I Did Everything to Please Them Yet, Parents Call Me a Disobedient Son

04 October, 2020
Q I am 30 years old Muslim and currently in armed forces of Pakistan. My father is a doctor in the armed forces. I have two sisters and one brother. I am the eldest one.

I was selected back in 2009 in the armed forces for engineering. Since then I have been giving all my income to my father and didn’t save anything for myself. I have been eating a single serving of meal divided into three times for a day just to save money and give it to my parents.

In 2018 I bought a plot on installments in which my brother helped me and sold it in 2019 and gave 8 out of 12 lakhs to my father in Nov 2019 so that he can buy a new car for himself. I was given the opportunity to use another old family car but later on, my father took away that car.

My father told me to give in writing that I, along with my wife and child, wouldn’t ask for any share in inheritance. I have already submitted that in the form of a legal document ( stamp paper).

My parents did a few things for me but nothing related to financial assistance since 2009 onwards except for a laptop, 2 x mobiles and hajj. I was not given any monetary support or any other item in my marriage. All the monetary support and gifts that I got from relatives and friends was taken away from me. Even the gold jewelry given by my parents side for my wife was taken away by my parents.

Now coming towards the other issues. I got married in 2018 which was by my parents choice. My wife is a doctor and after a lot of fighting related to household stuff between my mother and her, I decided to move into a separate house in October 2019. Me and my wife never abused or used harsh words towards my parents or siblings or anyone else, neither did we misbehave.

My parents have shown dislike towards my wife. I have a son too Alhamdulillah, but even then I gave the money to my father and didn’t buy a car for myself and family even though we needed it. I then took out my army fund and bought a small, old car for myself.

My father has asked my siblings not to contact me. My parents have not entered my home till now because they think that my wife should have asked them before moving away. Now my parents have told me not to come to the village to even meet them. I even tried to take my life once because of these issues and to show my parents how much I care for them, due to which I landed in ICU in hospital.

I am so confused about what to do and what not to do. They want me to fulfill each and every wish of theirs which is not possible for me since I have a wife and child who are dependent on me too. First I used to argue with them but now I don’t even say a word.

The people in the village and around me would think that I am not an obedient son. I don't visit my parents but they don’t know the reality that my parents forbade me to meet them.

My father now sends me messages saying that I pray whatever you did to us, your son will make sure that it happens to you too. My father is saying that I should stop calling him and to only communicate through texting if necessary.

Please guide me on what to do so that Allah is pleased with me and I am not portrayed as a disobedient child.

Thank you

Answer


In this counseling answer:

  • From what you have told in the post, regarding their financial situation, you do not need to give them any monetary support at all. You have a complete right to your money without feeling guilty about using it. 
  • While in Islam, respecting and showing obedience to parents is highly important, children also have rights to be fulfilled by parents.
  • While now may not be the best time, whenever you feel comfortable – do communicate your authentic feelings to your parents. Let them know that you have always loved them and been there for them from your heart.
  • Allah SWT has Blessed you with a family of your own, and you also have a son. Focus your time and energy on your family, and spend on them without feeling fearful or guilty. 
  • It is also important that you let go of what people think about you and your relationship with your parents.
  • Brother one of the hardest parts of enduring emotional abuse is coming to terms with it, and accepting it out loud and also inwardly. Once you fully accept and admit to yourself about the toxic nature of your parents, it will be a lot easier for you to move on and live your life the way you deserve to.
  • Consider involving a third party who can talk to your parents and encourage them to rethink their attitude.
  • Keep making dua that Allah guides them to the right path and soften their hearts.

Assalamalikum Brother, 

What you have shared is heartbreaking. It is indeed sad how parents can sometimes be so harsh towards their own skin and blood. Whatever you have been through is not your doing and not your fault. It is just that your parents have unrealistic expectations from you and they want you to give them everything and not want anything in return. 

From what you have told in the post, regarding their financial situation, you do not need to give them any monetary support at all. You have a complete right to your money without feeling guilty about using it. 

