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Should I Choose My Parents or My Wife?

30 June, 2021
Q I am writing this to you as a matter of urgency. Please kindly help out on this.

I married my wife About 5 years ago. We had a daughter, who happened to be our first child through C.S. After 2 years my wife got pregnant again.

During the eighth month of the pregnancy she wasn’t feeling well and I had to take her to the hospital. The doctor had to operate on her and abort the child for her safety.

My wife went through C. S. three times in 5 years. We lost the second and third child. Alhamdulilah, at present my wife is well and sound.

My family tells me to divorce her and remarry. I have been under pressure for the past two weeks now. They say that I am spending too much money on her and that we aren’t destined to be together.

Please I need your advice on this. What is the Islamic ruling on this? Should I take my family’s advice on this as Islam forbids disobedience to parents?

Answer


In this counseling session:

  • Of course as your parents you must respect and listen to them. However, when they are advising you against Islam then you are not obliged to obey them.
  • In sha Allah in time they will come to accept your relationship and bonds will be remade.
  • It might take some time and patience but if you keep at it at least you can be confident you have done your best to maintain family ties.

Assalamalikum,

This is always a difficult situation when you have parents advising against the will of the child, especially in adulthood. Of course as your parents you must respect and listen to them. However, when they are advising you against Islam then you are not obliged to obey them. This may be considered one of these occasions.

Your wife

Just because your wife has had struggles with losing children, she has not done anything that would give justifiable reasons for divorce as such. This is where it gets difficult because if you disobey your parents, this will potentially cause difficulties between you due to not listening to their suggestions. 

Should I Choose My Parents or My Wife? - About Islam

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However, before making any decision on what to do hear, the first thing you should do is seek advice from a scholar of knowledge who will be able to provide the Islamic ruling on your situation. Having this secure advice will give you a much clearer idea of what’s best to do keeping the values of Islam in mind. 

Relations

Regardless of the outcome, you will need to be prepared for relations to be upset somewhere. If it is that you must listen to your parents, this will have consequences for your marriage and will cause upset to your wife.

If it is that you don’t have to listen to them and choose to stick with your wife then this may upset relations with your family. Either way, there will be consequences that you will be the center of and people will be upset. 

There are however ways in which you can soften the blow for all whatever the outcome may be… 

You and your wife have been through a lot losing 2 children. Your wife has been through the physical as well as emotional pains that accompany this. May Allah reward her every struggle. To add divorce to this will only add extra grief to her life at an already burdensome time.


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Divorce

She needs the support of her loved ones at this time. Even if you chose to listen to your parents and divorce her it is necessary to do so with empathy for how she is feeling.

Given that it would not be that you are divorcing due to relationship difficulties this should not be a problem, except that the separation will be difficult for you both.

Also make sure to do so in accordance with Islamic practices to ensure all rights of all parties are maintained. Especially your daughter who would suffer the most at the hands of this divorce if it should come to pass. You could also make sure that she has sound support from her family also. 

Parents change

It seems that your parents have only been making this suggestion to you recently so there is every chance they may change their minds, and in sha Allah they will, especially if they can develop some empathy towards your wife for all that she has endured lately and as the mother of their granddaughter.

It’s important that they understand how much your wife and daughter mean to you and the significant impact it would have on you all if you were to divorce. Maybe this will also change their minds for the sake of your happiness.

Conclusion

If it is deemed that in this case you don’t have to obey them then you could also back up your choice with justification from an Islamic perspective and ask them to give things a try in accepting your wife with this in mind. In sha Allah these things will be enough to convince them, but if not and then there may be consequences to deal with for you.

Perhaps it won’t be as bad as you expect or will only be short lived, but continue to show them love and respect regardless of the turnout to let them know that your decision has no impact on your relationship with them.

In sha Allah in time they will come to accept your relationship and bonds will be remade. It might take some time and patience but if you keep at it at least you can be confident you have done your best to maintain family ties.

May Allah make things easy for you and your wife during this testing time and may He make your daughter a pillar of the Muslim community who will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next. May He soften the hearts of your parents and guide you to make the choices that will be best for you all and most pleasing to Him.

Salam,

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Hannah Morris
Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)