Mom Doesn’t Accept My Non-Muslim Fiance

15 September, 2020
Q I am a 21-year-old female who is in a relationship with a non-Muslim male.

My mother is not very pleased with my relations with him and tells me how much of a disappointment I am to her, how much I am disrespecting her and defying her. I do understand that religion is a huge factor in our lives.

Yet, I personally feel that my mother should be more accepting. She is currently not speaking to me. She gets really vulgar and upset when the topic of him comes up.

I would like to add that he is aware of the Islamic Faith and wants to learn more and eventually revert to Islam. However, my mother’s attitude towards him makes him disappointed.

I know that in Islam Jannah lies at the feet of your mother but surely being a mother teaches you to support your children in every decision they do.

I need help in making her realize how important this is to me and how I would not do anything to jeopardize my family or my religion. I am really frustrated as I feel as of my happiness means nothing to her.

Answer


In this counseling answer:

  • Your mom may be fearing that your fiance may not revert to Islam and, therefore, any children you may bear in the future will take on his religion. This will lead your family away from the path of Islam. This may be making her feel like a failure as a mother.
  • As the person who is a link between your partner and your mother, you could use this position to your advantage (as well as everyone else) and try to encourage good relations between them.
  • You could arrange something where you will all get together in a positive environment.
  • If she is given this chance to get to know him like you do and talk to him herself rather than hearing about him through you, then she will be given the opportunity to develop a fondness towards him that she doesn’t currently have.
  • This way, she will be able to see first-hand how he feels towards Islam. This may give her peace of mind and settle her feelings towards him.
  • Read this article to know why a Muslim woman can’t marry a non-Muslim man.

Assalamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatulahi Wa Barakatuh sister,

It is very difficult when one’s parents do not approve of a choice of spouse. In an ideal world, parents will love a child’s spouse like their own child, but there are many times when this is not the case. This makes things difficult for all parties.

Mother

It seems that this is the case for you and is making things very difficult for you. Of course, as your mother, you respect her and understand the importance of this from an Islamic perspective, but at the same time, you feel that she is showing you a great disrespect by not accepting your spouse.

You feel obliged to her, but also to your partner too. This makes things especially stressful for you in this scenario.

In this kind of situation, a useful thing to do, to begin with is to try and take a look at things from her perspective. As your mother, she will always want what’s best for you. Unfortunately, in many cases, parents will set standards so unattainable high for their children that no spouse that they find will ever be good enough and this will cause difficulties.

Mom Doesn’t Accept My Non-Muslim Fiance - About Islam

Also, keep in mind, that until you got married, you were dependent on her to meet your needs. Once you got married, you no longer solely relied on her as you now have a spouse who you can turn to meet, for example, your emotional needs.

This can be difficult for parents to adjust to and can often take some time. Understand that this might then make her experience some feelings of resentment towards your spouse as he has now taken over this role that she once had.

Fear

Also, understand that it may be that she is fearing that your partner may not revert to Islam and, therefore, any children you may bear in the future will take on his religion. This will lead your family away from the path of Islam.

This could also be a big concern for her too especially considering that Islamically a Muslim woman is not permitted to marry a non-Muslim man for this very reason. This may be making her feel like a failure as a mother.

Read this article to know why a Muslim woman can’t marry a non-Muslim man.

Whilst these things don’t make her behavior towards you acceptable, it might help you to understand why she is behaving this way and ease the burden on you emotionally.


Check out this counseling video:


Sandwiched

As the link person between your partner and your mother, you could use this position to your advantage (as well as everyone else) and try to encourage good relations between them.

Perhaps they have not known each other for long and so your mother has not had a chance to get to know him in the way you do and, therefore, is not able to see the good in him as you do.

Therefore, you could arrange something where you will all get together in a positive environment. This could be as simple as inviting her round for dinner and stimulate healthy discussion between your mother and him.

If she is given this chance to get to know him like you do and talk to him herself rather than hearing about him through you, then she will be given the opportunity to develop a fondness towards him that she doesn’t currently have. This way, she will be able to see first-hand how he feels towards Islam. This may give her peace of mind and settle her feelings towards him.

May Allah guide your partner to the path of Islam and soften your mother’s heart towards him. May He bring peace and happiness in your family between both you and your spouse and your mother.

Amen,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Hannah Morris
Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)