If they have stopped you from seeing them, then so be it. While in Islam, respecting and showing obedience to parents is highly important, but parents too have a right to their children. If they are turning their back on you; it is their loss and there is little you can do. However, it does not mean that you stop living your own life or think about ending your life. 

I  Did Everything to Please Them Yet, Parents Call Me a Disobedient Son - About Islam

This life is entrusted” to us from our Creator and we do not have a right to end this life for anyone; not even for the sake of our parents. 

Acceptance of Your Parents’ Nature

Brother one of the hardest parts of enduring emotional abuse is coming to terms with it, and accepting it out loud and also inwardly. Once you fully accept and admit to yourself about the toxic nature of your parents, it will be a lot easier for you to move on and live your life the way you deserve to.

On the other hand –if you keep going back and wishing that your parents change – you will spend your life trying to please them; and yet they will still not be pleased with you or approve of you. Therefore, accept them as they are.

They are indeed your parents, respect them, and be there for them when they genuinely need you. However, don’t punish yourself without any reason – if they are not open to the love and care you want to share with them, it is useless to keep trying. 

However, you may consider involving a third party who can talk to your parents and encourage them to rethink their attitude.

Focus on Your Own Life and Family 

Allah SWT has Blessed you with a family of your own, and you also have a son. Focus your time and energy on your family, and spend on them without feeling fearful or guilty. When Allah SWT closes a door, He also opens up other doors.

So cherish your wife and son; and fulfill their rights. They are currently more deserving of your love and attention than your parents. 

Life In This World Is a Test

Life in this world is a test by Allah Subhanahu Wa Tala. He tests each and every one of us, but the test is different for everyone. Sometimes, He tries some with health, some with wealth, some with relationships and so on. However, the test is always there. 

Allah SWT has mentioned this at several places in the Quran. In one verse He says,

“And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient, Who, when disaster strikes them, say, ‘Indeed we belong to Allah, and indeed to Him we will return.’” — [2:155–156]

In another verse He says, 

“Alif, Lam, Meem. do people think that they will be left to say, “We believe,” without being tested? We certainly tested those before them. And Allah will clearly distinguish between those who are truthful and those who are liars.” [29:1–3]


Check out this counseling video:


Communicate About Your Authentic Feelings To Your Parents 

While now may not be the best time, whenever you feel comfortable – do communicate your authentic feelings to your parents. Let them know that you have always loved them and been there for them from your heart.

However, also communicate to them the hurt you have felt from them not acknowledging you, abusing you, continuously dismissing your feelings and also cutting you out from the inheritance. 

When you communicate to them, do not do it with the intention of a fight or ensuing conflict, but rather just to state your own emotions and being heard, once and for all. Instead of getting into a blame game of “you did this, or you did that” take full responsibility of your emotions and use I statements, for instance, I felt deeply hurt and rejected when you shunned me out from your life.

Ask them for forgiveness even though you are not to blame. However, even when they do forgive you, maintain your boundaries with them. 

Let Go of The Material Wealth And People’s Opinions 

I do understand that it is very unfair of them to cut you out from the inheritance, however, for your own mental peace, it is important that you just let things be this way. You are young and healthy. You can make your own life with your own effort.

Instead of mourning over what could be or could have been, if you had received your share from the inheritance, it is important to keep going and keep your focus on what you can do for yourself and your new family.

It is also important that you let go of what people think about you and your relationship with your parents. Because eventually everyone will have their own opinions and this is something you can not control. Therefore, by letting go of the fear of judgment; you’ll free yourself from a lot of unwanted pressure. 

Ask Allah For Help And Guidance 

Allah Subhanahu Wa Taala is the All Seer and All Knower. He knows what is visible and also knows what is hidden in people’s hearts. As long as your intentions are pure and true, you do not have to worry what the world will think about you about not being obedient to your parents.

Allah SWT knows that in your heart you have always done your best to be there in every way for your parents, and in the end – that is all that counts.  Keep making dua that Allah guides them to the right path and soften their hearts.

May Allah SWT make things easy for you and your family. Ameen.

Salam,

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