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My Aunt Passed Away: How to Soothe My Conscious?

11 February, 2024
Q What I can do to make my phopoo (father's sister) happy after her death.

she was unmarried. She died at the age of 85.

I used to care for her. I would give her food ,help her to take a bath ,wash her clothes ,clean her room.

I and my mother did all her work. I have one brother who is mentally ill since 15 years.

I am in great tension because of my brother.

So sometimes I misbehaved with my aunt. She died suddenly and I couldn’t ask her for forgiveness.

I want to repent. Is it possible? What should I do?


In this counseling answer:

Repentance is always possible, you can pray and supplicate to Allah SWT and ask him for His Mercy on yourself and your aunt.

 You can send your aunt rewards for good deeds through giving charity on her behalf.

Actions are judged by Intentions.

 You are grieving; so allow yourself to feel the sadness.

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Take Out Time For Yourself.

Ask Allah SWT For Help And Guidance.

Assalamu Alaikum Sister, 

I am touched by your question. From your post, it seems that you were a very dedicated caretaker for your aunt. However, since she died suddenly, you feel as though you did not get a chance to ask for her forgiveness and say a satisfactory goodbye to her.

It seems as though the loss has struck you and you want to keep your relationship with your aunt alive – even after her death. 

As for your question of how to make your Phuppo happy after her death – there are various ways mentioned in the Quran and Sunnah, which you can do to make her happy.

It is important to understand that souls are transferred to another dimension of time and space after death; however the connection between the loved ones does not end. 


Repentance is always possible, you can pray and supplicate to Allah SWT and ask him for His Mercy on yourself and your Phuppo. Allah SWT listens to and answers all prayers from His Believers.

As for the ways in which you can make your Phuppo happy; when a person dies, they cannot do good deeds anymore, and therefore, they become dependent on their offspring or loved ones to send them rewards for good deeds.

When someone sends the deceased person good deeds, it makes them immensely happy. There is evidence in the Quran, which shows that rewards reach the deceased person. 

In the Quran, Allah SWT has taught us to pray for the deceased in the following verse, 

“Our Lord! Forgive us our sins, as well as those of our brethren who preceded us in faith, and let not our hearts entertain any unworthy thoughts or feelings against any believers. Our Lord! You are truly compassionate, merciful.” (59: 10)

My Aunt Passed Away: How to Soothe My Conscious? - About Islam

Sending the Deceased Rewards of Good Deeds 

Some of the ways you can send your aunt rewards for good deeds are through giving charity on her behalf. Also by reciting the Quran and sending her the good deeds through prayer and supplication.

Similarly, if you are able and capable (physically and financially) you can perform an Umrah on your aunt’s behalf – and she would be rewarded for it. 

According to a Hadith, 

Saad ibn Ubadah (Razi Allahu Anhu) said to the Prophet: “My mother has died. Can I give to charity on her behalf?” The Prophet said: “Yes.” Saad said: “Which type of charity is best?” The Prophet answered: “To provide drinking water.” Saad (R.A)carried out a project to provide drinking water in Madinah, which continued to be known by his family’s name for a long time.

Actions are judged by Intentions

According to hadith, 

“Actions are (judged) by motives (niyyah), so each man will have what he intended. Thus, he whose migration (hijrah) was to Allah and His Messenger, his migration is to Allah and His Messenger; but he whose migration was for some worldly thing he might gain, or for a wife he might marry, his migration is to that for which he migrated.” [Al-Bukhari & Muslim]

Sister, it is important to understand that all that you do and all of your actions are seen by Allah SWT with the intention you have behind. And you cared for your aunt for several years in her old age. You will definitely be rewarded for it in this world and in the Hereafter, InshaAllah.

As for misbehaving with her sometimes, because you were tense or tired – is understandable, because you are also a human being with your own limitations and needs.

So whatever care taking you did was enough and I am sure that your aunt will be happy with you for all that you did for her during her life. 

Check out this counseling video:

Understanding Your Grief

Sister, it is also important to understand that when a loved one passes away – it is natural to feel sad, and at a loss. You are grieving; so allow yourself to feel the sadness.

A big part of your life is now no longer with you. The grief cycle typically consists of 5 stages, which includes denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.

Denial and isolation is a brief stage initially after the person dies as it is difficult to comprehend that the person is no longer with us. The second stage is anger which may be directed at yourself, or at the deceased person, or even at the doctors or medical staff that they were not competent enough to save your loved one.

The third stage is bargaining – which includes thoughts such as “if only I had taken more care of her, maybe she would still be here”, “if we had taken her to the doctor sooner..” etc. 

So, it is possible that your need to make your aunt happy is coming from a sense of guilt that you were not able to take as much care for her as you should have done.

The fourth stage is depression, where you feel really low and sad about the demise of your loved one- and finally acceptance helps you own and accept the loss, and move forward with it. All of these stages are part of the normal grief cycle. 

Take Out Time For Yourself 

Sister, when we are grieving for a loved one; it becomes really hard for us to take out time for ourselves.

As you mentioned, you are also taking care of your brother who has special needs, and I can imagine how exhausting it may get for you. When we are caught up in things around us, it is easy to forget about our own self and our needs.

But I just want to remind you that your own needs are equally important and that you matter – whether or not you were able to care for your aunt the perfect way. You did your best, and you deserve to be appreciated. 

Ask Allah SWT For Help And Guidance 

Last but not the least, ask Allah SWT for help and guidance for all your endeavors. He is the One who Listens and Sees to all that we are going through.

Allah SWT likes to be worshiped and praised, and when you ask Allah SWT for help and guidance, He will make everything easier for you. 

May Allah SWT be with you.



Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Zainab Farrukh
Zainab Farrukh is a Counseling Psychologist. She is deeply inspired to bring about change at the individual, interpersonal and global levels.  She can be reached on her Facebook page – Thrive Now