk about reevaluating these boundaries and set limits for the sake of your marriage. Here communication is key to avoid misunderstandings. You may talk to a counselor and create a plan on how to approach this situation.
I do not know whether you have a good relationship with his children or not. If possible, you can also try to build a calm and respectful relationship with them, as this may reduce tension over time. For example, you may invite them to meet at your home, not at their.
I hope this helps,