My father recently died from cancer on the 1 October 2019 and I am heart broken. I try my best to carry on as I got two kids and a husband, but I miss him too much. I’m still in shock.
Long story short, I love my mum but she’s a very toxic person. You cannot talk or share with her anything without her starting a fight with you that’s why I would share everything with my dad.
After my father passed I stayed at my mum’s house for a while then went back to my own home. My mum left for Pakistan to stay with my dad’s sister for a while. Everything was fine when one day I started receiving messages from my brother stating that I am a disgrace to my father. He was swearing at me.
I was shocked, but then I figured out that my dad’s sister complained that someone has stolen her gold jewels and some cash from her room. Tey accused me without any question because I was staying in that room.
My mum and brother have stopped talking to me since then. It was not me! What to do now?
Answer
In this counseling answer:
When you are feeling sad or particularly missing your dad, please do make duaa to Allah asking Him to help you through these feelings and provide comfort.
Kindly speak with your brother and just let him know that you stayed at your mom’s house, you went home, and you were never at your aunt’s.
Focus on your family as well as other aspects of your life as indicated above.
Please do stay close to Allah. Ask for His protection guidance mercy and love. We wish you the best.
As salamu alaykum dear sister,
Thanks you for writing to us concerning your most important questions and issues. May Allah guide us in our responses and insha’Allah, enable us to provide some assistance.
Missing Father who Passed Away
You stated that you are very depressed and in a dark place in your life at the moment. Your father passed away in October of 2019 from cancer, and you are heartbroken. You indicated that you are married and have children that you are responsible for, thus it is important to try to heal from this loss.
Loves Mom, but Mom is Toxic
You are close to your mom and love her very much but you described her as a toxic person. You stated that you cannot share or talk to her about anything without her starting a fight. As a consequence you were very close to your father and talked to him about a lot of things.
Seek Allah’s Mercy and Blessings
I can imagine sister that you are missing your dad very much as he was the one person you could talk to about anything.
May Allah grant you ease and help you get through this. When you are feeling sad or particularly missing your dad, please do make duaa to Allah asking Him to help you through these feelings and provide comfort. In Allah, do hearts find rest….
Accused by Brother
The current situation is one that is disappointing. You are currently being accused by your brother of stealing gold jewelry and cash from your father’s sister room.
This is seemingly very poor manners on behalf of your brother. To call you or text you screaming and accusing you of such a thing is not conducive to trust, good relations, nor truth seeking.
Sister, you did not mention what kind of a relationship you and your brother had but it seems that maybe it was not a positive one as he accused you of something very serious (stealing your aunt’s jewelry and money).
He should know you would not do such a thing. He may have wished to ask you if you heard from your mom, as she was the one who stayed with your aunt, not you.
Perhaps your mom knows of other quests who may have stayed with your aunt. It appears you have no knowledge as you were not there.
Assumptions
In cases where there’s something missing, one may ask if the other person has seen the item, they don’t accuse them. However in your case, your bother assumed that you had taken something.
There is one catch to this whole accusation that your brother is ignoring, or does not know about. And that is after your father passed away, you stayed at your mom’s house and then you went back to your own home. Your brother is accusing you of taking cash and jewelry from your aunts home.
However, you were not at her home. You were at your mom’s home. You indicated you stayed at your mom’s house for a while and then went back to your own home is your mom left for Pakistan to stay with your father’s sister.
Truth Finding
Sister I kindly advise insha’Allah that your brother (or you) advise your aunt to check with the people who were actually at her home, not those who did not come to her home such as yourself.
Sister, when we are accused of something it can be very upsetting and hurtful. Especially when accused of something in connection with somebody we love, such as your father.
You were not at your Auntie’s house, but rather you were at your mom’s. That is your defense and your stand. I can imagine that it hurts even more sister as your own brother would accuse you.
But sometimes people get in a place in life where they have issues, and they hurt other people because of this.
Also, your brother does not practice good adapt or manners when it comes to approaching situations such as this. Insha’Allah, he will learn how to handle situations better in the future.
Refocusing
Sister I kindly advise you to try to focus on your husband and children. I understand it’s very difficult as you are hurt and grieving for the loss of your father.
As it is rather recent, it will take time for you to transition through the grieving process. This is quite normal. Insha’Allah, try not to let anyone make you feel any worse- such as your brother.
The grieving process is hard enough without having other additional problems added to it. Sister, please do discuss this situation with your husband and ask him to intervene on your behalf if needed.
Insha’Allah, surround yourself with warm, loving, family members and friends. Insha’Allah, please try to limit your time spent with those who are negative or toxic.
Check out this counseling video:
This would include family. I’m not stating that you should cut off family, especially your mom, however I am suggesting that insha’Allah you limit your time right now until you are stronger and more able to deal. with extra problems.
Finding Joy and Peace with Family Unit
Insha’Allah sister, try to find joy with your children and husband. Plan to do special things together. Take walks in the park, which is healing. Focus on making new plans and goals for the future with the children and your husband.
Attend the Masjid for prayers and Islamic centers as well for events and classes which may interest you. Insha’Allah try to strike a balance in life especially during this time of grieving.
You need time for health, getting your proper sleep, feeling supported by your husband and other friends and family. Take time for extra prayers, reading Qur’an as well as other acts of worship.
Include social and family times, and self-care time for yourself. All of this things helps with healing the different phases of grieving.
Healing
It is very sad that during this time you are being accused of something as hurtful as stealing cash and jewelry from your dad’s sister. This life is filled with test and trials.
This could be one of them. Insha’Allah sister, please do focus on Allah, make duaa asking Allah to give you strength, courage, as well as mercy and blessings. Ask Allah to reveal truth to your family, and to protect you from lies.
Conclusion
In conclusion, kindly speak with your brother and just let him know that you stayed at your mom’s house, you went home, and you were never at your aunt’s. Insha’Allah he will see he is accusing the wrong person.
You may wish to tell him that you do not wish to discuss the matter any further because it doesn’t involve you.
From that point on your sister, I would concentrate on not feeding into this drama, and just focus on your family as well as other aspects of your life as indicated above.
Please do stay close to Allah. Ask for His protection guidance mercy and love. We wish you the best.
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