I’m very sad to hear that you do not want to live anymore. This is a very serious statement. While you did not say the reason you do not want to live anymore, nor did you indicate what you are praying/making du’aa’ for, I will do my best to answer your question.
First of all, you are a wonderful young adult with many fine attributes, qualities, and abilities that Allah (swt) has given you. Allah (swt) does not hate you, nor has He abandoned you. Often times, when one thinks of suicide, one is actually abandoning himself and more importantly Allah (swt). As suicide is a major sin, yes, it is the abandonment of Allah (swt) and has dire consequences in the Hereafter. Allah (swt) gave us this life, so who are we to take it? There is no room for a person to take away the life that Allah (swt) has created for an important purpose and meticulously sustaining it each second for that purpose. He prohibited the destroying of one’s life in any manner as understood by the general meaning of the wording of this verse,
“And do not throw (yourselves) with your own hands to destruction; but work (deeds of) excellence for verily Allah loves the people of excellence.”(2:195)
Thus, we are ordered not to destroy ourselves rather direct the mind and energies to do good deeds that please Allah (swt). In another verse,
“And do not kill yourselves. Surely, Allah is Most Merciful to you.” (4:29)
Based on this verse alone, we can see that Allah (swt) has made us with the capabilities to overcome and do great deeds. This goes back to what I was saying earlier about your having many wonderful qualities and abilities.
I’m not sure why you are depressed or why you attempted suicide in the past, but you are here for a reason and a purpose! I want you to start journaling daily. Just write a few paragraphs about what you are thinking. Then, I ask you to write 5 things which are positive and that you will do that day. Then write 5 qualities about yourself which you like and 5 reasons you want to live. Then I would like you to make du’aa’ to Allah (swt) to help you overcome your feelings of not wanting to live. More importantly, ask for Allah’s (swt) forgiveness and repent for thinking these thoughts and for your previous attempts in the past. Perhaps, asking for Allah’s (swt) forgiveness and truly repenting from this major sin in heart, mind, body and spirit will free up the pathway for your du’aa’s to be answered! Think about how Allah (swt) can answer our du’aa’s if in the back of our mind we are still thinking about taking our own lives.
I also want you to think about death; what do you think it would be like if you killed yourself? Would you find peace? Would you find happiness in the Hereafter? Based on the fact that it is a major sin, I think not. Also, how do you think your mom would feel and those that loved you? How would you feel if your mom or someone you loved dearly committed suicide and you found them dead? What would your reaction be? I would also like you to read about the lives of the prophets (peace be upon them all). They were/are very much loved by Allah (swt). Yet, each went through extreme hardships and horrible tests.
Allah (swt) tries those of His servants He deems best to test. Consider Job (peace be upon him) about whom Allah says:
“(Remember) Job, when He cried to his Lord, ‘Truly distress has seized me, but You are the Most Merciful of those who are merciful.” (21:83)
So, please keep in mind that this life is about tests and trials. Allah (swt) never puts more on us than we can handle. I have faith in you that you are stronger than you think, and that once you get through this difficult time, you will look back and feel grateful for the lessons learned as well as your own personal spiritual growth. Additionally, please remember that for every sickness and hardship we go through, even a pinprick, Allah (swt) forgives one of our sins.
“Or do you think that you will enter Paradise while such [trial] has not yet come to you as came to those who passed on before you? They were touched by poverty and hardship and were shaken until [even their] messenger and those who believed with him said, “When is the help of Allah?” Unquestionably, the help of Allah is near.” (2: 214)
Praying to Allah (swt) is very important. It draws us closer to Him as well as acts as a protection. You stated you pray all the time. Please, keep praying and know that Allah (swt) hears you and loves you. I have to believe that you know this or else why would you be praying? Remind yourself that indeed Allah (swt) hears your prayers and answers them in His time, not ours. Allah (swt) knows what is best for us better than we do.
I encourage you to continue drawing closer to Allah (swt) through prayer, good deeds, asking for forgiveness, and believing in Allah (swt), knowing that He does love you and He hears your prayers. Please, keep your journal daily focusing on the positive things in your life as well as the wonderful qualities you possess. I also suggest that you obtain professional counseling for what may be clinical depression.
Depression is sometimes triggered by life events or it can seem to arise out of nowhere. It can be genetic, biological, chronic or circumstantial. is common, but it does need intervention from a clinic or practitioner. It can also arise from situations of abuse. If you are being abused, please call or go to a local clinic/social worker or other helpful resources. I highly recommend that you begin counseling as soon as possible. If you went to the hospital during one of your suicide attempts, they may be able to offer a referral. If not, here are two articles I would like you to read that include referral as well as suicide hot lines: Netherlands Suicide Hotline
I would also like you to make a contract. You can make it with your mother or whomever else you feel close to. This contract is your way of loving yourself and others. This written contract will state: “I will not harm myself. I will not attempt to commit suicide. If I feel that I may, I will immediately tell my mother (or whoever your “safe” person is; one you feel comfortable with). Please do this contract as soon as possible.
Please, let us know how you are doing, whether you have followed up with a clinician for possible depression and also that you completed your contract. Also, please know that we care and so does Allah (swt).
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
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