Thank you for writing. Alhumdulilah, you accepted Islam, congratulations!
Your journey from a Christian turned Antitheist to Islam is a profound and interesting journey, one which, as you described, was not without tests and trials.
Your acceptance and then rejection of Islam as well as your uncontrollable “bad thoughts” may be intrusive thoughts brought on by anxiety or OCD as you stated in your question.
I suggest that perhaps you may want to look in other areas of your life and see if there are other patterns of intrusive thoughts concerning other life changing events such as starting or stopping a job, school, moving, or other stressful life changes.
I suggest, in sha’ Allah, that you make a list of life events that have caused unwanted thoughts to see if there are other areas or themes in your life in which intrusive thoughts occur.
This would help establish a possible pattern of what triggers intrusive thoughts, not only concerning Islam, but other life changes and events.
Often, stressful changes in our lives can produce unwanted psychological ramifications if we do not address the underlying causes.
While accepting Islam is a beautiful blessing, you may also be experiencing guilt, confusion or betrayal of your previous spiritual affiliation if you have not grounded yourself in a network of Islamic support and/or self-education.
At this point, besides the friend you mentioned, you do not seem to have the correct guidance yet as how to proceed with your Islamic lifestyle and learning.
Thus far, mostly negative connotations are guiding your emotions.
You stated that your parents would allow you to pray, then they wouldn’t; your grandparents forbid you to do it. Your family shouts at you.
This in itself is stressful, and if you are prone to OCD, anxiety or depression, negative thoughts can easily become intrusive.
I highly suggest seeking professional counseling in your area to assess your depression as well as any other psychological issues which you may have.
Additionally, I suggest that you study Qur’an at your Masjid, join a group of young Muslims in your area for support, encouragement, as well as studying and social enjoyment.
The more you involve yourself in Islamic activities and surround yourself with positive, encouraging Muslim friends, the better you will feel in sha’ Allah, and you will feel less vulnerable.
It is incumbent upon us as Muslims to learn Islam. I suggest you ask someone at the Masjid to teach you your prayers and actively seek to learn on your own as well.
For instance, while I am not an Islamic scholar, I do know as a Muslim that we do not pray in the bathroom.
While you may feel that is the only place where your family will not bother you, it is haram.
According to Islamqa.info, “It was narrated from the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) that it is haraam to pray in certain places, including bathrooms.
It is not permissible to pray in them. It was narrated in a saheeh report from the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) that he said:
“All the earth is a mosque except for graveyards and bathrooms.” (Tirmidhi)
“Bathroom” refers to every place that is used for the purpose of relieving oneself; it is not permissible to pray in any such place.
As you did not know this, it does illustrate how important it is to begin studying Islam to learn the correct way to do things.
As far as your fear of Allah (swt) not forgiving you, if you are sincere in your repentance, Allah (swt) will forgive all of your past sins and may even turn them into good deeds by His infinite mercy.
Allah (swt) has told us in the Quran that He (swt) forgives all sins, no matter how serious, except for one.
That sin that He (swt) will never forgive is that a person dies believing that Allah (swt) the Exalted has a partner in His majesty.
Associating partners with Allah (swt), or committing shirk, is the gravest sin, and Allah (swt) will never forgive it if it is a person’s belief at the time of death.
If a person turns away from this belief during his/her lifetime, then He (swt) will forgive this as well.
Again, we can see the importance of learning once we have accepted Islam.
If we truly repent to Allah (swt) for our sins, He (swt) forgives us, except for shirk at the time of death.
So, you can see Allah (swt), is most merciful, most forgiving. With such a loving Lord, we should do our best to learn how to please Him (swt) and live according to His (swt) guidelines.
I fully believe that once you begin to learn Islam, learn how to pray, begin surrounding yourself with Islamic study, prayers, recitation of Qur’an as well as associations, you will find these intrusive thoughts slipping away.
Additionally, I suggest you stay away from the anti-Islamic sites and other harmful things that interfere with your worship of Allah (swt).
As Allah (swt) loves us so very much and is so merciful towards us, should we not try to keep our minds clear from bad media messages and things that distract us from His beauty?
Finally, as you are a very new Muslim, and suffer from depression and may have OCD, it is your responsibility to utilize mental professionals in your area in order to overcome these issues.
While they are not uncommon issues, and most people nowadays do suffer from one thing or another, we do need to try to correct it so we can worship Allah (swt) the best way we can, as well as possessing the ability to learn our beautiful religion.
I have faith in you that you will overcome these thoughts with professional help, in sha’ Allah, and you will feel the beauty of Allah’s (swt) grace and mercy in your life. Please let us know how you are doing, you are in our prayers.
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