It was last year when we decided to live together again. He used to have a job at that time. After 2/3 months, he left the job again and ask for money for house spending. Now I had to bear the rent, the food costs, all the bills, and everything else. And he doesn’t want to work. But the fact is, he doesn’t even feel gratitude for my contribution. He behaves like I do nothing for anyone or that it’s my responsibility to run the family and earn for them.
While the entire family depends on my income, I feel very uncertain about him. He doesn’t earn and it’s not like he can’t. He can, but he won’t. He just throws excuses. He needs time to develop new skills. He doesn’t like the current job. They pay little. There are so many excuses. Even if I buy a property or something, he finds a way to manipulate me to make it in his name. I know he doesn’t trust me either. But I love him, and I don’t want to get divorced and separate my child from their father.
My parents don’t like him either because he was very mean at the beginning, he wouldn’t give anyone anything, and would behave rudely as well. But he is not that rude now and I think he has changed. But yet, he is lazy and greedy. His parents are the same too. I don’t know.
Sometimes I don’t see any future with him. He keeps asking for money for everything. I don’t know how to deal with this situation. Please help with some suggestions.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- You need to understand that, Islamically, taking care of the home financially is the responsibility of the man, not the woman. The woman acts only as a helper to the man.
- You can support him in his search for a new job, as this will give him the motivation he is currently lacking.
- If this attitude of his continues, you might need to take more effective action in favour of yourself and your daughter.
Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,
I understand it must be incredibly frustrating for you to be providing everything in your household alongside a husband who doesn’t seem to have any motivation to help out and is seemingly happy to rely on you as the provider. The attitude of his parents clearly doesn’t help here. Islamically, this role is his, and the pressure should not be on you.
Certainly in todays world however, it is often necessary for the wife to work in order to provide enough income to support the household and incur the costs of running it. However, this should generally be more of a supplementary role, than the sole role of the woman, especially when you have a child to care for too.
At the same time, from an Islamic perspective, what you earn is yours to spend as you will, so if you don’t want to pay the rent, bills, etc., that is not your responsibility.
However, there is no problem with you spending on your family and baring the weight of the rent if you wish. This is even a form of charity. It is a big responsibility to bear, though, on top of other tasks around the house, and it must be very difficult to fulfil these roles on top of working too, especially if you don’t have to. There are a few ways that you could approach this situation.
Help Him in His Search For a Job
However, given that his excuse is that he needs to skill up, maybe you could suggest he gets a part-time role while he skills up, and you will be more than happy to support him with this even if it means he is not in the house a lot while he is training. If necessary, maybe you could even make the move to look up courses for him and help him apply.
If the reason is that he hasn’t made a move because he is not confident in himself (which could likely be the unspoken reason), then lending your support will give him the extra boost he needs to get moving. Don’t push him too hard; be gentle, but be encouraging too, so that he sees how much you believe in his ability to do this.
Even though you shouldn’t have to be the one searching for jobs for him too, pointing in the right direction will show your support and give him the motivation he is currently lacking.
You Need to Take a More Drastic Step
If this doesn’t work and you are serious about seeing him change but not wanting to walk away then maybe you even need to take a more harsh approach. At the moment, you are working, paying for everything, and giving him money. You are indirectly showing him that his actions are okay and that you are fine with this arrangement.
Tell him that you can no longer continue like this, and for the sake of your daughter and your health, you need to cut your hours to part-time or even stop working altogether. Something like this would force him to take action. Even if he is totally selfish and doesn’t care about you or his daughter (which hopefully isn’t the case anyway), he would need to step up and seek a job to feed himself at the very least.
This might be hard, but if nothing else is working, then it may need to be the way forward. Maybe just cutting to part-time to ensure that you have minimal income to take care of you and your daughter’s needs may help at this stage.
If he starts work, Alhmadulillah, and if you want to go back to full-time, you can go ahead. But he has to take it seriously, so that you could continue part-time and step down with that responsibility.
May Allah guide your husband, and may He bring peace and blessings to your household.
Read more:
- My Husband Neglects His Duties – What to Do?
- Husband Spends Too Much Money on His Parents
- Jobless Husband Doesn’t Help at Home
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