Wa ‘Alaikum As-Salaam dear sister,
Thank you for your question. You seem to be a devoted and insightful person.
I do not know why hijab is such a difficult task for you, so I will address some of the points you have made, and hopefully you can put together an answer that works for you.
We all care what others think about us. Some people are able to deflect it more.
Depending on the issue, sometimes it’s easier and other times it is harder.
I also think that caring what others think is an Islamic thing.
We should be concerned with hurting other people’s feelings and take precautions to avoid it, even when we have to do something that will hurt them.
There should be a focus on minimizing their hurt. Of course, there are times when our fear of judgment stops us from doing things that we need to, and this can be problematic as you’ve described in your question.
For times like these, I would question what the barriers are.
Why are you so concerned? What is the underlying fear? How will their opinion of you impact your life?
I think your lack of support from family, especially your husband, maybe a big reason you are unable to wear hijab.
Causing him displeasure will obviously affect your marriage.
Why does he not want you to wear hijab? What are his concerns and reasons? It is important, in every successful marriage, that each person support their spouse in achieving their dreams (without compromising responsibility, of course).
I would wonder what is getting in your husband’s way of helping you obtain something you wish for (and which is obligatory in Islam).
Hijab, like any other, Islamic practice is a means to get closer to God.
Do not let the physical aspect of hijab (the actual piece of cloth) forget what it represents.
There are many opinions about the physical aspect of hijab, so do not feel there is a specific shape for hijab that you have to abide by as long as you are fulfilling the minimum conditions for the right Hijab.
Hijab is more than a piece of clothing.
It is a manner of dress, a manner of conducing oneself, and an overall manner of humility in one’s actions.
You seem to do this, which is good. Keep your closeness to Allah at the center of your wish and doors open up, in sha’ Allah.
I pray that you find peace with your decision and current circumstances.
Sometimes when we are unable to have something we want, we tend to hyper focus on it.
Therefore, ask Allah to open your heart and give you courage to do something that you feel will bring you closer to Him.
Also ask Him to ease your affairs with your family, because having good relations with family is also one of the ways to gain closeness to God.
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