Answer
In this counseling answer:
While you mother has rights over you, you too have rights! What you need is team work. Team work could produce a little money on everyone’s part that would equal enough in the end. But team work will not happen if people think that they can rob you of your life. Therefore, stand up for yourself. Ask Allah for help!
Wa ’Alaikum Salaam wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh,
My dear sister in Islam, may Allah (swt) reward you! Your father and brothers are responsible for your mother. However, that said, what you are doing is absolutely wonderful and beautiful and full of the best character that a person can have on earth: complete self-sacrifice for one’s mother!
However, you should get married and live your life, too. While you mother has rights over you, you too have rights! There may be a few ways to bridge this gap and to make it into a win-win situation, in sha’ Allah, instead of the lose-win situation it is now.
One thing you can do is leave and see what happens. Your dad and siblings may step up to the plate and do their duty when they see that you are not caring for your mom anymore. They will be forced to get involved and take care of their mother. By always caring for her, you are doing what is called enabling in psychology – allowing them to get off the hook.
Two, ask your prospective husband/suitor if he would be willing to allow your mother to live with you two if you married. Now, I know this is a really hard thing to ask, but there are ways to do it which are not so horrible. For example, have an in-law unit; a separate unit from your house which is nearby, maybe in the back yard. But it can be in the house; on the upstairs in an attic area, or in a basement, or in a duplex (two houses which are connected).
Three, if your suitor has money, tell him the problem and see if he would be willing to pay for a nurse for her to free you.
Four, tell all your siblings and your father that they all need to give a little. Small resources do not mean no resources; therefore, combine the small ones and you get one big one, In Sha’ Allah. By this way, you can pay for a nurse for your mother, In Sha’ Allah.
Five (the most important point): ask Allah (swt) to send a solution, either money or a more affordable nurse, or anything else that would help you and our family, In Sha’ Allah. Problems which appear insolvable to us, Allah (swt) can solve if we ask of Him.
Get creative. Put their heads together with the sincere intention of solving this problem. Do not let them just take the easy way out and not deal with it. Your brothers and father have a duty to Allah (swt) to figure out a solution to this problem, not you only. They are robbing you of your life because you are letting them. This is not a solution!
This is not an end in itself but a test from Allah (swt) for you and them. The point of tests is to see if we ask of Allah (swt) while trying to solve the problem.
Of course, you should not leave your mother to starve or die uncared for. If that is the result of any of your efforts, don’t do that! However, while that is not an option, it is also not an option that you starve emotionally.
So, trust in Allah (swt), ask of Allah (swt) and put your foot on the path of trying to figure out how to realize a win-win situation so that you pass this test, with Allah’s (swt) help. What this takes is not money but team work. Team work could produce a little money on everyone’s part that would equal enough in the end! Team work will not happen if people think that they can rob you of your life. Therefore, stand up for yourself. It does not mean that you don’t care about your mother. It only means that you also have rights and those rights do not take away from her rights, and vice versa.
So, Allah is the Risq (Provider of our needs and rights) so ask of Him for yours.
May Allah (swt) make it easy for you!
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