The transition completely disrupted our lives — we struggled financially, lived in a poor neighborhood, and our children became isolated and unhappy. My husband became increasingly angry, verbally abusive, and even physically violent, which has left our home toxic and unsafe.
Now our finances are worse, my teen is finally starting to recover in a better school, but my husband insists we stay abroad so I can finish my PhD and secure a future for the kids. If we return home, life may be more stable, but it risks derailing my teen’s progress. I feel trapped, exhausted, and abandoned, torn between protecting my kids’ future, saving myself from his temper and hostile behavior, and not wanting to anger God.
I am doing lots of Istikhara, but still I’m totally clueless about what to do. I’m afraid my Allah has left me as I disappointed my parents once, I’m regretting my life choice and I’m totally shattered. I keep thinking that Allah will not forgive me ever again, this is His punishment, and I have no way to escape.
What will I do?
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- I invite you to examine the interpretations of these events, because they might be blocking your clarity and preventing you from making a wise decision.
- Start conversations about your underlying fears .Express your vulnerabilities and he shares his, you may find common ground and begin to work as partners again.
Assalamualaikum sister,
Thank you for your letter.
You have written extensively about the conflict between you and your husband.
To sum it up, basically, we are talking about choices between family vs career and home-country–based decisions, family vs economic and academic growth, which are affecting each member of your family differently — your sons, your husband, and yourself.
In the last two years, relocation, loss of funding, pursuing higher studies, and difficult or wrong choices have greatly escalated arguments, discussions, and conflicts within your family.
It seems to me that your husband is having difficulty accepting his responsibility and part in this. At the same time, you feel very scared of being left alone with all the responsibilities you have and feel on your shoulders, while also trying to ensure the best possible future for your children.
This makes you feel overwhelmed — you ask yourself why you must carry so much burden alone, and whether he is using you to avoid his own responsibilities.
You ask: what should you do? Which path is the way of Allah, the path of barakah?
Events vs Interpretations
Subhanallah, sister, this is a very complicated situation.
It seems to me that what might help is first to clarify the understanding of the situation. The events have already happened — relocation, loss of funding, studies, school choices, conflicts — these are facts. But the way you interpret them matters a lot.
You have said that this must be a punishment from Allah because you disappointed your parents. I would like you to examine this statement carefully. Are you sure you truly disappointed your parents? Are you sure that by making choices to seek a better future for your children, you are dishonoring them?
Living close to parents is a great blessing and very beneficial for the whole family. But it is not an obligation in Islam.
Family vs Carreer
Sometimes life requires us to live apart, and Alhamdulillah, today we have many ways to maintain close relationships through phone calls, video calls, and visits. If you think of yourself as a parent, you would also want your children to have the best possible life — even if that means living apart from you. Your parents might understand this too.
I also doubt that Allah is punishing you simply because you moved away from your parents. This idea seems to be a cultural or educational influence that shaped your thinking, rather than something based on evidence from the Qur’an and Sunnah.
So I invite you to examine these interpretations, because they might be blocking your clarity and preventing you from making a wise decision.
Indeed, in our religion, family life has high priority — especially the emotional and spiritual well-being of your children, and a loving and secure home environment.
Economic stability does not guarantee happiness, as you have seen. Hopefully, your husband will also reflect on this and understand that his frustration does not give him the right to treat you badly or the children.
He must take responsibility for his emotional struggles and accept that things did not go as planned. That is his personal growth journey — you can support him, but you cannot do it for him.
You Are More Capable than You Think
I also want to highlight that, even though you say you cannot handle everything, you have actually handled a lot, mashaAllah. You have pursued higher education, balanced work and studies, changed schools, and improved your children’s environment. You are strong and capable, alhamdulillah.
What Are the Underlying Fears?
What if I say, it is not about handling less, but needing emotional support, connection, and understanding — particularly from your husband? Or, if there are some underlying fears of being left alone there?
Furthermore, what if he also needs emotional support and help processing his failure and disappointment, in order to feel safe?
If possible, try to sit down and have an open conversation with him. If necessary, seek a counselor, mediator, or someone you trust who can help facilitate this conversation. Express your emotional needs clearly and compassionately. Encourage him to share his feelings and struggles too.
This could help you both move away from blame and towards mutual understanding. When you express your vulnerabilities and he shares his, you may find common ground and begin to work as partners again.
Seek Mediation
Of course, in the end, some sacrifices will be necessary — from you, your husband, and your children — because no decision will make everyone perfectly happy. But every situation in life is an opportunity to grow. Whatever decision you make, it will become a chapter in your life from which you, your children, and your husband can learn and grow together.
In short, seek someone who can support you in this process and help you both communicate more effectively. May Allah guide you, bring barakah to your decision, and make this situation easy for you.