Alhumdulillah with my savings my husband built a house.
We struggled over the years until our son at 19yrs old requested to go back to the USA to work. My husband can't find a job that fits his standards here,...meanwhile there were lots of fights at home which pushed my son to leave. Now over a year my son has been financially supporting us all.
Unfortunately my husband believes that our son is doing nothing for us but I don't agree. Our son is very generous to us financially with food, utility bills and school fees for 5 kids,...it hurts me that my husband doesn't appreciate it.
Instead he dislikes that his son is not obedient, he said. I'm in the middle and I can't deny that on some occasions I cried to my son about how angry and mean his father was. I'm sorry I'll try not to do this again.
Our son is very disappointed because he thought supporting his father financially would improve.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- When we witness unfair treatment, it is normal to feel this way. You do not need to be ashamed of these emotions. They reflect your compassion and your sense of justice.
- Sometimes when a person cannot appreciate others’ efforts, it comes from an inner struggle—perhaps feelings of inadequacy, failure, or insecurity.
Assalamualaikum sister,
Thank you for your question. You explained that your son returned to the US for work, and is supporting the entire family back in Pakistan, yet his father—your husband—is not content. He criticizes your son, saying he is not obedient enough and not doing enough. This hurts you deeply because you can see that your son is trying and is doing his best. You feel angry with your husband for this behavior, but at the same time you feel guilty for feeling that anger.
You also mentioned that your husband is not working and was unable to find work yet, and that from your own savings you were able to move and build a house. And now you are seeking guidance on how to handle this situation.
Unfairness Hurts
Sister, I am very sorry that you are experiencing this. As a mother, it must be extremely painful to hear such criticism—especially when it feels unfair and unhelpful, and when you see your young son working hard abroad and still facing blame instead of appreciation.
I want to reassure you that your feelings—sadness, anger, disappointment, hurt—are completely natural. When we witness unfair treatment, it is normal to feel this way. You do not need to be ashamed of these emotions. They reflect your compassion and your sense of justice. Your husband’s lack of appreciation and harshness toward your son is not a “merciful” or supportive approach, and reacting emotionally to that is human.
I wonder if you have ever shared your feelings with your husband—not in a blaming way, but simply expressing that hearing this criticism hurts you. You could tell him that it pains you to see your son struggling and then receiving even more criticism from his father. Sometimes expressing our own feelings gently, without accusing or telling the other person what not to do, can create more openness and understanding.
His Own Struggles
At the same time, it may help to consider what might be happening within your husband. It is possible that his inability to find work, or struggles related to providing for the family, have affected his sense of worth as a man. There can be cultural norms influencing his attitude, or family history about the ways of expressing love for each other.
Sometimes when a person cannot appreciate others’ efforts, it comes from an inner struggle—perhaps feelings of inadequacy, failure, or insecurity. Instead of expressing gratitude or kindness, they express criticism. If this is the case, it says more about his own struggles than about your son or about you.
While this may explain his behavior, it does not justify it. Being a father does not give him the right to be hurtful.
But, only he can work on his own attitude, but you can gently encourage him toward self-reflection and change. You may acknowledge that he might be struggling internally, that he loves his son but finds it difficult to express it in a positive way, and that you are willing to support him in expressing appreciation and kindness more openly.
At the same time, his behavior is not your responsibility and not your shame. Try not to take his hurtful words to heart, but also remember that his behavior should not be excused entirely. Everyone is responsible for their own actions, especially when those actions cause pain to others.
Support Your Son
You can still support your son, express gratitude for all he is doing, and strengthen his self-esteem by acknowledging his efforts. When his inner confidence is strong, he will be better able to see his father’s reactions as reflections of his father’s struggles, not his own worth.
It may also help your son, in a respectful manner, to express to his father that certain words are hurtful. Sometimes people change when they become aware that their way of speaking is damaging and not constructive. While it is natural that he is trying to please his father and seek his approval, try to direct his intention towards making efforts for the sake of Allah SWT only.
May Allah make things easier for you, ameen.