Answer
Answer:
As-Salamu `Alaikum Sister,
Thank you for sending us your question. It seems you are going through a tremendous amount of stress and your family issues are weighing heavily on you. I ask Allah (swt) to ease your pain and to solve your situation.
Firstly, I would like to tell you how bad I feel about your situation. I am sorry that your siblings do not see the true you and are quick to judge you and belittle you. It must be difficult for you to have all your siblings treat you badly, and it must make you feel alone and shattered. In sha` Allah, your situation will improve with time and perseverance.
You are right to decide to stay away from the family members that cause you harm at this point in time. As you mentioned “I feel this is the best way for me to heal by keeping away.” At times, we do need to keep away from difficult people to allow ourselves to think more clearly without the extra distractions that would hinder us from being honest with ourselves. In sha` Allah, with some time, you and your siblings would have some kind of contact, even if it is minimal.
Now that you are working on yourself and have been keeping away from the people that cause you a lot of anger and frustration, it is time for you to analyze the negative situations that you have been in.
From your written question, it looks like you have a lot of anger, even with yourself. Your anger is even directed towards the one person whom you care for the most – your mother. Sit with yourself and think of an incident in which you lost your temper. How did you feel at that time? What do you want the other person to understand as you answered him/her? And most importantly, how could you have changed your perception of the whole situation to make you feel calmer and better about yourself?
The most obvious theme I see in your situation is that your expectations of your siblings have been shattered, and you just cannot accept the reality that your siblings may not or even never meet your expectations. Most individuals expect that their parents, siblings, family members, etc. would be supportive and helpful towards them and each other since they are the closest people to you.
Unfortunately in your case, your siblings have not met this expectation and, as a result, you feel very frustrated and angry. You feel threatened in their presence. Whenever they criticize you, you answer by feeling the need to defend yourself and a huge argument unfolds. It seems like this pattern has been repeating itself over and over again and you are extremely hurt and tired of this.
We all must know that we are only responsible for ourselves and our actions. We are also responsible for our own happiness. You are not responsible for how your siblings react towards you, but you are responsible for how you react towards them, even if they disrespect you, as mentioned in the Quran,
“And the servants of the Most Gracious are those who walk on the earth in humility, and when the ignorant address them, they say peace.” (25:63)
In this verse, Allah (swt) describes a believer as someone who has high self-esteem. They are content with themselves because they know they follow the truth, and when people act ignorantly towards them, they react by showing peace or positive behavior. They react positively not only because Allah (swt) told them to, but because goodness is a part of who they are. They also react based on principle and not emotion. They are people of principle because they know who they are; they are proud of what they follow and stand for, and they do not sway from this no matter what circumstances they may be put in.
To summarize, there are three things that may help you through your difficult situation.
The first one is to keep your expectations low of your siblings. At this point in time, they do not meet your expectations regarding their behavior towards you, and you need to understand that you are not responsible of that. Accept them the way they are. This may be difficult to do because everyone wants to have a close relationship with their siblings. However, if your relationship is causing you harm, then maybe having a cordial relationship is the only realistic expectation to strive to attain.
The second thing to do is to keep close ties with your mother. I understand from your written question that she is the only person that you are able to have a close relationship with. Stay close to her, spend time with her, and talk about things other than the problems with your siblings. I am sure that there is much more to you than the negative issues that you are facing.
Finally, the last thing you should do is to work on healing yourself, which includes building your self-esteem, taking care of yourself emotionally, spiritually, and physically, and engaging in positive activities. I recommend keeping a personal journal and writing in it daily, exercising, keeping in contact with friends, being active at your local mosque or community center, etc.
There are two wonderful self-help books that I recommend. The first one is called “The Feeling Good Handbook” by David D. Burns and the second book is called “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” by Stephen R. Covey.
Of course, individual counseling would be the best way to attain your goals with help from a trained counselor. In your case, do not hesitate to seek out counseling, even if it is with a non-Muslim counselor. Working on self-esteem is a universal issue that all people need help with regardless of religion.
May Allah (saw) assist you and grant you success.
Salam,
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