She respects that I am a Muslim but as a mother she has been so erratic throughout my entire life. She has blamed me for being emotionally unstable but I have understood when I came back to live with her that she is actually the one who is very unpredictable and has contributed greatly to our bad relationship.
I used to blame myself so much for not having a good relationship with her but now I realise it's not in my control. She is moody. She doesn't listen to me when I speak. She has very poor emotional and communication skills which makes me avoid contact with her.
I feel that Allah is punishing me because I have a bad relationship with her. In 5 years I have gone back thrice to her house and I am just so tired. Everytime I have tried to do something whether it be continuing my studies or working outside it has not worked and I don't have the means to move out.
What should I do? I pray, do a lot of dua, I am very active in my Islamic community but I feel that Allah is angry with me and that is why my life is going so wrong for some years. I have tried therapy for a few years but now I only confide in Allah because I have been so disappointed with people.
I feel like I am doomed.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- Find someone who can help you reinterpret what has happened to you and put it in a light that is more realistic, helpful, and beneficial for your well-being, mood, and outlook on life.
- You might connect better with a different therapist which could make the experience more meaningful and supportive for you.
Assalamualaikum dear sister,
Thank you for your letter.
You explained that you have a difficult relationship with your mother, and now, after two divorces, once you returned to live with her, you realized that unfortunately this is rather related to her behavior, or stems from her attitude and unpredictability, rather than yours as you used to believe.
You used to blame yourself for not having a good relationship with her, but you now realize that it is not in your control. She is very moody and does not listen to you when you speak. She has very poor emotional and communication skills, which makes you avoid contact with her.
Setting Boundaries
What is interesting to me is that it seems you now understand what can cause the clash between you and your mother. This is a very valuable realization — recognizing that her behavior and her attitude toward you and toward life are not in your control. This is something that she has to manage.
Even if you thought before that it was your responsibility, it seems to me that you have grown, Alhamdulillah, and can now recognize the importance of healthy emotional boundaries.
However, it seems that after describing this situation, you interpret it as a punishment from Allah. You feel that Allah is punishing you because you have a bad relationship with your mother, and that this is why you have had to return to her house three times.
You also feel tired and discouraged. You said that every time you tried to do something related to studies or work, it did not succeed.
You pray, make a lot of du’a, and are very active in your community, but you still feel that Allah is angry with you, and that is why your life has been so difficult for years. You have tried therapy, masha’Allah, for a few years, but now you feel disheartened and have stopped, because you have been disappointed with people, and feel as though you are doomed.
Revisit Your Conlusions
My sister, I am really sorry that you have come to this conclusion. I understand that, right now, because of your past experiences, you may feel reluctant to seek further understanding or to re-interpret these events.
But I highly suggest that you seek some form of help and find someone who can help you reinterpret what has happened to you and put it in a light that is more realistic, helpful, and beneficial for your well-being, mood, and outlook on life.
Depending on the perspective we take, things can be interpreted in a very negative way — but that does not always reflect the full picture.
I am sure that if we looked into your experiences more deeply, we could find things that would color the picture differently and shed light on blessings and growth you might not have noticed.
For example, I would like to point out that your interpretation — that Allah is angry with you — is a personal feeling, not necessarily a fact. Life’s trials can also be seen as simply tests, opportunities to grow, and ways Allah draws us closer to Him.
Perhaps it would help to focus on what you have learned and how you have grown through these challenges. For example, what happened in your marriages is also probably not only your fault, but the result of both sides.
I find it very positive that you are now able to start distinguishing and setting boundaries, and realizing what is your responsibility and what is not — whether with your mother or in other relationships. Please keep working on this.
Once you fully realize that her behavior is not something you can control, you can focus only on your own approach and attitude — making sure it is kind, respectful, understanding, and compassionate — while also protecting your own well-being.
Give Another Chance to Therapy
I understand that your experience with therapy was not very positive. But maybe you could try with another therapist, because research shows that at least 30% of therapy success depends on the therapist–client relationship.
You might connect better with a different therapist — perhaps one who shares your values, such as a Muslim counselor — which could make the experience more meaningful and supportive for you.
Broadening your perspective, valuing your growth, and reflecting on the lessons you have learned could be a very helpful path forward. Of course, relying on Allah is the most important thing.
Trusting His guidance truly gives us strength. But do not forget that sometimes His guidance comes through people, through practical means, through events, and through signs that direct us to where we need to go.
May Allah make it easy for you.